Mum is about to suicide. Triggering be aware

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by RySp123, Nov 9, 2007.

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  1. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    This post could affect as it contain triggering issues. Please read and participate only if up to it.

    Mum is about to suicide. What to Say, Try or Do???

    A mother of grown ups is about to suicide and I would like to know

    1. How does or did affect you who lost a mother to suicide?

    2. How does or did it affect the family; in which way?

    3. Those who haven't lost a parent to suicide, how would it affect you?

    Maybe the most important qustion of all now.

    4. IF you could help (or could have helped) prevent her suicide, what would you say, try or do? How would you go about it? I am out of ideas and do need answers to these questions. At this point your help it is crucial.

    Please try to help me. How would you go about it? What would be your arguments or else to make her change her mind? Mum is suffering mentally and physically and no longer want to fight for survival. This will be her third, but last attempt.

    Thank you all that will give me answers.
  2. Trip the Dark fantastic

    Trip the Dark fantastic Well-Known Member

    Endinday, I followed your posting from a distance, I read the desperation of needing to find an answer between the lines, I observed your noble attempts to give answers to each and everyone, I admired the honesty and straight frowardness of your replies...and I didn't fail to notice them as denial and diversion strategies in order to cope with your own hurt and pain.

    I'm not going to do make now pacifying or reassuring but meaningless noises...

    1) I lost my mother to cancer and my granddad to suicide (by gun). My mothers death and my inability to move on, cope with it, forget about it...etc... will be the cause of my death. I have no doubt about that.

    2) The suicide of my granddad split the family into 2 parts. Reconciliation attempts were made but came to nothing. By now, they are two completely separate entities connected only by blood but not by love.

    3) n/a

    4) All what I could say here would be clichees and repetitions of endless words, spoken by endless voices and played through in endless scenarios...
    Your question 4 demands the one truth no-one has and evey-one seeks....

    I don't even attempt an answer...I offer you my favourite poem which ispires me to live another minute and than the next. Its meaning is what you make of it...

    A blade of grass

    You ask for a poem.
    I offer you a blade of grass.
    You say it is not good enough.
    You ask for a poem.

    I say this blade of grass will do.
    It has dressed itself in frost,
    It is more immediate
    Than any image of my making.

    You say it is not a poem,
    It is a blade of grass and grass
    Is not quite good enough.
    I offer you a blade of grass.

    You are indignant.
    You say it is too easy to offer grass.
    It is absurd.
    Anyone can offer a blade of grass.

    You ask for a poem.
    And so I write you a tragedy about
    How a blade of grass
    Becomes more and more difficult to offer,

    And about how as you grow older
    A blade of grass
    Becomes more difficult to accept.

    -- Brian Patten --
  3. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    Dear Trip,

    You understood to some extend yet not completely, but on the right path.

    I lost my father to what I am to face now. Which is at the last minute of an illness that can easily kill you, he chose not to make a call. He deliberately chose to let the illness take him away as years of physical and mental were suffering and could no longer take it.

    Of course who suffers 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for i wont say how many years has its weight and all have our limits and whatever can and will help make it even a day further is worth trying. If it is in helping others to cope or make another day themselves, nothing is loss in that day lived.

    I do know what my illnesses are, what is to be the outcome and wish it to no one yet doesn't make it any easier on myself. I am rational, well when in touch with reality which is not always the case slipping of way too often lately.

    I am not in denial but too aware of it all and worry more than anything on what will become of the kids-grandkids-family relatives and so on...... yet the most important is about my kids. HOW it will affect them since they are the ones in denial of my illnesses and the pain I do live with. They are scared to face it so rather pretend mum can handle anything since she has for so long and keep it to herself as I did give up trying to explain it to them.

    Now about the 4th qustion. Why asking it if it is about myself? Easy to answer.

    If whoever did-does or could find itself facing a mother about to suicide, their own answers would-could help me understand what my own kids-relatives will go through so i do need answers and straight forward.

    I've seen both accomplished suicides and attempts from close people yet never related emotionally to these things as I have shut the emotional side of myself to preserve my own sanity, welfare and survival.

    Should you feel to further the topic you can reach me through pm. You are more than welcome to do so as you did reach something in me even if slight, it is a start and maybe that start will lead to change my optic vision of it all.
    Perhaps your seeing what ohters fail to see or notice dunno.

    p.s. you said loosing your mother to cancer and that will be your death. hunny I do not know how old you are, i am a grandmother so third generation and should you be as I think of the second one, I do not believe your mother would dream of you loosing the life she has given you. Your Love for her surely comes from a two ways Love with her so as a mother the knowing of your thoughts would send me to my grave before cancer does. I do understand how you feel as mine is also affected of terminal illness and dread that day as any other person no matter my age. We have always been close to each other as you seem to your mother so simpathize with you and do feel for you.

    Excuse my straightforwardness hunny but even though mum is facing cancer, nothing like a good and long sleepless night talking, comunicating with her about all that goes through your minds and hearts. Open heart talk is necessary if not premordial in your case hunny. From my experience, close to yours in some aspect, did make the difference when death couldn't be avoided and gave peace to both of us.

    sounds strange that those experiences balance and contradict themselves but cant change what and who i am..... i am as i am .

    Sending you my warmest thoughts and may you find your own peace before loosing yourself. :hug:

    p.s. those not up to this kind of direct approach to the death of a mother please stay out and focus elsewhere. last thing i want or need is to offend or trigger anyone in their dealing with this issue.
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2007
  4. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    I forgot. About the poem..... sorry makes no sense to me. I wont explain the why(s) but thank you for sharing. None will know how something can or could reach another if not trying to.... so thank you.

    be well and safe

    Lets make one thing clear before anyone speaks out. I no longer have children at home. All are married and have famiy of their own. All live
    far and no matter how much we do Love each other, fact remains that
    we rarely see each other if not in special moments. None's fault, life calls for choices to be made and where work gives possibility to make a living.
    Love starts and lives in one''s heart, not only in seeing each other daily or
    hearing-calling daily that makes Love stronger or more important.
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2007
  5. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    Sorry to have asked .... I guess there is no answer to my qustion so will do as I feel is best.

    Take care of yourself
  6. Abby Rose

    Abby Rose Well-Known Member

    My mother killed herself when I was younger there are a few ways people can deal with it depending on the exact situation and person; first is greif, second is guilt, third is anger, and also some peole can brush it off completly and move on reletively quickely. I don't know your mother's situation but you can try and make her go into therapry, or a hospital if it's that urgent, but eventually she will have to decide to take the steeps needed to better her life, no matter how hard you push her. I hope things get better for you.
  7. Trip the Dark fantastic

    Trip the Dark fantastic Well-Known Member

    Firstly, thank you for your kind words concerning my mum in your reply. Food for thought.

    Endinday, please be aware of the enormity you ask and be not disappointed by the lack of response you get. It is traumatic to talk about suicide in the family and it is even harder to share this information without opening wounds. All credit to Alexis for replying to your post.

    So, there is no need to feel sorry. But ask yourself, what answer do you expect? What burden it is to put on potential posters when you write...
    You are setting posters up to fail. That's the reason I answered in a poem, as -in the face of the enormity -only something precious and abstract does make sense to me..

    The best you can hope for in those circumstances is being inspired by answers to investigate further into your issues. I truly hope that you succeed in doing so.

  8. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    MY mother is terminally ill and do not suffer suicid thoughts. She will handle it till the end Alexis.

    The mother that is to suicide is myself. My children are all grown up, married with children of their own. Will my leaving this life have a strong impact no matter the fact that they are all adults or would I put them at risk? That is my qustion. I have never tried suicide while raising them but now that they are adults and my health situation has worsen and is progressing as no cure can prevent it nor stop it..... I want out. Only thing that is delaying me is will it destroy the kids or will they be able to move on no matter how I died?

    You lost your mother when younger ..... how old were you?

    There is truth in what you said Alexis. If I had quite a certainty that they will move on after adapting - mourning for a rather short period all would be much easier.

    I am in therapies for both physical and mental illnesses. I took the steps myself to seek psy help. This against some family members who are in 'denial about mental illness and suicide topic'. It is TABOO and put their heads in the sand so got to figure it out on my own and help myself how i can with who i can when i can.

    Do not take it as a 'dont care' on their part.... just cant cope nor deal with such painful issues which is in itself unhealthy and not helping me in all this.

    Thanks for your post. I appreciate and value each reply.

    Be well and safe yourself.
  9. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I know you warned me about me this post..however, you have given so much to me, that I couldn't ignore it. sorry.

    I haven't lost a parent to suicide, however I have lost a close uncle (and for me one of the 2 people in my life who were geniune and loved me for me, not for what my body could give them).

    My uncle killed himself when I was 8, he had 3 children (poss 4, but it was never confirmed)...out of he's 3 children.

    The Eldest, is an alcholic, has 3 children none of who leave with her as she is not mentally stable..she is now 35.

    the middle child is still in a mental hospital after a breakdown 2/3 years ago ~ she has number of children by different men, she was trying to replace her father who was very dear to her, she was 13 when he killed himself and has tried on 2 known occassions to kill herself. she's now 33

    The youngest and only boy....won't speak about he's father, won't talk to any of the family..he's angry and blames himself he's now 30

    My uncle killed himself 20 years...the effect it has on a daughters/son's life is permanant..and they don't get over it ~ part of you dies when your parent dies.

    My Nan and grandad, spent years griving for their son even until they last breath, they asked themselves why? what could they have done for him? why didn't they see the signs? They blamed themselves, after he's death my grandparents weren't the same ever again..the day he died, a part of them died.

    If my mum was suicidal, how would I stop her? some days I would probably say I wouldn't (harsh..but true, although the guilt would eat me up)..but other times I would tell her the truth, I would tell her how that HER ending her life, leaves a void in not just my step fathers life, or her childrens life but her grandchildren, her brothers, her friends life. If she was adamant then the chances are she wouldn't reach out..but if she did, I would do all I can to help her.

    How would it leave me if she died (my father I couldn't care less sorry), I would feel guilty, I would take the blame, I would ask what I had done...I would be angry with her, but also me..I would feel (although I know) she REALLY NEVER did love me.

    I'm sorry...I know you probably don't want me saying any of this...but your life is worth so much to people, even people that you have never meet...


    J xxxx
  10. BOLIAO

    BOLIAO Guest

    get her to a hospital immediately, forcefully is u have to.
  11. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    Dear your post came in after I had answered Alexis who's reply I do appreciate.

    I am aware that my qustions are and will have a strong impact on those who went (or facing it now) through such ordeal. Been through it myself yet emotionaly detatched from it all at the time and still... something was shut tight and still is 40 years later.

    If I did know the answer I am seeking, I wouldn't be here asking and could move on. Each reply has inspire me yet not found all of my answers yet hun.

    I do not wish that survivors (both you and I are as well) keep their heads in the sand either as the story could repeat itself again as you, yourself feel that your mother's death will be your own. I don't know if I am being clear in this. I am replying to both post before rushing to my meds as being near blacking out from pain so rushing in writing.

    Last thing .... please do give it some thoughts about spending a night or weekend alone with your own mother to pour your hearts out about all and anything but do talk till nothing else is left but hugging each other and perhaps cry together.... in that Love is also shown and to bring peace. I do not regret but cherish doing it with my loved one before death took away that special loved one.

    Many blessings to you all
  12. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    After reading your post..the following song came on the TV:

    You taught me everything
    And everything you've given me
    I always keep it inside
    You're the driving force in my life, yeah

    There isn't anything
    Or anyone that I could be
    And it just wouldn't feel right
    If I didn't have you by my side, oh

    You were there for me
    To love and care for me
    When skies were gray

    Whenever I was down
    You were always there
    To comfort me

    And no one else can be
    What you have been to me
    You will always be

    You will always be the girl
    In my life, for all times

    Mama, mama you know I love you (I love you)
    You know I love you
    Mama, mama, you're the queen of my heart
    Your love is like tears from the stars (Yes it is)
    Mama I just want you to know
    Lovin' you is like food to my soul
    (Yes it is, yes it is, oh yes it is,
    yes it is, yes it is, oh)

    You're always down for me
    Have always been around for me
    Even when I was bad
    You've shown me right from my wrongs
    Yes you did

    And you took up for me
    When everyone was down on me
    You always did understand
    You gave me strength to go on

    There were so many times
    Looking back when I
    Was so afraid

    And then you'd come to me
    And say to me
    I could face anything

    And no one else can do
    What you have done for me
    You'll always be, you will always be
    The girl in my life

    Mama, mama you know I love you
    (You know I love you)
    You know I love you
    Mama, mama, you're the queen of my heart (You are)
    Your love is like tears from the stars
    (Your love is like tears from the stars)
    Mama I just want you to know (Mama I just want you to know)
    Lovin' you is like food to my soul

    Never gonna go a day without you
    Fills me up just thinkin' about you
    I'll never go a day without my

    Mama, mama you know I love you
    (You know, mama, you know I love you)
    You know I love you
    Mama, mama, you're the queen of my heart
    (The queen of my heart)
    Your love is like tears from the stars
    (See your love, your love is like tears from the stars)
    Mama I just want you to know (Mama whoa, my mama, mama)
    Lovin' you is like food to my soul
    (Loving you is like food to my soul)

    Oh yeah, yeah
    You are the food to my soul
    Yes you are

    (ironic)..but please listen to the words ~ we all only have one mother, what I would give to have a mum whose as caring as you, please don't hurt yourself.
  13. Abby Rose

    Abby Rose Well-Known Member

    I don't want you to miss interpret my post, some people can move on after a parent commits suicide and for others it is much more difficult. I was five when my mother died but my sister was twelve and she has and continued to have dealt with it better then I ever can, it depends on your children and the circumstances. It's true some people can move on quicker then others but that doesn't mean that everyone can move on. I don't want you to think that your children will one day be ok if you go through with it, because honestly I don't know them and can't make that judgment. All I could say is that although it would probably be on various degrees, they would miss you constantly like any child would miss their parent and would probably but maybe not have stress and other extra emotions they would have to live with for the rest of their lives.
  14. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    Oh Hunny :( Why did you come to read this :( Don't you have enough on your own to bother with my load?

    Hun, I thank you so very much for your post. You have answered some of my qustions. Strange! You were the last I would have asked yet you gave me a lot and not only today.

    I do understand where and why you stand on those positions and can only say that I understand and none can judge how you feel.

    Thanks a million for making me feel warmer hun. I know you care and could never thank you enough for saying it outloud.

    huggles to you hun and keep up the paste .... you are making such progress in so short period. dont let the low times take away from you the good steps taken as small as they are. each step ahead you make is an accomplishment in itself.... remmeber this and be proud of them. xx

    Answered you in pm on this so no need to make it public. i shall only say that i did ask to be recovered and the answer was negative. end of it.

    Lost child, this is becoming very difficult discussing it with you. I know and understand how fragile part of you is yet showing a strenght you have never shown before..... perhaps you even ignore having it hun.

    As I can not respond that I will keep on fighting nor that I will not give in to the urge next time it comes, I beg you for your own sake not to return on this post. DO IT FOR ME if not for you hun. I do not wish to add sorrow to your life even tho you do not know me, but your sensibility would bring forth further pain should something happen and do not wish for it NOT AT ALL!

    What you was meant for you to reach in me has been reached and thank you for it. It means a lot to me but now that it is done, hunny move on to another post and forget this one.

    huggles, granny
  15. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    UH sorry but I do have to ask if you could rephrase this last sentence. For some reason I am not capable to understand it. it is not your fault but the meds slowing down the mind right now.

    Thank you in advance, Granny x
  16. Abby Rose

    Abby Rose Well-Known Member

    Sorry. I was trying to say that although your children would have different responses, your children would miss you, like any child who would miss a parent who died. Also like any child of suicide, no matter what age they are your children would cope with it differently, but in all likelihood they will experience a great deal of stress and other emotions that they would not experience regularly. The main point I am trying to convey is that although it might be easier for some people, I don't think it is easy for any child at no matter what age to deal with a parent committing suicide. But depending on among other things, your relationship with your children, the circumstances, and the children themselves, they will cope with it differently.

    There is no easy answer to your question because I don't know your situation and even if I did, there is no way to tell exactly how your children would react. All I can really tell you is that it is never easy for a child to cope with a parent’s death, especially under the circumstances you described, but they are various ways they could deal with it. I'm sorry if my answer is too vague but now that you got me thinking, I am not sure my response is something that can be properly put into words.
  17. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    Alexis in the sole fact that you are attempting to grab my stretched out hand
    in quest for answers, it is in itself a gift do believe me..... it means a lot to me.

    We all try to put into words what we feel, think or else yet it is much easier doing the 'thinking' process than wording it.

    The mind is faster than the fingers if you know what I mean.

    No matter how you phrase it, part or whole of your thought will come across and if unclear, you will be asked to either clarify or expand on it as I did as it was unclear to me due to my brain beiing as it is at the moment.

    Now that you have retyped it and clarified your message it is indeed much clearer and do understand it better.

    It does make sense and agree with you this far.

    Thank you again for reaching out and for taking time to reply to such a hart issue.

    Bless your soul

    Granny x
  18. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    I was supposed to rest but all I did is passing out or snap out either mentally or due to epileptic crisis. Now I am a ruin and left without energy but need to focus on something before giving way to how I feel and the urges.

    I read another site, sub forum to sf i think but unsure. The first post I read kept me reading 75 minutes to get through (between backing out and hardship in reading such a long post for my capacity). I will make this post
    short and get to the point.

    Part of what I was looking for perhaps someone has answered. Strange how answers come along. Anyhow. The point is that the quality of life in such circumstances was challenged to make a child understand the mother's choice not to pursue her treatment and wait for death. Some will think that it is a planned suicide since her illness is not curable. She deliberately chose death to........ but to what?

    Point is the child was askes to ponder about her quality of life should she had chosen a different way. There is more to it in suicide than the obvious when facing certain ordeals. Ref. to terminated illness for example.

    The child was then invited to do what was needed to understand things from her point of view as well; not only the pain felt by that child.

    In conclusion, the forumer has told the child somehting like :" It may change how you feel". I would add that by trying to understand a person's viewpoint, not only might it give answers but also soften the pain from the departure of the loved one. I agree. It might be something that will help deal with the loss to a satisfactory level to permit survivors to move on.

    I am more than certain that some survivors will have tried to take that approach, either succeeding or not yet they are in minority.

    Thanks for sharing and giving some thoughts on this issue. For now it concerns me and my loved ones. Perhaps another time in life you might be confronted to similar issue or story so do not over worry, get paranoid about this post but do not dismiss it completely. Personaly I prefer to be ready, as little as can be than being taken off back and feel the floor disapear under my feet without warning.

    Still missing some answers, the fourth is driving me insane but for tonight I will put it a rest and take it back tomorrow if I can.
  19. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    When you feel like a stranger to your own family where do you find the basic to go on?

    I left the bedroom to get a drink, I was seen by a relative and all that came out of its mouth is " looks like you are going on skiing trip '. Thank you so very much for making fun of what afflicts me. Not once, but twice repeated to make sure I heard the comment. More delicate and thoughtful than this I could not hope for. At time I do wonder what family is for..... when relatives act as bad or worse than strangers.

    One would expect, at least, a minimum of tact. Well at times, like today, I'd rather be surrounded by careless strangers than relatives.

    A while later another relatives wonders how come I feel like shit and showing signs of distress. Go figure now. Inside I am dying and crying and can hardly hide it yet will not give that pleasure to those careless mindless relatives that only purpose in life is to hurt others to make themselves feel better.

    One must be very poor to seek hurting others to fill themselves worthy of something or feel better. Too bad none will speak out and stop (shut their FKing mouth) those people only because older and taught to respect parents and elders. That doesn't make them right because older or being parents or relatives.

    Today I am having already a hard time keeping my mouth shut, but if pushed just a little further in that attitude and backstabbing comments out of pleasure I might just do something that wont be forgotten till the end of their lives.

    Waiting for office hours to start and call the psy. Lets see if he can help me get those meds before I snap out and do something.

    Who damn said that being older makes you think and behave and know better? Time to give a lesson to those adults. Help me God not to give in or I will hurt more than myself today.
  20. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    hi granny

    i have been thinking the same thing as i too feel like a stranger to my own family.
    how would my family react? hard one, i think my children will be upset at first but as i don't see them often i believe rightly or wrongly that they will quickly bounce back, i am just a walking wallet to them i think.

    my parents will be angry, with me then at others who they will feel are responsible but in the end it is my choice and down to only me.

    hard one to think about.

    take care

    andy xxx
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