Must be some kind of record

[Callan]

I posted here about a month ago saying how I tried to kill myself and then I posted again saying the same thing. Well guess what? Since then I tried two more times. So that makes 4 this summer. And everytime I failed. So that must be some kind of record eh?

The third time I tried to hang myself but I just choked a bit and then the cord snapped and I fell to the floor.

And then last week I tried to drown myself really early in the morning. It went pretty well. I managed to force myself to stay under when that panicky feeling like you can't breathe took over. And once you get over that and you start breathing in water it gets okay again. Well, I must have passed out and then I woke up, guess where? In hospital. So it turned out some early morning joggers found me and dragged me out and I was dead. But they did CPR on me and called an ambulance and they got me back in the hospital, which I was pretty annoyed about. They said I was lucky the water was so cold. I thought that fact would have killed me quicker. Obviously I was wrong. I don't feel lucky. I feel like an idiot. I'm supposed to go back to school on Monday and I know that everyone will have heard about what I did this summer and I'll get even more shit from them at school then I did before. I hate it.

5th time lucky?

 

[Casey.]

Callan, I dont know what to say. I talked to you in chat about this, and I dont know what to say. What is making you feel this way? Is it really worth it to die?

 

[Callan]

It's ok. You don't have to say anything. There are lots of things. And I think it will be better when I am dead.

 

[Casey.]

No it won't. Try not to think like that. Things will NOT be better when you are dead. A lot of peopel will be hurt, Callan.

 

[Callan]

I don't think so.

 

[Casey.]

I would.

 

[Callan]

I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to hurt anybody. But I don't want to hurt anymore either. I can't stay here. I'm tired of always being afraid.

 

[Sil]

I have never actually attemped suicide, but there was a time, a couple of months ago, I felt very low, and thought that suicide could be a good way to ease myself. So I started to look for the best, and possibly painless way to suicide myself, and if I thought of my parents or friends, I did not find a reason not to do it... I tell you, it is not so easy... every way has its pros and cons, there is no a plain, fine way to end life, it is more diffcult than I thought! But I think I didn't mean to commit suicide for real, I think, but just thinking about it, made me feel better, don't know why. If I can dare to say what I think of failed attempts to suicide, I'd like to say (I red these things that I share somwhere) that the suicidal wants to set him/herself free from a painful living through a painless death. But suicide is never an easy step to do, and could never be done by a weak person, you have to pass a barrier. If someone has killed another person, it is easier for him to commit suicide, like many people that kill a wife/husband/sons and then suicide themselves. They kill someone before to make it easier. But if a person has always respected life, it is much difficult. They have fear of the pain and many times they can't do it. They cut their wrists and then call for help when they see all that blood, for exemple. I know you are a good guy callan, for this reason. Failed attempts are not a sign you are a fool, they are a sign you are respectful of life. I can say a last thing, the same thing I said in another post: Who is ready to die has a clear consience, has no fear of the judgment of God. And all those morons that call a suicidal a depressed, without knowing that who wants to suicide himself, he loves life much more than they do, they can't stand a half life, a stomped, maimed life. Who wants to suicide wants all or nothing. The wish to die is an extreme statement of the desire to live a full and gratifying life, even if we know that doctors and friend will pigeonhole the suicidal action as a "moment of weakness or depression". That's why I'd rather have something to do with people like you, than with everyone else, you're better than many people I'll ever meet

cheers

 

[Allo..]

That was really great Sil. Callan.. have you ever found true hapiness? its fantastic.. really great.. so give life a chance to let you live in it.. and love, love is painful and horible.. but The best thing we can ever have.. let life show you love like youve never known it.

Give life another chance... take care, Ally x