Mum It’s not yet five weeks since you died. Whilst I knew you were ill and even you knew that I understood and accepted you where ready to die I still can’t understand how quick you went. I told people I was prepared for your death, you where 61 I understood how lucky I was to have had you in my for so long but thinking like that doesn’t make it any easier. In the days before you died you saw your sister again after 13 years apart and the day before you passed you saw your longest standing friend Joan. When Joan entered the ward and saw you I knew from the look on her face that told me you didn’t have long but I didn’t expect it to be so soon. We left on Saturday afternoon and I just presumed we would visit as normal on Sunday. In the early hours of Sunday morning I was woken by a phone call from the ward telling us to come in, you had taken a turn for the worse. I knew in my heart that this was the end and along with dad we rushed to the hospital to be with you. Me and Dad both sat with you till the end, I held your hand and I played some of your favourite music which I sure you could understand, I prayed with you, I read to you and I opened your mother’s day cards two weeks early. I took a walk to the chapel in the hospital and I spoke with God, I told him I understood it was time for you to go, you where in too much pain and didn’t want to suffer anymore and that if you were ready and he was ready he could take you. People says you know when the time is near, they are right, in the final 30 minutes you started to go cold as your body temperature dropped and in the final 5 minutes I whispered to dad it was time and I removed the oxygen and you died peacefully. In the weeks that followed I threw myself into organising your funeral and ensuring things that needed doing was done, all the time in the back of my head knowing I wanted to die and wanting to be with you. I stand by your grave knowing that it’s been purchased for two and looking forward to the moment I am put in there with you. I can visualise my own funeral, I can see people stood around watching. I feel nothing for my own death. I just know that for 18 years I have cared for you, I have put my life on hold, you where my world, my life, my everything and I am so lost without you I see no reason to carry on.