I want to cut... Need to cut, so so badly, not deep, just lots, need to see the blood poor out my arms... Its no good though, it wont help. I want to die, badly need/want to die, but I promised myself I would give this year the benefit of the doubt, and no matter how bad the beginning has been, I want to try and keep up. New years was alright, new years day I don't know what happened, but I did cut, twice, my old method of cutting, when I started cutting when I was with my abusive boyfriend, or that may have happened on the second, I had been drinking, was drunk. But either or it wasn't brilliant. And then yesterday, I feel so bad about yesterday, I don't know what triggered me to do it. I beat myself up, kicking and punching, and when my boyfriend tried to stop me, I hit my head against my wall, or the frame of my bed, or chest of draws, and when that failed (the bit I am really upset about) I hit kicked and scratched him, tried to bite him, I mean I don't normally do these things, not me anyway. Other "personalities" do that, beat him up and me up, but I don't. I think somethings have triggered this, but in the end it is me who is at fault, I who did these things. And no matter what "reasons" or triggers led to this happening, does not excuse what I did, it may show just how messed up I am, but jeez! I think, because my bed is in the same position it was in when I was being abused by my ex, could have been a trigger. My mum said her boyfriend would go, (he did something so truly unforgivable will talk about these other things in a min) and he hasn't and will not, I have learned from the innumerable amount of times mum said she would rid of him, and hasn't and from the 5+ times I have left for, weekends, weeks and even month, that she will not kick him out. She doesn't care about me. My brother, I think has been taking drugs again, and my mum does not care, and she never will. Not one of these things could have caused me to hurt so badly as I do, I mean, I'm used to this, and I haven't acted out like this before? Anyway, when my boyfriend came down on the 17th of December, my mums boyfriend kicked of at him, (my boyfriend that is) calling him names, calling me names etc. Calling my boyfriend a fat lazy slob. Whatever else, I do not know the full story, when I got back, I finally got some of the story out of my boyfriend and my mum, so I asked mums boyfriend to appologise to my boyfriend, who had done NOTHING to bring this on. And mums boyfriend kicked off again, and threatened to get his adult daughter to beat me up (she is exactly like her father). Mum said after that, she would kick him out, did she? Of course not. Today my mum has had ago at me, for eating all the food (2 bowls of soup, and some butter to go in it). Said my brother needs the butter for his toast, etc. my mums boyfriend constantly has ago at me, for drinking all the soya milk, (sorry but I think my breakfast is more important). I just want to give up. Theres nothing left for me. My boyfriend will be better off with out me, or my "personalities" abusing him. my little solstice hates me anyway. my family don't want me. And my few real life friends don't like me, and talk about me behind my back. All I have is this online virtual world, where everyone has many more important things to do in their daily lives, than to talk to someone who is giving up, and no matter how hard they try, they cannot help, or break the thoughts and feelings.