my attempts to escape.

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by crystaltears, Oct 30, 2014.

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  1. crystaltears

    crystaltears Member

    I have had suicidal thoughts since I was at least 5, I have been in chronic pain and as most would describe dissociative for at least just over a year before that...
    I don't know why , I suspect however it may be something my mind couldn't handle some point before turning 4. I have little tid bits of memory from then pointing towards possible CSA as the reason, and some other more odd memories that don't make a lot of sense to me.

    I do not honestly know how many times I attempted. - too many to count i guess -

    the only time I ever did it as a cry for help was the first time.
    even then I wouldn't have been disappointed if i had been successful and nobody noticed...

    I was in school , and I cant remember what the supervision aid said but I think other kids also had been being cruel to me as well and I couldn't take it anymore - my grief from not having my grandmother , my constantly not believed pain , the neglectful nature of my parents especially my dad - it was just too much.
    so I tried to asphyxiate myself with a toy...
    but I also knew it wasn't likely to work since i would let go if i passed out and even at 5 i knew this. but I was so distressed I figured it was worth a shot.
    nobody noticed. 2 feet from an adult and nobody even sees me until the bell has rang and all im told is to hurry up back inside.
    depressed I have to return to a classroom where my teacher is biased against girls who like to act like boys , back to the cruel kids who only left me alone for as long as they believed I would defend myself.

    years of attempts followed.

    I ended up with dozens of reasons to not want to continue.
    every year comes with a bucketful of stress and trauma always something new, never leaving me enough time to deal with the last problem before a new one comes. - but I still don't know what the first reason I felt this way honestly is.

    fast forward to highschool...

    I had hit a low point in my depression , the reason why i kept living so far was mostly fear of being crippled by an attempt but living.
    I briefly stopped caring one night after problems at school and fighting with my mom, I Overdosed. or at least attempted to and wrote a note.
    I also wrote a note about waking me up earlier for my mother - in case it failed I didn't want to be late for school after all... no use being a further inconvenience...

    back then I though it was not enough. my stupid brain going for symbolism over actually looking at how much it would take to do irrecoverable damage.

    I was wrong I only found out last year that I could have died still- over the next 3 days not right away...

    but that clearly wasn't something my mother knew...
    I was dog sick that morning. my stomach was in cramps I was vomiting.
    my mom found out , because I told her.
    know what she did?
    she laughed.
    she told me if i was so serious I would be dead.
    and that i wouldn't have left the note to wake me for a shower.
    and made me go to school anyway.

    to myself I feel these are 2 memories of attempts I made that were significant turning points in my life.

    I had many attempts but their memories aren't as clear or pervasive as these 2
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