Multiple views

[TBear]

This is so hard - why do I have to relive - reivew so many times

New therapist is trauma specialist - hurts to change after uncovering with a caring therapist for four years... the new guy is good - I remain more present with the pain.... My old therapist said he had never heard nor seen anything as horrific as the monster who was my father... that I needed a specialist.... he kept making therapeutic mistakes that hurt since it isn't his speciality and he cared too much, but he was so kind.... so I am still being hurt.... the loss of attachment with the old therapist on top of it all....

But now - the reality sinks in, the work that remains - sexual abuse, starved and sadistic beatings from the time I was 3... then the first full rape - tied down and... I had just turned 7.... nightly "visits" for 4 years.... date raped at 16... gang raped at 18.... married my rapist at 21..... 24 years of dealing with rape and abuse just like when I was a child - I am out now, divorced alone, struggling, battling to survive and reeling - still; hurting and with each new growth more grief... pain and progress hand in hand

That kind of ongoing abuse produced defense systems within my mind - that stored the flashbacks in different mindsets - all me but separate ways of dealing with life..... different ways of storing away the pain....

Now in order to put it together I have to remember, years of sadistic pain - the feelings, the smells, the visions, the emotions, the details - how I focused on the ceiling or the canopy - how I learned not to feel... crying for those little girls - they are all me... G-d help me - when it gets this bad, I want to die - no I just want escape which is why I walled it all away in the first place... like watching the pain from several different camera angles and dimensions at the same time.... trauma in surroundsound pain and devastation to be suffered through alone as always.

The gamut of abuse is overwhelming... too much - I just want to die, but something just won't let me..... hurts so

Haven't posted in awhile since it is nothing but the same pain just magnified and I am so tired of the fight, I try to distract and want to help others, yet I only end up running from the constant flashbacks and sadness - so I give up even reaching out, but I am at my end of strength... feel like I am just whining

 

[Julia-C]

TBear, I understand all too well what you are going through, and it's not easy. I have often said to myself how great life would be if there was an easy button, and that once this button is pushed, life and all its problems melt away.

I wish I knew what to tell you. I wish I could promise you that it would all get better. I wish I had within me a magical phrase which would give you some release. I am so sorry that I can't provide that to you. I am so sorry you had to go through all that you went through.

There's nothing that happened to you that can be considered remotely fair. So much in this world seems to be driven by pure evil, and all too often it seems that the most innocent among us suffer the most. I have often wondered about what kind of justice awaits the most evil of society in their afterlife. I have often tried to console myself with the thought of their eternal displeasure.

One of the most difficult things a person of such horrible abuses can go through is having to relive it in vivid clarity, and tell the story so others can help and possibly learn from. I find it extremely frightening to do it through this forum at times. I can't imagine how scary it is to relive these nightmares while in the presents of another.

You are much braver the I, in my humble opinion. I have yet to gain the courage to discuss my dad's depravity with someone face to face. You have done that, and are continuing to do that. No one heals from such an evil act of abuse like what you went through. The only realistic outcome is to strive to get better.

You're not whining. Even if you were, it would be okay. You have a right to if you choose.

I am so sorry all of this happened to you. I am so, so sorry. Please know that I am here to talk to if you need me. Always feel free to PM me. :hug:

 

[MoAnamCara]

TBear -

I, too, am so sorry.

You are not whining but like Julia said you have every right to do so.

I know this is so hard to work through, and it is work. Over time they say the pain fades so its less piercing.

Please mind yourself through all of this, know that it will be worse for a little bit while you work through it.

Take care, lots of hugs to you.

 

[dazzle11215]

i'm glad you found a trauma specialist to work with, although i do understand the grieving over the end of the relationship with your old therapist. i am starting an intensive trauma program in september, i am both scared and excited. ask me again in six months how i feel...

i agree i think it will feel worse before it gets better but always remember that you have already survived this once. it's not still happening. you are safe now. and you are no longer alone. you have your therapist, you have us. maybe you even have a few friends that you can open to.

sending a big hug and continued strength for this journey.

c.

 

[TBear]

Many thanks -

Just couldn't even post for awhile even though I feel so alone

I do appreciate the support - my mind just begins to get so jumbled - a scene from when I was 3 feeds into a similar scene when I was around 8 and one when I was older - then one of the times I was raped or hurt by my husband..... like it all hits at once - One piece of me and the cooresponding memory fragments..... then it is gone and I don't know how long I have been reliving the nightmare...

I keep my light on at night and try to stay grounded..... Can't let my kids see me in those states - I end up hiding in my closet like I did as a child - or shaking and crying all curled up in a fetal position.....

Thank you for your answers..... The incidents are too much for me to detail right now - until it won't re-traumatize..... so hard.

 

[icequeen]

hi TBear, i agree with everyone else, please dont think you are whining, you have endured so much, more than any child should and it would have taken a miracle for you to come through it all without scars.

i dont know where in the world you are, but the work your trauma therapist is doing is what is my pysch refers to as exposure therapy. i have explained somewhere on the forum, the idea is exactly that, you expose yourself to your traumas over and over (and it will trigger the flashbacks we hate so much), the theory behind it is that the more you expose yourself eventually the pain will diminish to a level that you can cope with. you will never forget it, but it is hoped that you can deal with it. i wont pretend its easy, it is not, as you are finding out but try and stick with it and take it one step at a time and my therapist suggested i find a calming or relaxation technique to do immediately afterwards to try and calm down again afterwards, so maybe play some music you find relaxing or deep breathing...whatever works for you.

good luck and keep venting here. :hug: