Must I lie forever?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Jan go, Sep 2, 2015.

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  1. Jan go

    Jan go Member

    So between the grades of 8 and 11 I lost 5 friends including my girlfriend. Two suicides, a plane crash, lung cancer, and Battens disease. This must sound horribly unlucky but it needs some backstory as it was the group I made friends with. As a child I had issues with my throat and immune system which closed up and temporarily collapsed respectively once each. I was put in a special camp over the summer for children who were not expected to live past the age of 12 so we could be together with those like us. Here I made the best friends of my life including my girlfriend. Our 13th birthdays were the happiest moments of our lives.

    Back to the current issue.
    After 5 of the 13 members of our original friend group passed I was devastated. In all four of the last goodbyes of my friends(my friend Ryu never got a chance to write one as he was in a fatal crash) all wrote their messages to me about how I inspired them to keep fighting and to not give up with my jokes, smile, and strength. They all asked me to live for them when they could not. But I lied to them. Every smile and joke was a lie. A mask I put on years ago. Smiles to help them get through tough times.

    But what do I do now. It's not like the storm has passed. According to the doctors, 4 of my living friends will pass in the next 4 years and 2 in the next 13 months. I don't think I can handle lying to the dying anymore. Lies I will never apologise to their faces for. But it was the last thing my friends wanted me to do. Not to mention my degrading condition isn't helping with the strong, invincible, hopeful example they saw me as.

    So what do I do? Do I lie to the bitter end when the truth comes roaring out. Do I drop the facade now and risk destroying my friend's last hopes? How can I hope to keep strong for them when I've already attempted suicide twice. How can I help them when all their hope could rest on my lies.
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. You are important and you have joined a very supportive community. You have to be strong for your friends but if means putting on a false mask. Like you, I put on a false smile but I have also learnt your own well-being is important. As equally, you care about your friends, you must care about yourself. The loss of close friends are traumatic and they time is a great healer. Sometimes, time is not a great healer as you feel their pain with you. You wonderful if you could stopped them from suffering but the situation can be replayed in your mind.
    Have taken medication or seek group therapy?

    The people in thus online community understand what you are going through and we can help you. By you posting helps you to release the inner emotions you feel and it will overcome give you comfort of where you have been and where you are going. I know you are hurting but please stay strong as I do care about YOU. I CAN RELATE AND UNDERSTAND THE PAIN YOUR GOING THROUGH. People think you are a strong person but I feel that you can be fragile as well. There is nothing wrong with that feeling like that.
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I was actually reading about battens disease yesterday in a magazine. It is extremely rare, it said only 30 people in the UK had it. That's very tragic that you lost someone to it from what I read it sounds horrendous.

    I think honestly is the best policy, just be there for them like they are for you and don't lie, just be your true self. I'm not saying turn into this monster that you think you are but be supportive and as each day passes open up a little more on how you are really feeling. Best of luck to you and again I'm sorry for your losses.
  4. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    My question is how do you want to live your life? Remember, once words are said they cannot be taken back.
  5. Jan go

    Jan go Member

    Guys I'm really sorry I left this post kinda dead in the water after I reached out for help. To be honest I was scared of even checking and I had to stay in a hospital for a week.

    But thank you for the responses. One of my oldest friends visited me and I decided to tell him my issues and he told me that all we expect you to do is to help us laugh. After I got out of the hospital I visited two of my friends over the weekend and played games with them and got them to laugh. Thank you for your input on my situation. I feel a little better about myself now that I know other people understand and that what I'm doing is helping.

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