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Moving on...

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by RumoursOfMyDemise, Aug 22, 2011.

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  1. RumoursOfMyDemise

    RumoursOfMyDemise Well-Known Member

    Okay, so 6 weeks ago, I tried to kill myself by overdose, but failed. I could go over the specific reasons as to why I wanted to die, but it would most likely just make me feel worse again, so I'll just say that I'd been in an episode of severe depression for the past 10 months, and it just didn't seem like things were ever going to get better. So I waited until my whole family were out one day and mixed up a cocktail of different things. I'd done a lot of research about the best way to OD, so I was just going to take X amount of Y pills in solid form, then the cocktail of different things and just go to bed and fall asleep. So I said my goodbyes to the 3 online friends that I have (I haven't had any 'proper' friends in years) then made up xxxxx. I took a mouthful of the cocktail. It was the most awful thing I have ever tasted in my life, it literally tasted like death and it stung my tongue and my throat like hell. Anyways...I was just about to chug the fatal dose when (and I know this probably sounds crazy) it was like I had this vision, something akin to the supposed "life flashing before your eyes" thing. Except it was more like I finally realised that there were other, better solutions to my problems than killing myself. I literally saw my future (yeah, I know that sounds weird) and it was probably the first time that I've ever seen it in a positive light. It kind of made me realise that killing myself is not going to solve anything and my life WILL get better if I have the courage to work through my problems. I think it was this 'vision', whatever you might call it that kick started me getting my life back. I made the decision right then and there that I would go on living, and that I would fight harder than ever to overcome my problems and work towards a better life. If anything, I realised that things COULD get better, something which I'd disbelieved completely before then.

    Anyhow...I threw the cocktail of stuff out and hid all the evidence of the attempt from my family. I did get some pretty nasty side effects from the amount I'd taken (migrains, nausea, anxiety, shaking, twitching, "brain shocks", etc), and I kind of worry that it's left lasting damage in some ways, but I can now (no longer being severely depressed) say that I am now glad to still be alive. I'm now working hard to overcome my social anxiety, depression, and self harm, and above all to be positive about things.

    A couple of questions I'd like to ask though, are:

    1. Has anyone else here who's attempted suicide ever experienced something similar to the 'vision' I described? Not complaining - it was one of the things which helped to save my life - it just seems very odd... :/

    2. After I took the pills, I got a very painful stabbing pain in my chest, around the area where my heart is. This would happen about 2-3 times a day for about a week and a half after the attempt (although it only lasted about 6 seconds each time), then it reduced in frequency and it now happens about once every 2 weeks. Could the pills have caused this? And will this affect me permanently? Does it mean that something is wrong with my heart? I know I should really go to the doctor, but I'd have to explain about the suicide attempt and my parents might find out (they have no idea about the suicide, self harm, or how severe my depression is.) I know there is supposed to be "patient-doctor confidentially", but this has been breached so many times with psychiatrists that I've completely lost my faith in the ability of so called "professionals" to keep that information private.

    3. Should I tell my psychiatrist about the attempt? I feel the need to tell someone about it in a way, 'cause I haven't told anyone except people online. Bearing in mind though, that she would almost definitely tell my parents about it if she found out, which would only make things about 10 times worse.

    Thank you, and by the way, I'm feeling pretty good for the first time in about a year, so if anyone needs help (especially if you're close to making a suicide attempt yourself) I'm very willing to help, so feel free to PM me or talk to me in chat. :)
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 22, 2011
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so glad, that vision kept you safe and you are with us today...it is early where I am and this was a wonderful way to start my day...no matter who is told, you should tell your pdoc..handling this alone is not wise...and yes, you should have a medical exam, to assure that you did not do permanent damage to your heart...thank you for sharing your story, and I hope you continue your journey in the most successful way possible...J
  3. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    I had an epiphany while planning suicide but I would not say it was a vision, more a moment of clarity where I realised that going to Dr and facing the humiliation of talking to someone about my thoughts was a better option.

    As for heart pains, well I sometimes get a pain like a mini-heart attack.I think in my case its letting my emotion affect me too much, triggering an extreme fight or flight response. But I have never mentioned it to Dr.

    Well done for making yourself feel better!
  4. Anneinside

    Anneinside Well-Known Member

    I thought I'd address the confidentiality issue. If you are a minor then doctors can talk to your parents. No matter what your age is, they can disclose if you are suicidal so that you can get treatment.
  5. RumoursOfMyDemise

    RumoursOfMyDemise Well-Known Member

    Thank you. :) I know that dealing with this on my own is probably not the best option, but after years of being let down by them, I've completely lost my faith in the so-called medical professionals to deal with this sort of thing in a way that is not going to make life more difficult for me.

    Yeah, that's exactly what it's like - a mini heart attack. I don't think there's any one thing that triggers it though.

    I'm 17. If my parents were to find out, it really would make things so much worse than easier. My psychiatrist has breached my trust before (trying to get a social worker involved when I told her about my dad, and also forcing me to tell my parents) which did make me feel a lot more depressed and anxious than better.
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