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Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by raincloud, Nov 10, 2009.

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  1. raincloud

    raincloud Well-Known Member

    So, I've posted elsewhere that I'm getting evicted. My landlord is being REALLY strange about it, so I'm not 100% sure when I'm getting evicted and I just want to get out. I called to ask him what his plans were as far as calling the sheriff's office, etc, and he won't return my calls! Then he shows up at my door at random and I don't want him to come in. It's awkward.

    I have been really poor for years, and I have finally used up all of my last resources. I'd have been evicted a couple of years ago if I hadn't gotten into graduate school and been able to use some of my loans and collect unemployment.

    Unemployment is out and I graduated, and I had a (ridiculously low-wage) job. I had a complete breakdown due to the nature of my job and the fact that I was still really poor even while employed. It really sucks to work full time and not be able to buy food or pay for utilities. Especially when the job would cause a lot of anxiety anyway. I can work certain kinds of jobs just fine -- I just can't seem to get those kinds of jobs very often, and when I do I get laid off!

    Despite my situation, I do not regret quitting my job, mostly because I definitely would have been fired. Even this stress is better than working there. It made me crazy.

    Unfortunately, my options are limited. I've been hiding my situation for months, but I finally talked to a friend of my (late) mother's and she offered to let me stay with her. In Texas. Near the most abusive member of my family. I don't think I have any other choice but to go.

    I don't know how I can live there. I'll be afraid to go out in fear of running into certain people. It's nice to be 2500 miles away.

    Also, I'm humiliated. If it were to get out what a huge failure I've become, I will not be able to handle it.

    I'm really touched that she cares about me and will help me, and even said she'd help me move out of the country, but at the same time it's weird and unfamiliar.

    I guess many of you here have experienced this -- you grow up in a nasty, unsupportive, abusive environment, and then when someone is nice to you it's hard to trust them or to go with it. I don't feel I deserve this, yet if I had her resources I'd help her if she needed it. But I'm still afraid of the location, for that and other reasons. I'm afraid of the heat (my health problems make me REALLY intolerant of heat. I live in rainy Seattle and am always burning up). I already hate myself and feel disgusting.

    I'm also afraid of getting trapped in a place I don't want to be, and I really don't want to leave this place. As nasty as it's been, this really is my home and almost everything I care about is rooted here. I've just been eaten alive.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey i know it is hard to trust anyone I had kindness showed to me once too and did not understand. You have to look after you in all this. Perhaps when you relocate you can get another job there one you are comfortable with. It is better then living in a shelter right Sometimes we just have to trust someone and hope for best If it doesn't work out who to say you can't move again take care and i do hope all works out for you
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