My background for anyone interested.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Raphael1, Mar 13, 2010.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    My name is Dean and I'm almost suicidal. As I grew up there was always hope of something better. I had a great childhood with some interesting unique friends. My dad and mum were good to me. Christmas and birthdays were great. Those days were easy and fun. Everything was new. Although at age 11 I lost contact with my girlfriend which was heart breaking. I use to roller blade and bikeride with her and send her letters. We use to go to the pool. It was great. I haven't had a girlfriend since. School was pretty much fun and exciting. As I grew up there was a defining moment when I realized I wanted to be in a band and play music. This was before I realized some of my disabilities. That dream died when I finally realized I just didn't have the talent to be good enough at it. I also wanted to be a pilot at one stage. And a writer. A professional golfer. Then a film director. And a lawyer. Then I realized I just wasn't good enough at these things. Soon enough all these different things I wanted to do I realized I didn't have the talent for them. I started to lose hope. So after school I went and did varies low paying mundane jobs. This is where I started to struggle. Gas station attendant. Working in a factory. Things like that. Then I realized that I had social anxiety disorder. And a personality disorder. And a learning disorder of some kind. I just couldn't function normally like other people did. I got a car loan and went into debt. There was no way to pay it back. I left my job and moved back into my mums place at 24. That is the age I am now. I had a mental breakdown and that put me in hospital. They gave me ECT treatment. Now I'm on a disability pension recovering on medication. I realize now that I have little hope of a good future and I feel like I screwed up my chances of a decent career. I'm starting to turn to drugs to numb the pain. I'm poor and struggling to find any appropriate work. I don't like living in my mums place much because I am the kind of person that needs my own space badly. So at this point in my life I feel trapped and useless. My favorite artist kurt cobain is long dead. I like artists like Rhianna. Now I listen to bands like short stack. I like music and film. But it's only like an escape from my problems. I would really like to help people in life but I am unable to even help myself. I am unable to provide a decent service to anyone. This feeling of being cornered is hardcore intense and problematic. Every day is the same with the problems remaining. And what seems like no solution. Each day goes by so slow and when sleep comes it's a relief. But sleep is only an escape again from my problems. I read about other peoples issues on here and feel bad for them too. I'm not depressed but I do feel like I have lost hope in maintaining a certain amount of control over my life. I feel very restricted with no chances of improving my situation or standard of living. I am by nature someone who enjoys being creative. But I find no outlet avaliable to be creative and express myself. Other than writing out what is probably childish complaining posts like this on the internet. I know I am lucky to have a roof over my head and food and running water, and my health. I live in a good country which I was born in. But still I am struggling to keep my sanity day after day. I just wish I was more intelligent, less selfish, and more strong willed to get through this. My pain is increasing past my ability to cope with it. This is very scary and a very bad experience. I really don't know how to solve my own problems. There is so much I left out of my life but I'm trying to convey some kind of summary here just doing my best to express something of how I feel.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Glad you are here expressing yourself. I think doing some volunteer work will help give you that feeling you want. Volunteering is helping others at a food bank at an animal shelter, at a nursing home hospital volunteer work helps you feel part of something not so alone. Coming here helping others you are doing a good service. Can you work at night where there is not as many people around keep talking and sharing here as it does help being heard being seen even on the internet you realize you are not so alone anymore. People from all over the world here and they all can relate to your post so thanks for doing that. take care okay try getting out join a group take art lessons acting lessons just to get out and be a part of something take care.
     
  3. rostova

    rostova Member

    It seems like you are way too hard on yourself. Most people are not professional athletes or world-famous musicians. Maybe you abandoned these enjoyable hobbies when you realized you couldn't be "the best." Some people still get pleasure from leisure activities even though they know they aren't that great.

    You don't need to be the world's greatest anything in order to be a great person. I hope you can find something you enjoy and start doing it - whether it's a career or just for fun. That's what life is all about! Maybe you should talk to a therapist about some of these difficulties your having. It's hard to be happy when you are your own worst critic. Best wishes to you. You seem like an incredibly nice person.
     
  4. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the feedback violet and rostova. I think it's exactly what I needed to hear. You're both right.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.