My Attempt At Togetherness

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Cheekstheclown, Feb 13, 2009.

  1. For the last year or so I have felt extra lonely. It was mostly during the summer time when school was out, but now that I'm out of school it seems to be constant. I'm 21 years old and I feel like a jaded bitter man in his 50's. I think what has been bothering me most is that I'm going out places and still can't seem to find a connection. I've "lived about the influence" my entire life never getting into drugs yet I have nothing to show for it except wandering around on my feet for hours at night trying to find something. I made a point not to get into alcohol because it pretty much ruined my family and going to a local bar at night seems to be my only option.

    It just seems like every time I open up to someone about the way I feel they either don't get it when they think they do or they tell me things will get better, which they really haven't since 5th grade when I first began to experience suicidal thoughts. There really shouldn't be much of a reason for me to feel this way, or maybe I'm just used to the craziness in my life that it doesn't seem to be so bad. It's just hard to be at my young age, have no real friends that seem to want to help, and to continue on.

    I know I've accomplished quite a bit with myself that I've done on my own that I should be proud of. I lost over 100 lbs on my own through diet and exercise yet nothing feels much different. I never hurt other people and I always try my hardest at whatever it is that I do and there's so little to show for it. Maybe this is just destiny that was formed in my genes. There is a belief that we have no free will, but rather we are controlled by our genetics and as each day goes on I begin to firmly believe in that even more. I'm aware that I have a genetic disorder, but my dad has never really told me what it is. Searching through the Internet I have found one that seems very possible and one of the symptoms is depression. I travel 3 nights a week to NYC for an hour and a half for a part-time gig hoping to make some sort of a connection. I have made a few new friends, but they're still so far away.

    I could really go on forever, but I won't for many reasons, one of them being Robot Chicken is on in 12 minutes.

    Best of luck to you all and if you're ever looking for a friend you can PM me
  2. The_Discarded

    The_Discarded Staff Alumni

    Hooooly shit! Over 100 pounds! If you have the will and ability to do that, then hunny, you have the will and ability to do anything.

    'Though, for the record, I'm not going to tell you that things'll "get better." 'Cause the truth is, they won't. Not on their owns. Gotta work at it. Maybe get some help or something.

    You seem to have a good sense of humor, a good grasp of grammar (I have a stick up my ass about that, and you win), a good understanding of things....

    Lemme get this straight: are you a bit slow to open up? is the issue that you can't make "friends", or that you can't make connections? The latter is seriously isolating, and I'm sorry you've gotta experience it.

    You don't have to rationalize the way you feel. There doesn't have to be a reason for it. Maybe it's biological. Maybe you're just friggin' depressed. Weighing 100 pounds more than you do currently may have perpetuated that; who knows? Who cares? The important thing is fixing it. You're 21 and you're young (woops throwing around cliches, here), and you have all the time in the world to find friends/connections. Keep at it, maybe. It's a lot easier if you do the approaching. I don't think the people at bars are necessarily the people you'd wanna make long-term connections with, anyway. :laugh:

    I'm sorry. Sounds tough. Good luck and best wishes. If anything, know you're not unheard. :arms:
  3. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    Hiya Cheekstheclown, welcome to sf :welcome:

    my name is Lea :shake: pleased to meet you :)
  4. Thanks for the well wishes. I'm actually going into NYC to work on my stand up comedy career, which I guess you could say is my therapy. Believe it or not, most of us are actually not that happy of people. Of course tonight was ironic feeling so alone (I woke up at 8:30 and didn't talk to another human being until around 6ish despite the fact that I was at work all day) and my job was to make happy couples' nights fun.

    You have me pegged pretty well. I know I do purposely isolate myself a lot of the time and there is no real reason for it. A part of it has to do with jealousy and also the fact that I always seem to be everyone's "therapist" helping them solve problems and being the listening ear and never have the reciprocal of it. You seem like an intelligent person who probably goes through the same thing a lot too.

    Thanks again for the response!
  5. It's a pleasure to meet you too Lea. :biggrin: