My 10-Step Social Cycle

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by gloomy, Nov 23, 2011.

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  1. gloomy

    gloomy Account Closed


    1. I open my mouth, and something insanely stupid comes out.

    2. People judge me for it, laugh at me, think I'm ignorant, stupid, crazy, weird, strange, messed up… and they keep their distance or just go onto better things without me.

    3. I feel insanely guilty and horrible.

    4. I want to kill myself.

    5. I get angry, because if I did kill myself no one would give a shit, and the people who judged me would probably just think about how messed up I was and not realize that they could have just had some fucking tact and been a better person and not tried to turn whatever point they were making into a putdown/ego-boost.

    6. I get so fucking pissed off at that that I decide I don't want to kill myself because they SHOULD CARE and I'm actually not a bad person and could have potentially come to agree with them if they hadn't been so kunty.

    7. I want to kill them.

    8. I think 'fucking hell, I can't just go around killing people'. Not because I don't want them dead, but because I couldn't handle the consequences.

    9. After a few days, I kind of get over it… and I realize that I probably don't want them dead. Well, some people I still do… but usually I don't.

    10. I probably should have learned a lesson, but I didn't.

  2. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    When I was young, I felt similar. More confused in my case, than angry in yours. I just didn't understand the mechanics of everyday social interaction. People have certain expectations for how a person they are talking to should react, how they should respond to particular non-verbal cues or verbal inflection. Eventually I keyed in to the idea that people didn't appreciate how I would never make eye contact. So I forced myself to do it. This elicited a different negative response because my eye contact was obviously forced and, in hindsight, probably pretty creepy. like this: :mellow: These days I usually stare at people's cheeks or foreheads... seems to work out alright.

    Anyway, several experiments like that followed. I didn't want acceptance, I just wanted to avoid negative reactions. None of it worked very well as you might imagine. I gradually withdrew from society over a period of years because I could never manage it correctly, and more importantly, I had no motivation to try. I liked being alone. To be honest, I don't quite understand what people mean when they say they are lonely.

    I think for you, it could help to try to identify what you said that caused this negative reaction, and what you could think about doing in future to avoid that. Maybe say nothing, maybe make yourself wait a few seconds before you answer to make sure your response is what you intend to say rather than what gets blurted out because you felt obligated and pressured to say something right away.

    Or, you could simply accept that you're weird sometimes and people will just have to get used to it. Be careful about causing unintended offense, though. It's good that you recognize this pattern of yours. In recognizing it is there, you have the ability to dissect the steps and try to address the areas where things go wrong.

    hypocritical advice alert: talking to a therapist might help (something I have never had the courage to do)
  3. SarahForgot

    SarahForgot Member

    I understand what you are going through. I have extreme social anxiety. Even though I was on medication for that (and depression) for about a year, it helped in some aspects but I am still not capable of socializing. It's so hard because nobody understands why if i like them, I don't want to hang out with them. It sucks.
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