This time last year I developed a habit for poppy tea (opium), I'd tried it before, I have always sought out anything to help me relax as self medication as that's what I've craved the most. I've never been able to relax, I dream a lot, when I wake is the most tired and depressed I feel all day. At the end of 2008 I became depressed and anxious as I worked out then is a pattern of mine. I started abusing OTC painkillers, taking them in the morning to enable me to face going outside or even to just get out of bed. To cut a long story short, while visiting home for xmas I went on antidepressants which made everything worse, ended my relationship and left me choosing to live alone in a town where I knew nobody but my ex. It was either that or go back to live at my Mum's and I was so sick of using the place as a bolt hole when things went wrong, I believed I'd move on better away from there. The meds made every emotion worse, to stop the risk of harming myself with the painkillers I started drinking poppy tea. I knew what I was signing up for at the start, it was never a fun experiment that got out of control. It helped take the sharp edges off my emotions and let me relax and sleep, even wake up feeling like I'd had a restful sleep. I don't regret getting into it at all, I actually believe it saved my life. A few times in those early days when it wasn't a daily habit and I'd run out, I had terrible nights where I thought I wouldn't survive. I wanted to hurt myself in the most violent ways possible. When it did become more of a habit I tried to quit a couple of times cold turkey, I went through a week of staying at a friends and my Mums with restless legs and sleeplessness only to carry on drinking it when I went home. I wasn't ready to give it up yet, I still wanted it in my life. Cut to the last few months of last year, I'd been through a terrible ordeal that isn't the subject of this post. I was living somewhere I hated and was scared of, with people I didn't know well enough to be comfortable was. I was afraid of being in other rooms in the house let alone outside. I barely moved or ate, just drank poppy tea as it let me exist in a foggy half asleep/half awake world and not tire of it. It not longer really helped though, I was terrified and anxious all the time, and you can't get anything done on it. Luckily, and I am very grateful for this. I was about to have the chance of a change of scenery. A friend of mine asked me to stay for a week to keep her company, then I was due to go to my Mum's for xmas and then to Germany to stay with my best mate for New Year. Despite being afraid of the travelling, the urge to get away from the house pushed me along. My plan was to use all these visits to quit the poppies completely. I would taper off at my friends and my Mum's and be cold turkey for Germany. I'd never been on a plane before, and wouldn't risk taking it with me. The stay with the first friend ended badly, she turned out to be no friend at all, but the opportunity to be away from the house helped me anyway. As did staying at my Mums. Germany was fantastic, I worried about withdrawal but I was prepared this time and had already started taking vitamins beforehand, including magnesium which helps a lot with restless legs. I did get diahrea, sweated a lot at night and didn't get a lot of sleep but the extreme change of scenery and spending each day with people I trusted helped stop any mental withdrawal from affecting me. It was the best time to do it. This time away helped me make important and risky decisions, like having to move out of that house, and being sober enabled me to actually do it. Unfortunately in the last week I have had some a couple of times. I still had some left you see and always prefered knowing it was there so I could choose not to take it rather than physicly restricting myself. I didn't even crave it, just have hit a slump, my mood is low, anxiety is high and just didn't care :/ I don't think it will restart the habit again though.