Ok so I should put this in the right place. I'm just letting it all out... I've been feeling pretty hollow. Like, I'm a switchboard. Like I am switching between two evils and there's no happy medium. Mom's back home. Today is my dad's 40th birthday. I care a lot about him, but mom can be really cold a lot of the time. She isn't the mom I needed growing up with a MI. And of all those times she tried to convince me that pills were bad, it's a lot to stir up in me. I've been feeling like it's pointless to journal, because it's all just journaling to myself, and there's no go-between. I haven't been in college for a year about. I dropped out and I found at first it was ok, but my laziness has been getting the better of me. We're going to have a big party for him this weekend and I am happy for him. We had a big party for my brother. I bought him three presents. But anyways, I don't know what to do. I have been really empty, apathetic, I started stattera and it helped in so many ways...so I will give it a chance I guess. I feel so frustrated. I haven't seen a therapist in over six months. And I don't know why my dad won't just pay the fucking late fees. I am feeling so upset. I mean, really really angry. I have a reason to be I guess. The other pills make me apathetic to my emotions, and turn me all peaceful and passive. Right now I am confused...and I feel wronged. I shouldn't have been kicked out of that forum for saying people were acting prejudiced, because they were. Because people are and that's what I should have realized. I used to trust people too much. NOW, I guess, I finally have trust issues. Because honestly? You kind of people can go to hell. People who are prejudice on the internet are just as prejudiced and judgmental in real life, because that is our culture. People are full of themselves...I'm sure that means i must be as well. Now I feel even more angry... Like the kind where you've been put on the defense so many times that you just want to kick someone's teethe in. This passive aggressive nonsense, it really gets to me these days. Why would you ever look up to someone you perceived as weak, when weakness is defending yourself against everyone perceived as "strong" well...I guess majority rules anyways. Why are people so sickening? Maybe that's my problem, I just don't know how to care about anyone anymore. I am so upset, I feel so empty and there is nothing to fill this void..