Music's Side Effects

[Forgotten_Man]

So I was in band today, while playing back the piece we were currently rehearsing the director hits his stand and knocks all his music off the stand. While trying to catch it he the proceeds to drop his baton. We were still at least 15 seconds from the end of the piece. But he kept on conducting till we reached the end. At that point after a brief silence laughter broke out.

Now you have to be wondering what does this story have to do with anything? Well a fairly comical act of a person bumbling around accidentally was performed in front of 40+ people and not one of them laughed until it was appropriate. That is the greatness of music. You see we are taught to have great discipline and to not snicker nor laugh nor even move when we see something comical happen.

Again you are thinking so what? Well this skill that I have acquired from my.. ummm...11 years playing in wind ensembles has trickled into my real life. But was morphed to fit the situation. You see what happens to me is someone says something to me, and depending on the context I either:

• Stay silent and ignore them
• Make a general yes or no reply
• Laugh at them
• Say something to make them go away.

And in the end I keep my thoughts and voices to myself. Everything that I believe in or want to say that would be offensive, stay far within me. And I don't say it then I come home and rant to myself for hours on end.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that music helped me develop my mask, metaphoric mask. It turned me into this fantastic liar and show man who plays to the crowds desires no matter what he wants to say or think. In reality this reflex is like second nature to me. I do it without thinking. As a result I show a persona that people get to know that is not me. Which is really bad for me. Mainly because if people got to know the real me they would see what a hypocrite and liar I really am. So no matter what I continue to show that persona. It is funny in the real world I am a prisoner of my own mask.

Just a random thought that came to my mind.

 

[TearsDropBloodTrickles]

I love the depth and sincerity of your posts. And im all too familiar with the behaviour your describing, altho my 'persona' was of my own creation. I feared being rejected by people so much, that i created a persona people would either love or hate, well to be more exact, all the girls loved and all the boys hated. But keeping it up is so so tiring. In the early years it was so much easier than now, but now the facade is crumbling away...sigh...

 

[Forgotten_Man]

I love the depth and sincerity of your posts. And im all too familiar with the behaviour your describing, altho my 'persona' was of my own creation. I feared being rejected by people so much, that i created a persona people would either love or hate, well to be more exact, all the girls loved and all the boys hated. But keeping it up is so so tiring. In the early years it was so much easier than now, but now the facade is crumbling away...sigh...

Wow someone replied to this thread... neat. And ummm thanks? I do try because I have nothing better to do in my life.

Yeah my facade no one likes people are older now and are more polite but they hate me behind my back. For me my facade is like walking. It can be tiring but you have to do it to get places. I am finding that people hate me more and more these days though... mainly because my facade is incredibly honest... and no one wants to hear the truth.

 

[TearsDropBloodTrickles]

I know whats peoples issue with honesty, the truth will set you free, complete bollocks. I was always told in school that i was rude, im not rude, im honest. Completly honest. And i cant help it. 'White Lies' another of humanities rediculous inventions. Mankind is a bunch of hypocrites, all striving for something (except a small few) that they'll never achieve.

Mr. Forgotten Man, i quite like you, almost admire. There is something about the way you write, i wish i had it. And dont feel so bad, Society hates anyone who doesnt wish to conform. I would really love to know the person who defined this life as freedom.

 

[claycad]

I kinda get what you are saying. I have social anxiety and as soon as I leave my apartment I feel like an entirly different person from when I was inside my apartment alone. I instatly become imprisioned in a different persona. Nobody knows the real me. Even around friends and family I am much more reserved then i want to be. Then when i am alone again I rant about all the things I wanted to say to everyone during that day and I am myself, but only when I am alone.

 

[Forgotten_Man]

I know whats peoples issue with honesty, the truth will set you free, complete bollocks. I was always told in school that i was rude, im not rude, im honest. Completly honest. And i cant help it. 'White Lies' another of humanities rediculous inventions. Mankind is a bunch of hypocrites, all striving for something (except a small few) that they'll never achieve.

Mr. Forgotten Man, i quite like you, almost admire. There is something about the way you write, i wish i had it. And dont feel so bad, Society hates anyone who doesnt wish to conform. I would really love to know the person who defined this life as freedom.

Indeed my family can be the best example of hipocrites there is... I do not know why I keep them around.. other than for money.

Ummm thanks? I seem to have a writing talent and do not even know it... cause I get that I am a fantastic writer all the time. But funny thing I barely passed any writing class I was ever in.

I kinda get what you are saying. I have social anxiety and as soon as I leave my apartment I feel like an entirly different person from when I was inside my apartment alone. I instatly become imprisioned in a different persona. Nobody knows the real me. Even around friends and family I am much more reserved then i want to be. Then when i am alone again I rant about all the things I wanted to say to everyone during that day and I am myself, but only when I am alone.

Ahhh yes I call it my magic door. Once I go through it I change... or when people come in I change into world me not real me. I doubt my family even knows I am depressed much less suicidal. But ranting indeed about all the stuff I should have said because. When people confront me I generally go blank in the mind. And always say something neutral or stupid.... but thus is life... I figure the less contact I make with people the less chances I have of that happening.

 

[claycad]

yeah, that sounds a lot like me. I have social anxiety, maybe you do too. You should read some symtoms of SA and see if they sound a lot like how you are.

 

[Forgotten_Man]

yeah, that sounds a lot like me. I have social anxiety, maybe you do too. You should read some symptoms of SA and see if they sound a lot like how you are.

Yeah I do believe that I have SA but I have never been officially diagnosed. But I remember the general idea given to me by what I have read I am sure that I have it in some form or another. I have had the problem of social anxiety for quite a while now. And this persona was developed as a result. But we cannot catch all of our problems before they grow out of control no?

 

[TheBLA]

How would you exactly describe social anxiety?

I mean, I'm not afraid of leaving the house, talking to strangers and all that. Its just that I can't go to parties, I can't make friends, a girlfriend, etc, because I feel that I will always be rejected, that I am inferior to everyone and also partially that I like to be alone, but yet I get very depressing in thinking that I'll probably be alone for the rest of my life and that would cause me eternal pain and misery. :ohmy:

 

[Forgotten_Man]

How would you exactly describe social anxiety?

I mean, I'm not afraid of leaving the house, talking to strangers and all that. Its just that I can't go to parties, I can't make friends, a girlfriend, etc, because I feel that I will always be rejected, that I am inferior to everyone and also partially that I like to be alone, but yet I get very depressing in thinking that I'll probably be alone for the rest of my life and that would cause me eternal pain and misery. :ohmy:

Basically social anxiety, in my experience, is feeling intense fear just from basic socializing, even strangers. You sound like you have minor case of it. But I cannot tell you for sure. http://www.webmd.com/hw/mental_health/hw177325.asp here is a link... just look up Social Anxiety Disorder online. Or in a psychology book and you will judge for yourself. Really the best way to get an answer is to talk to a psychologist.

 

[claycad]

How would you exactly describe social anxiety?

I mean, I'm not afraid of leaving the house, talking to strangers and all that. Its just that I can't go to parties, I can't make friends, a girlfriend, etc, because I feel that I will always be rejected, that I am inferior to everyone and also partially that I like to be alone, but yet I get very depressing in thinking that I'll probably be alone for the rest of my life and that would cause me eternal pain and misery. :ohmy:

That describes it pretty well. Mainly the irrational fear of being rejected. I like to be alone as well, just not ALL THE TIME. I don't go to parties even though I would like to sometimes, I don't talk to people in class unless I absolutly have too which then causes me extreme stress, I don't do several things that I would enjoy if I could stand the social aspects of it. Although I am not afrad to leave the house in general, I do fear talking to strangers, but I have adapted to having to do it. From what you described it sounds like you might have it, I would recommend talking to a doctor or therapist about it.