Murphy's Law happened

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Snowman, Mar 8, 2014.

  1. Snowman

    Snowman Well-Known Member

    After 7 years of being on SF, I think it's time to actually write a post. I have nowhere else to go, and no one to turn to anymore.

    I left SF after a few years when I got my life together - moved out, did well academically, made friends, and even found a partner! But all that changed over the last few months. My partner broke up with me as she got feelings for a mutual friend of ours, and they have been hanging out basically every single day since we broke up. We agreed to all remain friends, but they spend so much alone time together that I can't help but feel something is going on or that my friendship just isn't worth much to either of them. The lack of transparency puts me in a constant state of panic and confusion, and it's deeply affected me academically - I haven't turned up to a single class since semester started.

    Furthermore, my housemate who also happens to be my best friend completely shut me out when she started having family and mental issues. We have decided to no longer live together, and I thought that our friendship might still continue but I overestimated that and she no longer talks to me even though we still live in the same house. Plus since only her name is on the lease, whenever she decides to move out, I will be effectively homeless. Because the situation at home is incredibly stress-inducing and awkward, I have been staying at my ex-partner's room, but last night she kicked me out very dramatically. I slept outside her house with newspapers covering me and walked home in the morning and had multiple panic attacks throughout today, which is when I realized I desperately needed SF again.

    I don't have any friends who aren't associated with my housemate or my partner, so I have absolutely no one to turn to. I have been failing academically for the first time in my life due to lack of motivation and concentration. To top that up, I'm unemployed and have trouble even finding a job as a kitchenhand. My parents can't support me financially because they have enough trouble paying their mortgage, and I can't even move back home because all the rooms in the house has been rented out to pay off the mortgage. And also my uncle recently passed away due to lung cancer, and when I saw him in that open casket, I hardly recognized him. Chemo practically turned him into a skeleton. He wasn't even a smoker, and was a very healthy individual.

    All of this happened within the span of 4 months. Everything that I worked hard for, just when I thought my life was good, and that it was going to take an even better turn, every single thing that could go wrong, went wrong. And now my depression is back worse than ever, and my anxiety is even worse. My insomnia is back, I'm tired all the time, and I have not felt this alone and hopeless for a very long time now.
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Sorry things have gone down hill so quickly for you in the last 4 months. For some reason it seems like problems always come in bunches and it is not surprising you are feeling overwhelmed at the moment.

    Some things you should do right away - go talk to counselors at the Uni - let them know what is going on so you can either withdraw from some of the classes, take a leave, or work out something so that you do not harm your past years of good successful work and cumulative GPA. They also may have some resources for you to consider for both housing and for further counseling or support as you work through these issues.

    Little can be done about your housemate if they are also having family and mental issues - it is not your fault but there is nothing you can do to help them while in your current state so just worry about yourself at the moment and conserve your energy for helping yourself. The relationship of your former partner and friend are also something beyond your control. It sounds like it would be a very awkward situation and it is sad that you are the one getting pushed aside but you need to concentrate on your own well being and if seeing them together and trying to maintain those friendship is triggering you or distracting you then you can and should walk away from it - for you own well being.

    Remember the several years of good time - where things were going well - that is a lot to balance 4 bad months. Most importantly, you know you can be successful, in school , relationships , friends. You have been successful and will be again. Prioritize your problems to deal with and look at them one at time asking what can you do about that right no wand what steps to take to do something about it. With limited resources I would look to the school first to hopefully take advantage of any ideas or resources they may have to help in more than one of the areas. Action will help more than anything with your current mood (though counseling or meds may be an option for you to consider) so be active - go to the appropriate office at the school and take the first step towards solving and reducing problems rather than waiting paralyzed for "whatever is coming next".

    Take Care and Be Safe

  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I can not say anything more hun but PLEASE go to the councilors at your school NOW and explain to them what has happen and get a stay on some of your classes so they are not failures and you can go back to them when you are stronger ok The will have some paths you can take but until you talk to them you won't be able to know. Do not give up your education ok that is what will bring you back some stability in the future. Talk to someone hun ok hugs
  4. Snowman

    Snowman Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Ben. You're right, things has gone really bad, and it could be much better, which is why I've been trying to take the reins on thing already.

    Because I've battled with mental illnesses for such a long time now, the moment I felt that I was relapsing, that something was wrong, I immediately booked an appointment with my doctor and psychologist. I see my doctor in two days!

    As with housing, I've decided to move in with my ex-partner and a friend of hers. This was a decision I made prior to us breaking up. It complicates the situation, but housing where I'm from is one of the most expensive in the world, and being unemployed as well gives me very little chance to score a room with other people (not to mention my social anxiety probably won't allow for that), and I have no other friends I know who are moving out. We recently applied for a house few blocks down from where the mutual friend lives, and it would kill me if we got the property, but so will homelessness. Basically I can't escape them. And University only offers 6 weeks of free emergency housing and not much else for disadvantaged students.

    It just took many years of energy, time, and strength to get to where I was. It was a very tough journey where I almost terminated my life a few times, and I just don't know if I can do it again. My mindset back then was that I had nothing to lose. My mindset right now is that I've already lost. I've been trying to change that mindset, and I know that it's wrong, but I'm just an animal licking its wounds right now. I feel like at least back then I had one or two friends who would support me, whereas I don't even have that now. I'm less than the shadow of my former self, and my former self wasn't even that great.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 8, 2014
  5. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I can 100% understand why you might feel that, but please remember you succeeded before and therefore know HOW to do it- it is not all trial and error this time to figure it out- as evidenced by calling to book the appt and coming back here to get the extra supports now. Hopefully this proactive response by you will curtail it and make it shorter and less difficult journey this time - instead of thinking of the years before think about what to do today and tomorrow and this week based on all that you learnt from it before. :hug: I believe in you.