My attempt

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by TaraJo, Jul 14, 2009.

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  1. TaraJo

    TaraJo Banned Member

    Yes, I attempted suicide. Just a few weeks ago, on fathers' day, in fact.

    I went to a crisis center and told them that I'm about to have a breakdown. They basically ignored me (I have a couple of ideas why). I was told to leave. So, I bought a Pepsi in the waiting room and used it to wash down a mouth full of pills. The security guard took the rest of the pills away from me, but I stormed off. Then I waited, outside in a hidden corner. However, instead of just drifting off to sleep, I couldn't get comfortable because of the heat. I don't remember thinking clearly, but I vaguely remember walking down to an ER (while I'm seeing things; made for an interesting walk). I remember going in and telling them what happened and I remember how barely had the balance to sit up in the chair. Otherwise, it was a blur. I didn't remember much until I woke up the next day in the ER.

    I can't help but think, were it not for the heat, I wouldn't be here right now.
  2. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    Well, thank God for the heat then!

    I'm sorry to hear they turned you away from the crisis center! That is absolutely appalling! When you're back on your feet, you should definitely lay a complaint against whoever treated you like this. I'm so glad your ok though. How are you doing now? Have you seen someone to talk about this?
  3. TaraJo

    TaraJo Banned Member

    Well, that's where it gets complicated.

    Before I hobbled down to the ER, I had most of my belongings in a suitcase. I tried to stash them somewhere safe before I went, but, since I wasn't thinking clearly, it wasn't the best spot, so when I got out of the ER, my stuff was gone! One of the very important things from that were my pills; without those pills, I started to feel the emotional effects after a couple of days. I was getting angry and irritable. I knew I was on the verge of another breakdown, so I checked myself back into the hospital to go to the psych floor. They got me back on my meds and even got me a refill along with a referal to someone who can continue to refill the meds for me (I hope; some doctors are terrified to write an rx for my meds because they don't know enough about them and aren't sure what they will do; trust me, as strange as the effects may seem, it's nowhere near as bad as the effects of NOT having my pills!)

    Honestly, at the crisis center, when they did an intake interview, I wasn't planning to hurt myself right then and there, but I knew I was on the verge of a breakdown. When they refused to admit me, I think that pushed me over the edge. People around me have learned: when I tell you I'm on the verge of a breakdown I AM SERIOUS!!!

    As of now.... still stressed. Alot of my problems are unresolved. I have a hard time trusting people enough to tell them everything I'm dealing with so nobody really gets a full idea of what I'm going through. Yet, in my past, when I have trusted people like that, they hurt me in the end. I left the apartment last night, fully intending to go to Wal Mart, buy some sleeping pills and then just fine a nice, quiet corner to slip away in; the only thing that really stopped me was that I had a friend who talked me down. However, I still have desires to hurt myself. I can't eat, no matter how hungry I get and I got an exacto knife because I want to cut myself with it.
  4. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    Hey Tarajo,

    It's amazing how quickly things can spin out of control once we stop taking our medication. I stopped my meds a few weeks back as well, because I thought I was better and I can do without them. BIG mistake!

    Anyway, I'm sorry that your in this much pain! I'm always here if you'd like to talk, and I promise you I won't hurt you. But I think you should still talk to a therapist or psychiatrist, to let them help you as well. In the end all I can do is listen and a friendly voice (or text if you will :tongue: ), but can actually help you work through your unresolved problems.

    I'm still shocked that the crisis center turned you away. They ought to know better than to not take someone seriously when they actually come all the way in for some help..

    Anyway, feel free to pm me if you'd like to talk!
    Take care

  5. TaraJo

    TaraJo Banned Member

    Yeah, meds ARE important to me. Unfortunately, the ONLY meds that seem to help my mood would be my estrogen and I can't seem to get a whole lot of help with those. Funny; I have a long history with all kinds of psych meds that have been supposed to help calm me down and improve my mood, but none of them seemed to help much. I'm on estrogen and *BAM* problem solved (mostly). Yet, I can't get help with it. Weird, huh?
  6. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    Yeah, there are a lot of different things that can cause depression and hormone imbalance is one of them. The thing is, that sometimes it is not enough to correct the problem with medication. You've probably been through a lot since suffering from depression, and all of that takes its toll and that is when therapy can be very helpful (last time I will mention it I swear :tongue: ).

    I know my brother suffered from brucella (a rare sickness from eating infected meat) for a while, and one of the symptoms was depression as well. It was only by chance that the sickness was picked up in a blood test, and if they didn't pick it up, he would probably still be suffering today as anti-depressants wouldn't have fixed the problem.

    But you should go to a doctor at least (if you haven't already) to check if you've got a hormone imbalance or any other cause of depression. Psychiatrists usually do all these blood test on the first visit to just cancel them all out.

    Anyway, I hope you can find some answers!

  7. TaraJo

    TaraJo Banned Member

    Yeah, I know a hormone imbalance is part of the problem. Before I started dealing with that, I know I suffered from major depression. Now I think it's kinda switched to bipolar; when I'm not depressed, I'm usually overly-cheerful and super-happy. An improvement, I guess, but over-happy girl may be annoying some people. I dunno, what I'm thinking of as manic episodes aren't that bad and if I could feel like that all the time, it wouldn't be so bad.

    Anyway, I'm going through some really tough stuff right now. I'm totally remaking myself, pretty much from the ground up. That's a big task. The end result will be a better, stronger woman, but getting there is the challenge. I'm starting to lose hope. Yet, I can't "go back" because that would be a fate worse than death for me.

    It's not fair; why do I have to fight so hard just to be myself? Why is it I have to go through so much just to get something so many other people get naturally?

    I need friends but I don't feel like I have any right now.
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I'm glad you survived! You were brave to go back in there. xx
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