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My Angel, My Mum

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by BeautifulTragedy, Jan 12, 2009.

  1. Im still trying to figure out why i joined this forum, i just dont know what to expect, im guess im hoping to find someone who has been through what im going through and i guess they can give me the advice i want to hear, like "its ok, it will get easier", im sick of hearing that becuase loosing a mum, especially one that was more of a sister to me and best friend, i really dont think it gets easier... but what i want to know is does it get more bareable?

    See on 6th Sept 08, i woke up to find my mum hanging, after screaming and finally being able to get to her and lay her body down, and knwoing it was over coz she was so cold, ive lost hope. On the outside if you met me, u would think oh she looks so happy and is always smiling, i have a gorgeous 7 month old baby, and am blessed with a great husband.. i am young, but people who know me also know this is what i wanted a young family.. i just never imagined id be without a mum, someone who is MEANT TO ALWAYS BE THERE!!!

    I fell not only like a terrible daughter now, because i didnt see this coming, i mean me and my mum talked every single day we saw each other every single day i did not pick this up... i also feel like a terrible mother, because i feel as though my daughter even though she is a teeny tot knows im not quite here... im in space, im in my own world... i smile and talk about the future and i look happy and ofocurse i grieve... but if you leave e alone or with my bby for a minute and i know i will have that time i break down... i dont know i dont feel like the same person, i lack that motivation, that love, that passion... i hope this passes because i need to be there for my family, i dont need my bby growin up without me... i guess i have work to thank for this working fulltime for a mth has actually helped cause it makes me take my mind of things... but... im just wondering is this another excuse to cover the feelings up, and talk about work with family then how im reaslly feeling?

    It just kills not having my mum around, a day has not gone by that i have not shed a tear, i watch her dvds every nite, and fotos on my mobile are always open and all aorund my house... i just wish she was here... i know this will never get easier, i just hope i learn to cope better... i guess the wounds will heal slowly just not completely....

    i dont know what i expect posting this thread but it has simply helped to lay it out..

  2. tintin

    tintin Guest

    Hey hun. First things (I know you've heard this a million times before) i'm sorry for your loss.
    I understand what you mean about been sick about hearing the "I'm sorry it will get easier" routine. I know I was. I lost my mum six years ago in Feb and it was no where near the circumstances you did. She had a lifetime illness and just gave up the fight. We knew it was going to happen so we could prepare. I can't imagine how it must be when it's so sudden. But those silly things like "it will get easier" are true. It takes time and your allowed to grieve. You don't have to be strong all the time. Take it from me grieving helps. I was twelve when my mum died. I'm eighteen now and I'm only just grieving. I have spent so much of those six years feeling like a supressed volcano that it feels good to let it out. It's healthy too.
    It's obvious the pain and loss is never going to go away but (repeating that silly saying again) it does get easier with time I promise you.

    PM if you ever need to talk.
    Once again I'm sorry for your loss.

  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I'm so sorry for your loss hun.

    I'm here if you need to talk x
  4. Fern17

    Fern17 Well-Known Member

    Hi there,

    I'm glad you're here. A friend of mine lost her father in the exact same way, last summer. I know how hard it has been on her, too.

    I lost my best, closest friend in the world about 12 years ago. Not to suicide, but to an accident. I remember so many people saying "it gets easier with time" and I remember after hearing it for the hundredth time, I wanted to punch 'em.

    And then much later (not sure how long--months, maybe more than a year) I remember having a day when I actually thought, 'Hm. They were right.'

    She was only 22 when she died and I wish she was still here. I grieved for a long time and one day came when I actually didn't cry. For a good year to a year and a half, those days were few and far between. But eventually, I could think of her and smile because of the good memories, rather than think of her and feel my heart hurting so badly. I still cry a couple times a year because I will always miss my dearest friend.

    I am so sad that you have to deal with this loss--and that you were the first to find your mother. But you know what? I'm really glad you posted this. You give some of us a much-needed perspective on suicide.

    Thank you.

    Please feel free to talk with me further if you'd like.
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sorry for what you have been through. It isn't fair to a child, no matter how old they are, to find their parent like that. You are not a terrible daughter for not seeing it coming. If your mom wanted you to, you would have seen it. Many times people who are hurting for some reason become an expert at hiding that pain so no one can see it. You are right that you will always miss your mom and sometimes it may be painful, but it will not always be there everyday. There will be certain times you wish you could share something or wish to talk with her. You are not a bad mother for grieveing either. You will get back to where you concentrate more on your daughter. i am sure you are still there for her. It takes time for all this. I wish I could say how much, but it is different for everyone. Don't be afraid to seek support. Keeping it all inside won't help the healing process. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me. I will answer as soon as I am able. You will remain in my thoughts. :hug:
  6. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    wow that is terrible i am so sorry that happened :(
    i hope you find the support you need here...

    sam x
  7. thanks to everyone who replied,it means a lot to know that there are people out there who sort of share what im going thorugh in one form r another.
    It hurts and with time ive noticed that it does in fact get harder, i hope what everyone is saying that it will get easier really is true.. im having faith in that...

    in fact ellie took her first walk today was adorable just to see those little legs waddle like a goose, but she made it ok, everyone is shocked at how young she is, but shes mummys lil smarty she always ahs to do things before they are meant to (she was 3 wks premature) !! the reaosn i mention this is that i remebered my mum and me having a conversation about ellie wen she was born and mum made a jk that shes probably going to walk before she is one, or atleast attempt it... and she did a few steps today!! made me think of my mum and had a sense of relaxation i dont know how to explain it but all i could do was smile as i looked at the picture that hung there of my mum as i held ellie.. ahh was a good day for me today!

    and then i read all these posts and it does help it really does, a few i want to pm and i will soon as soon as i get a chance.

    once again thank u, it really does help i know ive said it a few times but ill say it as many times more, because its true
  8. kat82

    kat82 Member

    I lost my mum to suicide march-08, and have struggled with many of the same thoughts you have. I find human relations to sometimes be hard cause there is so much going on inside, but then again, it's seems like it's what I need the most. I don't have any children, but I have a nephew and find children to be "helpful" in such a hopeless situation. There are days that are okay, once in a while there is a somewhat good day. I find that the okay days come more and more often, but I don't expect anything. It's so nice that you could think of your mum without breaking down, that means a lot, and hopefully, eventually that's what it comes down to. No mums would want their children to feel all the consuming negative emotions we feel when thinking about them, but it takes time, and in time I'm sure things will get better, they have to! :smile: It's scary to think that since you lost such a big part of who you were, you won't become who you were suppose to be, but who you will become will be a strong person with wisdom and love to pass on to others the best way you know how. Thank you for sharing your story, I wish you and your family all the best!