My best-case scenario: the happy gimp

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by 7426, Feb 7, 2011.

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  1. 7426

    7426 Member

    Hi, let me try my hand at this...

    I'm a 27 year old male. My hell started when I was 15 when I started to develop really bad acne. It reached a peak around 20-21 and has improved since then, although it still remains. The acne has left numerous scars, the kind that are red/brownish and raised. I had some of them surgically removed, but was of course left with surgical scars instead.

    I'm still getting acne and more scars. Interestingly, my face is almost clear so it's hard for someone else to know that I have any acne. It's my secret to the world. I always wear long sleeves and the last 11-12 summers I have spent indoors, alone. People must think I am just really strange, because I have a good body yet I never go to the beach.

    I really cannot cope with acne, I think it looks terrible and just sickly and unsightly. I almost never show myself without clothes to anyone. I've never had a relationship, but I desperately long for one. Never been a chick magnet, but I could've had a girlfriend but I turned down or never pursued girls because of body acne. Case in point: there's a girl at the gym right now that is clearly interested in me. She is really pretty and seems to have her life together, but I don't pursue her because my skin is so bad. And I guess she's not gonna wait around either...

    I lost my virginity to a prostitute. I've had very little sex -- it's expensive to pay for -- and only with hookers.

    Other consequences of my acne, apart from my non-existant love life, would be that I have to be on a very restrictive diet else my skin gets worse. I have to eat a low-carb diet, with additional restrictions. It helps, but it doesn't take me all the way to clear skin.

    This diet made it hard/impossible/took the fun out of travelling. But then again, where would I travel? Going on sun vaccations is out of the question for me, as explained above. Eating is also, to me, one of the joys in life and now I can only eat a diet I dislike...

    At around 21, I started losing hair like crazy. I am now almost bald. As if acne wasn't enough, I am now the victim of TWO disfiguring diseases. I really don't think I have a head shape for being bald; my forehead is too high and my face lost it's proportion and symmetry now that my hairline is gone. When I wear a baseball cap, it "cuts off" my face right where my hairline used to be, so then I still look good. But without it? No.

    Worst part about losing my hair, though, is that I have acne scars on my head that were previously masked by the hair. Raised, red or white, permanent scars in the back of my head that are making me really self-conscious. Nothing that can be done to improve those either.

    The damage has now been cemented. Due to the scars, I'll never regain my appearance. ALso, the worst part is that they look so WEIRD. Acne on the scalp? Acne scars on the head? It's more accepted to have scars in the face, to be honest.

    There was a time when I thought things were gonna resolve. That I could cure acne and maybe even hair loss. Now I'm not so sure anymore. I'm not here to discuss treatments right now though.

    This has been like a wet blanket on my life for 12 years and my results have been suffering. I have barely any motivation to do anything. I desperately need money. I never had a job, but a little home-based business that earned me a decent income for a few years until it collapsed. When it died, I didn't have the motivation to start it up again due to my life being so bad and feeling so isolated and depressed.

    Since then, I've been living on my own savings, but those are gone in a few short months. I never had a job, no driver's license, no formal education. Got no contacts; as I said I'm socially isolated.

    I have trouble meeting new friends. I got some weird behaviours, like always wearing a baseball cap. This is clearly a low-confidence behaviour, but I use the cap to cover up the scars on my head, not so much the hair loss.

    There are other problems too in my life, some of them pretty bad as well. But what bothers me most is that I am now permanently disfigured, and feel bitter due to everything I have missed out on. I am 27 with the life experience of a 17 y.o. AT MOST. I feel very pathetic.

    While people my age are getting married or raising kids, I haven't even had a GF. It feels like a false start in a 100 meter sprint, yet no one is calling it off and I'm left at the starting line.

    I don't know what to do anymore. Even if the acne does leave eventually, my best case scenario is to be a happy gimp. I don't want to be that person. I want to be the happy normal guy. It feels like I have been treated really unfairly by life and I don't want to live under these circumstances. Is that so strange?

    Thanks for reading.
     
  2. lachrymose27

    lachrymose27 Well-Known Member

    Acne on scalp isn't as strange as you think it is. Everybody has them.

    Everyone has problems that can be hard to deal with in life. You have acne, others have weight and height problems and physical limitations.

    Seems like your confidence and motivation has been broken. You may need to go through therapy for this. Ever tried going outside without your cap on?

    Not all people your age are getting married and having children. I have a friend who is 30 and is without a girlfriend or employment.

    There are members on this forum who are over 30 and are in pretty much the same boat. I am 26 and i am getting there.

    It can be really difficult almost impossible for people who have low self-esteem to get better. In the end, it really depends on how your mind operates, how you think of it and how you want to think of it. Do you want to get better? Then stop undermining yourself and stop comparing yourself to others, just be your own. (Or if you can afford surgery, by all means go for it)

    Talk to the girl from the Gym. Don't let your insecurities get to you. If you've succeeded in talking with her then you're on your way to overcoming your demons. Maybe if things work out, you can get a little more intimate with her and tell her about your personal problems. Maybe she will accept them, maybe she won't. There are other opportunities to meet a woman.

    goodluck with your endeavor
     
  3. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF,

    couple questions,

    What do you see as a normal life? Why not give the girl checking you out a chance? What kind of work do you do?

    Remeber when your parents told you that you would grow out of acne, what a lie they told us. I also have scars maybe not to your extreme but enough that it causes me low self esteem. I also have crooked teeth that are yellow from years of smoking.

    If you hide yourself, then nobody will be able to meet YOU, and there are tons of people that need friends/partners that will not care what you look like as long as you have confidence in yourself.

    As for the balding, well my H is 35 and almost completely bald up top, started at a young age to. It doesnt bother me, cause I love him not what he looks like and unfortunately we all get older, believe me I would love to have my 17 year old body, but nope got a 33 year old body that looks like 40's or older naked, damn kids, lol.

    You seem like a smart person, esp since youve been supporting yourself on a self made business, give yourself a break, dont be so hard on yourself.

    I hope you continue to reach out to people, and give that girl a chance, you never know, dont let that oppurtunity pass you up.
     
  4. 7426

    7426 Member

    Thanks for your replies.

    I don't have any energy anymore to pick myself up. I think of suicide all the time. I have bad acne on the legs, and arms too, and scars everywhere. I can't eat anything, because everything aggravates it. I am confined to a diet of meat, fish, eggs, poultry, vegetables and fat/oils. I hate this fucking diet.

    I seriously don't know what to do anymore. I have a terrible day. There is just no fucking way in my mind that I can show my body to a girl, or a guy for that matter (not that I'm bi or gay). I just hide my body from everyone.

    I have tried so many things. Nothing really works. Well, a lot of things have worked a bit, but never got me all the way to normal skin.

    I know how to make my skin much worse. That's easy. I can just binge on high GI foods or, rather, high Insulin Index foods. But even if I stay with very low II foods, my skin is still bad. Just not AS bad. It feels like I'm paying the full price but not getting the full benefit.

    I know I need a social life and a girlfriend. Most days, though, I can't even bring myself to go out without a cap, which I hate. I love the days when my scars and acne are better on my scalp, I always go without a cap then. But it's really rare.

    I also don't have any money for a social life. I never had a job. I just supported myself on my so called "internet business". I'm trying to start that up again, but I don't have any motivation. Literally. I maybe average less than 10 hours of work per week on it, which is insufficient to say the least. It takes an enormous effort to get it going again.

    Ah, forget about it....
     
  5. lachrymose27

    lachrymose27 Well-Known Member

    what internet business? care to share? :D
     
  6. 7426

    7426 Member

    lachrymose27,

    I did affiliate marketing for 3½ years. Clickbank + PPC basically. Currently living off of the money I saved during those years. I never earned that much, it's just that I didn't spend so much either. But I guess I was doing alright anyway. Working 10-15 hours per week, making a normal income. Not too bad.

    Currently trying to get my own ebook off the ground. Sold 3 copies so far ;) I just got zero motivation for making money, so I don't work. My spirit is crushed. I feel like nothing matters except getting rid of acne.

    Interested in internet marketing?
     
  7. Chrizzz

    Chrizzz New Member

    I read a good chunk of your description of your problems.

    As soon as I got an understanding of essentially why you feel so bad I just thought shit, I am so upset to know that there are other people in the world who feel awful all the time, who feel trapped or prevented from living the life which they really want to live.

    The only thing I can say is that what I am suffering from actually categoricaly prevents me from having a relationship with a girl. I identify with your pain, because you know what you want to do, but you lack the confidence to do it.

    My advice is going to be honest, not sugar-coated.

    People are easily swayed by a person's physical appearance and that will never change.

    However, a person's personality is very very important - think of a beautiful model who has no personality, no sense of humour, just pure physical beauty.

    Now yes, they do look amazing, but there's more to life than just looks.

    Personality counts a lot too.

    Why don't you adopt a set of rules for dating women?

    I will be confident enough in my goodness as a person

    I will be supremely confident because I see that there is more to me than just my acne.

    I only want a person who can value me for who I am

    I am confident with who I am

    I can be a good lover and give a woman great pleausure



    Now I am not saying it will be easy, but you know what is to stop you from getting laid? Most sexual encounters occur in the dark of some bedroom anyway, so then no person sees your acne.

    But the main point is that even if they do see your acne, you are a person who is worth a lot for who you are. Anyone who can't appreciate you for who you are - well they are not worth knowing.

    Please don't let this upset you - you are able to go out on a night out, pull a hot chick and get her laid - just do it - you can always think about it after it's done.

    Just try to be strong - go out there - and do it

    I wish you great success


    Take care

    :hamster:
     
  8. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    I can't remember if you've ever tried medication for your skin, have you given that a go yet? I'm currently on something for my acne, and it has worked a bit(once this lot of pills runs out I'm gonna see if the doc can get me on something that's stronger :tongue:).
     
  9. warrabinda

    warrabinda Well-Known Member

    hey
    firstly: acne or no acne, i wish i could hug you because your story brought me pretty close to tears.
    secondly: have you seen a dermatologist?
    thirdly: i also have acne on my body in a horrible place for a female. i was nearly not going to write that, because it's embarrassing and i have never told anyone. but then i thought wow that's pretty weak of me when you're here baring (bearing?! my english is so bad haha) your soul. i can relate. it's been a huge reason why i haven't had relationships. so i empathise in a way.

    you're not alone.

    i can understand, not that i see it as rational, why it has made you feel unable to initiate relationships. again i said i don't think it's a 'oh well that's obvious' thing, i just get where you're coming from. that said i know a bunch of people with face and body acne who have them [ relationships] i envy their confidence!

    I think if that girl is interested in you, she would've noticed it and is pursuing you anyhow. as another poster has said, people love souls, not skin. you are so much more.

    and you have considerably less baggage, you're a free guy. you're not pinned down! ok maybe you wish you were, but there is a positive.

    so again, dermatologist? what products have you tried?
     
  10. 7426

    7426 Member

    Chrizzz, sorry to hear about your troubles, the little you shared anyway. I think you've given me pretty solid advice. It's just really hard to be this super confident guy that I wasn't to begin with. Now I suddenly need this super personality to attract girls because I got disfigured, and gotta pretend I'm really confident when I'm only self-conscious. But I guess I have to play the cards I have been dealt, right?

    LongRoad95. I never tried any prescription medications. But I know what is wrong with me: insulin resistance. My cells aren't responding (being resistant) to insulin, which causes too much insulin which triggers a chain reaction that leads to acne and hair loss. No doctor has been able to tell me how to improve insulin sensitivity. I discovered a lot of things on my own, which have helped, but I still have a lot of food sensitivities, bad skin and hair loss.

    Warrabinda. Thanks and hug! Sorry to hear about your skin troubles. No I haven't seriously talked to a dermatologist, but as I said, my problem is hormonal: insulin resistance. It causes, in me, a cluster of symptoms including acne, hair loss and food intolerances. As for products I have tried, it has mostly been treatments aimed to restore insulin sensitivity, such as magnesium, diet, exercise etc.
     
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