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"Mummy Radar"

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ~Nobody~, May 18, 2007.

  1. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    You just interrogated me, because 'something is wrong'. Yes, genius, you're damn right something is wrong. My entire life is fucking wrong.

    Just make up your mind!!

    Sometimes, you come across as all caring and act as if you want to talk about my problems. Like you genuinely give enough of a fuck about someone other than yourself to just give me a cwtch and a bit of advice, or something. But that act has never lasted the length of a conversation. Not ever. Before we're even done talking you're either turning it round and making me feel awful, getting angry, getting violent, insulting me, or throwing me out.

    I have LEARNT from your behaviour never to try to talk to you about anything that matters. And now you get angry with me when I say I'm fine. You don't usually mind. I spend every goddamn day and night acting like I'm fine, because if I don't act that way then I get shouted at, or complained at, or picked on.

    And now you get angry.

    You know what really made me angry about what you just said to me? "I have mummy radar and I know something's wrong. Mummy radar's always right." Firstly, it's pathetic talking to me like I'm a six year old just because you feel insecure. I had to grow up bloody quick, Mum. Thanks to you. You and your fucking boyfriends.

    Secondly, if your sodding "mummy radar" is so fucking fantastic why has it been wrong before?! Why was it wrong with him huh?! Surely that should score pretty fucking high on your precious "mummy radar", shouldn't it?! But no, apparently it didn't. You (completely innocently, of course) contributed beautifully to everything he did to me and made me do to him by outcasting me yourself. Telling me you loved me but you didn't like me one bit. Believing everything he said. Grounding me so I couldn't have anyone round or go anywhere when you were gonna be working late shifts and he would stay at home. And being too damned stupid and weak and PATHETIC to stick up for me, or yourself. So I had to do it. I had to do everything I could to stop him hurting you. And I did. I spent that whole time looking after you, and you never for a minute looked after me.

    That time, the time he was kicking the shit out of you, so I stepped in and diverted it to me. You were lying on the floor, drunken, sobbing, while I at age 16 wrestled him off you. He hit me. And I kept him off you. He picked me up by the throat with those big fucking fists of his and held me against the wall that way. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't shout. I broke my finger trying to get him off me. I thought I was going to die. While you were too drunk (not too beaten, he only got to you once before I stepped in) to get off the floor.

    He called the police, because he is a manipulative ****. They came and said it was six of one and half a dozen of the other. It was never six of one and half a dozen of the other!! And they knew you were pissed, why the fuck didn't you just admit it? They took him away, but you let him take his key even though the police offered to force it off him. Then in the morning you refused to let me press any charges on him but you said you wouldn't let him back. A week later you were telling me to get the fuck out and stay somewhere else if I didn't want to see him, it was none of my business.

    I have never hurt you, I have never wronged you. I have been more loyal to you than anyone else ever has. I stick up for you when people tell me you're irresponsible, stupid, a bitch, a bad mother.

    You just came upstairs, walked in, and shouted at me for the fact that I have tears streaming down my face. You COW! What the hell is wrong with you? Where's my mummy gone? I haven't really seen her since I was about 5. :blub: Apparently you're stopping my allowance, from now. Well whatever, but you won't see me at your wedding.

    Fuck you. You can't pick and choose when to be a mother to me. You can't just dip in and out of my life as it suits you. You can't be the perfect mum in public and then the worst mother in the world at home.

    You have broken me, Mum. If I thought you were gonna support me maybe I could get through this.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 18, 2007
  2. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    So now I've got 20 minutes to pack a bag and get out of this house. Fine. I won't need to pack much, everything I need is in the drawer by my bed. You'll be sorry. But I don't care.

    I'm really sorry guys, I love you all to pieces :blub: :hug:


    x x x x x x x x x x
  3. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    :hug: Somebody. I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to you. :hug:
  4. Tara

    Tara Guest

    its scaring me how alike our "expirences" and stuff are.
    I get rows for crying too! like we can help it!

    argh, im sorry *hugs* Im sorry for whats happened. i hope you sort it out soon. I know u feel like going but u may feel worse when u've left. do u have anywhere to go??

    Please be safe.

    (and i guess ur a fellow welshie :) cwtches!)
  5. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Sorry. Before anyone panics (if anyone would) I have not gone somewhere quiet to kill myself. I was going to, but one of my friends was walking down my road as I left my house and I had to say I was going to my boyfriend's. He didn't leave me til I was here. And I don't want to be here, me and my boyfriend nearly broke up earlier. This is stupid. I wish I was somewhere quiet right now. It also means that I am stuck at my boyfriend's indefinitely with no clothes or anything, just my pills and blades and stuff. Nice. I'm supposed to have work tomorrow. Fuck fuck fuck. Why does she do this to me?!

    PS. I didn't walk out, she ordered me to go. 'Forvever'.

    PPS. Yes Tara, Welshie by blood and heart but less fortunately living in England :hug:.
  6. Tara

    Tara Guest

    Oh thank gawd! thats good. (and yes though i dont know u, i did and would panic cause i care!)
    Please dont do anything irrational. Cant he go get stuff for you? what about ur grandparents house if u cant stay at ur bfs for too long?

    Did u ever think of getting your own place? my doctor offered to help me fill out forms and stuff (My house is too stressful, nothing like what your going through :( hugs) you can get a lot of help, finacially speaking, to set you up. I myself couldnt do it, but you should think about it, it may help you feel better in the long run.

    p.s. cool! i love the word cwtch! and if i say it on forums people are like "whaaat?!?" lol. so yeah nice to meet u, u lovely welsh person u! ;)
  7. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Thanks for caring :smile: And thanks for calling me a lovely Welsh person :tongue:.

    I have thought about moving out for ages, but I just don't think I could manage it financially. :unsure:

    I am feeling pretty awful today, but I'm not at work because I didn't bring work clothes. I had to ring this morning and say I had an upset stomach. I felt really guilty doing it but it's not as if I can tell them the truth...

    My brother delievered my chinese hamster in her carry tank. So I'm not completely alone :dry:.

    Goddamn my mother. :mad: :sad:
  8. thedeafmusician

    thedeafmusician Staff Alumni

    I'm glad to hear that you're alive at least. I was worried, until I read the posts under that one. Ya know, you could try telling someone in real life what's going on. You probably arent going to want to, but its something worth considering. This really cant stay the way it is now... :hug:

    Thinking of ya hun

  9. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Thank you :hug:.

    I have kinda told people. My boyfriend's mum knows what's going on. My mother is just a selfish drunken idiot most of the time, I've kind of got used to it. I wish I could hate her, rather than go on loving her. It would make everything a hell of a lot easier. :dry:

    I spoke to her fiance on the phone and he told me she was at work so I went back to get some clothes and hamster food and such. He didn't really say anything to me, but I guess that's not surprising. I am feeling very wobbly today.... eurgh. Wish I was stronger.
  10. thedeafmusician

    thedeafmusician Staff Alumni

    You are VERY VERY VERY strong hun. You are so much more stronger than you think that you are. Believe me. I dont know for sure, but if I was in your position, I doubt I'd be able to manage things as well as you can right now. Give yourself some credit hun. :hug:

  11. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

  12. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Thanks TDM :hug: x x

  13. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    :hug: Somebody.
  14. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    :hug: glad to hear you didn't do anything hun :hug:
  15. Tara

    Tara Guest

    aww that was nice of him. i know it may sound stupid, but sometimes talking to a pet helps wonders. i used to talk to nibbles (my hamster) but he died 2 weeks ago. but ive got my dog =D its nice when u can talk and get it out, and they dont judge you and cant say nothing back. its a good feeling.

    Thats why i stopped thinking about moving out. (financial worries) but im sure the doctor wouldnt have suggested it if it wasnt possible. maybe look up your local council on the internet and see if you can see anything on there for housing applications. also if you're not get much money and your doctor confirms you're ill then you can usually get income support too, (dont know about england but in wales, u get help with paying council tax, etc too)