So between the grades of 8 and 11 I lost 5 friends including my girlfriend. Two suicides, a plane crash, lung cancer, and Battens disease. This must sound horribly unlucky but it needs some backstory as it was the group I made friends with. As a child I had issues with my throat and immune system which closed up and temporarily collapsed respectively once each. I was put in a special camp over the summer for children who were not expected to live past the age of 12 so we could be together with those like us. Here I made the best friends of my life including my girlfriend. Our 13th birthdays were the happiest moments of our lives. Back to the current issue. After 5 of the 13 members of our original friend group passed I was devastated. In all four of the last goodbyes of my friends(my friend Ryu never got a chance to write one as he was in a fatal crash) all wrote their messages to me about how I inspired them to keep fighting and to not give up with my jokes, smile, and strength. They all asked me to live for them when they could not. But I lied to them. Every smile and joke was a lie. A mask I put on years ago. Smiles to help them get through tough times. But what do I do now. It's not like the storm has passed. According to the doctors, 4 of my living friends will pass in the next 4 years and 2 in the next 13 months. I don't think I can handle lying to the dying anymore. Lies I will never apologise to their faces for. But it was the last thing my friends wanted me to do. Not to mention my degrading condition isn't helping with the strong, invincible, hopeful example they saw me as. So what do I do? Do I lie to the bitter end when the truth comes roaring out. Do I drop the facade now and risk destroying my friend's last hopes? How can I hope to keep strong for them when I've already attempted suicide twice. How can I help them when all their hope could rest on my lies.