My 39 yr old brother killed himself last summer

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by Matty321, Apr 2, 2007.

  1. Matty321

    Matty321 Well-Known Member

    I don't have another sib.

    Just me and my folks now.

    I'm new, thought I'd say HI.

  2. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Matty. I'm sorry for your loss. I can't make the pain go away but I can understand it. I can listen to you and send you hugs, if that helps any.:hug: :flowers: :hug:

    Come here whenever you have need; to talk, to vent, to tell us your experiences. You may well help someone by telling your story.


  3. MrDepressed

    MrDepressed Guest

    Welcome to the site, I am sorry about your bro, I hope that you are coping well at this time.. hopefully talk to you sometime.
  4. Lady E

    Lady E Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF.
    I'm terribly sorry for the loss of your brother. :hug:
  5. run4fun

    run4fun Well-Known Member

    my twin bro committed suicide 13 years ago. i've come further away from pain than i ever thought. the weight felt like it would never go away til the day i died. but now, i think of other family problems.
  6. Matty321

    Matty321 Well-Known Member

    I want to thank you all.

    I didn't expect such a quick welcome, thank you all, really.

    I'm in a fragile way, so it really matters.

  7. Her_ghost

    Her_ghost Member

    Wow man..
    well you came to the right place
    this is a cool site..
    welcome to the site man have fun..:smile:

    Just try not to let the past get to you...
  8. Matty321

    Matty321 Well-Known Member

    I want to thank you all again. The state I've been in is quite parallel to suicidal so I love you for saying hi at all.

    I do intend to come in and share some of my story. I guess it's my turn and only fair and I look forward to spitting it out, actually because you guys are real.

    When I'm better, Ill get around to it, in a few days--very sick right now. Just wanted to check in...

  9. raindrop

    raindrop Well-Known Member


    I am sorry for your loss. My sister committed suicide 13 years ago. It does get easier.
  10. jeffrey1

    jeffrey1 Member

    Sorry friend for your loss. Just remember we are all here for you. Theres nothing i can say that can make it eaiser. But maybe you can use this to help teach people, what the after affects can be on the ones you love.

    Be strong, wish your family the best.
  11. Matty321

    Matty321 Well-Known Member

    why we're against suicide?

    Yes, Jeffrey, and thank you raindrop.

    I actually keep thinking obsessively is there something I can make of this, do with this to help relieve myself even a little somehow. I might feel ok for a short bit and then it's ten steps back to basket case...

    My bro.

    Jesus, I still just can't believe it.

    What am I gonna do now?

    He shot himself in the head with an AK. (We were always big gun people for fucking sakes. Still are.) My Dad found him and came to me and went back to his dead body and I followed him, I had to be the last place my brother was, even if it was at a gas station, all public...

    He lie down in the truck by now, ambulance, cops take our story and take him away when we leave.

    His skull was shockingly THIN as I came upon a big piece of it cleaning out his truck alone a coupla days later at the lot.

    I can't let the truck go unsearched for anything, who knows what you want there, just anything like a note or piece of him in any way and so I did it, I volunteered to go search it and I stumble on a huge piece of his skull and it is very thin, scary-thin-- I think, It's just a little heady, poor baby how can you do this?, you were so fragile anyway, life is so short anyway and it's all very random who gets to keep there's to begin with. This, I think, is why we hate suicides, guys...

    I continue my search for I don't know what, scrambling and crazied by grief and now coupled with the shock of my bro's fragile skull, dodging having to look at it but still distracted by it, it's so shocking, and now I see the tiny head goo on the seat...

    It was a tiny piece of flesh that mananged to hang onto the tiniest bits left of his beautiful blonde hair... They spiked straight up from the piece of flesh.

    I take what little matters anymore and leave and go home and flip out just a little and ended up keeping a plastic bag with his bloodied papers from the truck under my staircase for months--something might have come of them, some were work papers and rumors had flown that he'd been sent home from work for crying, we were considering suing. So now I have his brain-bloodied paperwork I may need for a case, I dunno... [But I did get rid of it eventually recognizing it was macabre.]

    I did clean his place to get rid of it and had some help from my husband and my bro's friend taking out all his things as we separated and divvied up everything between us and my folks and this, my friends, is mind-boggling to do...

    And so much more exists to the story it's useless to go any further right now, that was already stretching my schedule, I have work to do...

    But this is a sliver of me for the offering.

    I hope nobody ever does this again.


  12. imheretohelp

    imheretohelp Member

    hi matty, i lost my brother to, im not sure if it will help you but if you want i will pm you how i got over it and what the days after my brother died were like, im here for you and understand your pain,i felt suicidal aswell at the time but i did my best along with my parents and sister we battled through the sadness and took the storm head on, my family still remembers him and i still miss him, he was like a father figur to me growing up as he was 15yrs older because my dad was a succesful lawyer and often got home late and left early. every christmas remember him by placing a chair a the table but we just place a picutre of him on the chair, makes us remember the good memorys and makes sure we will talk about him if we need to, you will get through it, dont let death persway you, it will be worse before it gets better the 'the long road of life dos have some untarmaced areas'. (thats my motto)