Musings of an apathist

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by varek, Jul 20, 2010.

  1. varek

    varek Well-Known Member

    Do you guys care if I live or die? If so, why?

    You've never met me and you probably never will meet me. You don't know me or what I'm like. For all you know I might be a boring, or a dick. You can't know if my life is worth saving. You don't know if I'd be better off deceased.

    Including myself, there are three people in the world that care if I live or die, and that's my mother and father and sister, but the only reason they care about me is because we're blood relations. I have friends and flatmates who would maybe shed a tear if I was gone but I don't think they'd miss me - I didn't see them much when I was alive.

    I'm not saying I'm going to kill myself (I don't care enough) but what's the point in not? The only thing I enjoy is dreaming and I can't sleep all day.

    I want to call one of those suicide hotlines just to see what they'll say.
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    You're right I don't know you but I do care about anyone who is suicidal because I understand what it's like..
    and I know you have a family who would be devastated if you took your life.....
    Im the mother of a suicide and I can tell you first hand it is a living hell....
    I want to be with my has no meaning anymore and our family has disintegrated...
    if you feel suicidal get all the help you everything in your power to help yourself before you even contemplate taking your life....
    you are a worthwhile human being who deserves to live and enjoy all that it offers....
    please find a way.....
    Don't end your life and that of your familys too...
    take care and stay safe..
  3. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    I think you should give them a call. They might be able to help you through things.
  4. varek

    varek Well-Known Member


    I live with my parents for like half the year (I'm a student). They worry about me a lot. I kinda feel sorry for them though. I don't want to talk to them about what I'm feeling - I figure they'll only worry more.

    I'm sorry to hear that IV2010. I don't feel like taking my own life - I couldn't bear to do that to my family. But at the same time I don't really care for anything. I don't want to be 'cured', I'm kinda happy being miserable.

    Life goes on, right?
  5. apathetic_me

    apathetic_me New Member

    Hi there. Yes, you are right in saying that I don't know you and I might never get to know you.... You're also right, I don't know if you'd be better off deceased.

    I do know a few things though.
    That is if I threw you into the Sahara Desert now and you moved a millimeter of sand. What have you done?

    You have moved a milimeter of sand. You did something.
    No matter what, it is a fact that you cause a change\impact, how big or small it's significance is, depends on what you put your mind to do.. and why you would do it to begin with.

    I'm not sure here, but I am assuming that what you think lacks in your relationships with the only three people who would care if you died or not, is a connection. (And I am truly sorry if I have misunderstood you on this)
    You think the only reason they would shed a tear is because well, you guys are related. That's what I think about myself too, my death will not cause much of an impact on anyone (the tears will be shed yes yes, but then it's not as if they feel a genuine loss. )... maybe only 1 person, but I know she'll be fine without me eventually.

    Similar to you, the only thing that doesn't get me apathetic, is sleep... dreams are interesting too. Sometimes when I wake up, I quickly note down what I have dreamed of.. and I try to observe what my unconscious is telling me, sometimes I think I know what it means. Other times I just go blah.
    I think living is so mundane and pointless... all this mindless chitter chatter about the f*cking weather, I mean seriously I honestly do not give two shits if it's going to get 2 degrees colder tonight. Then there's all these social norms and conventions... when someone dies, people say they are sorry to hear that.. but the truth is, they are not sorry. They don't even know that person.... they do not feel a loss.

    I just joined this forum today actually... I was thinking about just going for it but then I remembered reading up on methods, awhile back... and I knew there was a high chance of failing an attempt. So here I am lurking about.

    Like I said about making an impact, I want to make an impact on my own life.
    I want to do something that will be significant, I want to know that when I die.. someone is going to feel a loss. I want to be remembered in all my best and worse moments by that person.... I'm just living and hoping to see where my efforts will take me to.
    Cos' I know I might not succeed, but I like to think I try.
  6. varek

    varek Well-Known Member

    And what if you can't find that person to care about you? What if you're too scared to look?
  7. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    There are internal reasons to live, as well.
  8. varek

    varek Well-Known Member

    I read about that in a book once, but the god damn book didn't tell me how to find any :( I've got no aspirations or anything. I just wanna be happy, but that's kinda vague and way over the horizon.