My Asperger's is mostly Hell and sometimes okay

[godsbeloved]

Been a VERY rough week. I just can't interact with people. Yet when I hermit I get so sad from being alone, then I think I will give people a try again. I met some new people this week and we had lunch together and I was feeling pretty good and it seemed to me things were going well. And I was supposed to call one and set up a coffee time today, but when I called I got a very rude brush off. This triggers the suicidal thought circle...mostly someplace in me calling out to "let me out." I hate it here on earth most of the time. It sucks. It is too painful because I experience people as cruel, cold and derisive. I do all I know how to do to be a friend, but this Asperger's makes me extremely emotionally hypersensitive. So being with people is just too painful.

Occasionally I enjoy the intelligence and the unique perspective that Aspberger's gives me, but this inability to be with people has made me so lonely and to just want out. I am so tired today, so deeply tired of being sad, of being rejected, of being lonely and unable to bond with people. I am exhausted and my mind is running those thoughts about wanting out. I keep praying my heart will stop. I would welcome an "honest" death right now.

 

[LoveBeing]

Dear Caroline,

I’m sorry you are feeling this way for the moment…

You know that the person you were calling might have his/her own issues or was just preoccupied at the time and would have answered the call in that manner regardless who was calling. It was not necessarily personal. His/her intention to ask you to call was very likely from a good place in his/her heart...

You are aware how you feel may have to do with Asperger. Is it possible to observer the thoughts and emotions and not take things personal with the awareness when things like this happen?

You know you can be a good friend to yourself. One can be alone but not necessarily feels lonely. We cannot control how others behave, but we have the power to choose how to respond (with our thoughts and feelings) to what happens. Each of us can be independent and whole while we can feel the connectedness with the rest of the universe without any thoughts or direct communication. Here is a quote from the book "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle I’d like to share with you:

“Identification with your mind creates an opaque screen of concepts, labels, images, words, judgments, and definitions that blocks all true relationship. It comes between you and yourself, between you and your fellow man and woman, between you and nature, between you and God. It is this screen of thought that creates the illusion of separateness, the illusion that there is you and a totally separate "other." You then forget the essential fact that, underneath the level of physical appearances and separate forms, you are one with all that is. By "forget," I mean that you can no longer feel this oneness as self-evident reality. You may believe it to be true, but you no longer know it to be true…”

Do you remember the story “Is That So” in his book “A New Earth”? Here it is again:

The Zen Master Hakuin lived in a town in Japan. He was held in high regard and many people came to him for spiritual teaching. Then it happened that the teenage daughter of his next-door neighbor became pregnant. when being questioned by her angry and scolding parents as to the identity of the father, she finally told them that he was Hakuin, the Zen Master. In great anger the parents rushed over to Hakuin and told him with much shouting and accusing that their daughter had confessed that he was the father. All he replied was, “Is that so?”

News of the scandal spread throughout the town and beyond. The Master lost his reputation. This did not trouble him. Nobody came to see him anymore. He remained unmoved. When the child was born, the parents brought the baby to Hakuin. “You are the father, so you look after him.” The Master took loving care of the child. A year later, the mother remorsefully confessed to her parents that the real father of the child was the young man who worked at the butcher shop. In great distress they went to see Hakuin to apologize and ask for forgiveness. “We are really sorry. We have come to take the baby back. Our daughter confessed that you are not the father.” “Is that so?” is all he would say as he handed the baby over to them.

You may remember that Eckart Tolle is also a hermit in a way. If you still have the book “A New Earth”, Chapter Six is about “Breaking Free” from the pain-body…

Please accept and love yourself unconditionally and be your own best friend…

With loving wishes and hugs :hug:

 

[oxygenidia]

Been a VERY rough week. I just can't interact with people. Yet when I hermit I get so sad from being alone, then I think I will give people a try again. I met some new people this week and we had lunch together and I was feeling pretty good and it seemed to me things were going well. And I was supposed to call one and set up a coffee time today, but when I called I got a very rude brush off. This triggers the suicidal thought circle...mostly someplace in me calling out to "let me out." I hate it here on earth most of the time. It sucks. It is too painful because I experience people as cruel, cold and derisive. I do all I know how to do to be a friend, but this Asperger's makes me extremely emotionally hypersensitive. So being with people is just too painful.

Occasionally I enjoy the intelligence and the unique perspective that Aspberger's gives me, but this inability to be with people has made me so lonely and to just want out. I am so tired today, so deeply tired of being sad, of being rejected, of being lonely and unable to bond with people. I am exhausted and my mind is running those thoughts about wanting out. I keep praying my heart will stop. I would welcome an "honest" death right now.

Hi. I relate to a lot of what you're saying, the unability to bond with people, being unable to be with people but feeling so lonely and isolated because of it. I have never been diagnosed, but have lately began to wonder if I have something like asberger's. It seems to me that my problem with people is a little more than just being a loner... I don't know. Either way I really relate to how you're feeling and I'm going through the same shit of trying to just cope with keeping on living. I really have no desire for life anymore, well not much anyway....
Just please know that you are not alone in feeling the way that you feel, and that you can pm me if you need to talk. Please stay with us.

 

[godsbeloved]

Thank you Lovebeing,
The struggle for me is not the thoughts, but the feelings. I wake up every day feeling horribly sick with anxiety and painful emotions I am experiencing in my body, mostly my chest and gut. These are so strong that I can barely function. It takes every skill I have not to roll up in a ball and cry. I have learned to act really well, so I am fairly good at hiding it and going thru the motions of daily life. When I feel this way, which is about 80% of the time, I have repetitive thoughts about wanting out, because I just want the terrible pain to stop. So my interchanges with people are triggering. Even tho I can tell myself not to react because people are just having their day, it doesn't stop the triggering and so the only way I can control it is to isolate. As I get older it only gets worse, not better and the thought of living more years feeling this sick is horrific. I work hard at trying to find some kind of spiritual lesson, but I just need a break from this pain. I will reread the chapter on the pain body..thank you for that, but truthfully, I have tried it all, done it all, and I believe my physical neurology is so compromised, I do not have the capacity to heal any longer. I do EFT a LOT! So far, nothing. I have been to many different types of natural healers, and I cannot tolerate any medications for this. Everything we tried made me worse. I feel trapped. Thank you for your answer. If only I could actually think my way out I would, but this is physical.

 

[godsbeloved]

Hello Oxygenidia, Thank you for your reply. It really helped me to find out I am Asperger's, because it helped me to make a lot of sense of things. Some people think it is unhealthy to get labeled. But for me, it helped me to understand why life is like it is for me, and has helped to to better know how to deal with my difficulties with people. I have made one attempt, back in 2005, but at the last minute I backed out and saved myself, because of 2 things...I was not sure if I succeeded that I would not end up in a worse feeling situation beyond this world, and second, I was considering adopting a teenager in another country, and I thought maybe something good would happen there and I wanted to try it. I did, and it did turn out to be a very positive experience, and has gone well, However, the painful emotions and neurology I experience stays with me. Thank you for answering.

 

[jxdama]

i hope you will report to chat. we have several members there with aspergers.

 

[LoveBeing]

Hi Caroline - I've sent you a private message but I cannot tell if it is sent. Can you please let me know if you receive it? Thanks