my best effort to date...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by /dev/null, Oct 11, 2010.

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  1. /dev/null

    /dev/null Active Member

    I actually forced myself to consider living..

    I managed to not only get the wheels turning for the hosp, but I actually managed to be straight with the doctors, and somehow managed to explain my situation etc 1000x better than I could have ever hoped to, in fact that was the first time I've actually managed to say anything really meaningful to a doctor...

    It ended up where they said I would have to give them a vial of blood, and the only way is needles with a vain.. The hospitals before that I've been to would make an exception, but they would not...
    Funny how something nobody else is bothered by overrode my complete conviction to do anything to at least try to fix things one more time...
    I've never been anywhere near that determined, I couldn't believe that was me...
    Hell, I even tried for hours trying to figure out a way to convince myself to let them...
    No good...

    So they said their only option at that point was to let me go, and give me bus passes to get out of olympia, though the buses had already gone, so I had to sit in a bus-stop shelter for the rest of that evening until the bus arrived the next morning in a down-poor as the wind seems to blow all the rain into the shelter when it was blowing...

    Too bad they said it would be contaminated any other way... I've lost a ton today... I've sliced open an artery in my leg twice today, and lost what seems to be at least a quart or two of blood before cauterizing (a couple spare pairs of jeans that I used to tie around it completely soaked and dripping all over when I pick them up)... Oh well, least I tried...

    Time for the wrist... Ha.. I'll bet none of them have the nerve to do this, at least...

    That was my final try...
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You won't let insert a small needle to get blood but you will slice your wrist
    go back to hospital and get help this time stay there okay please
     
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I am so so so sorry that when you finally take the ultimate big step, those that by law should be doing something for you.... DONT!!!! Makes you feel so miniscle!!! So confused!!!! And just down right shitty!!!

    Do you ever think about some of the great inventors of the 18th and 19th centuries? How many times they must of tried before they finally got it right. And how if they gave up after the first botched attempt, we would be without some of our most basic ways of life?

    Bet right now you're feeling exhausted. You put everything into that attempt to scream out "Hey!!!!! Over here!!!!!! Damn it I want to live!!!!!!!!!!!!" Their stupidity is not your fault. So you need to try again. But this time, go straight into the er and say "I want to live and Im not leaving here until one of you people finally hears me right!!!!" Show them the fresh cuts. Tell them how they are only going to progress as the hopelessness of your situation gets heavier. How if they dont want to explain how someone that came to them for help was refused proper care. And then sit in a chair and dont leave until they do what they are rightfully supposed to do!!!!!

    Please dont let the pain win :arms:
     
  4. /dev/null

    /dev/null Active Member

    idk, just woke up n tried to reply here but im too dizzy 2 concentrate very well, ill figure it out when i wake up..
     
  5. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Just glad to see you post!!!! Sleep it off, then get replying. Need to know you're going to be ok :arms:
     
  6. /dev/null

    /dev/null Active Member

    Yea, perfectly fine..
    I'm just gonna take it easy and try to resolve the one thing thats really keeping me from being at peace...
    In a way, they really did help with that, if nothing else..
    I needed to say goodbye to someone to be at peace, and I'd have never been able to do that if I knew I didn't try, or if I was the only party involved..
    This way, I'll be hated, but so will they, and eventually the hate will move almost entirely to them, and not me...
    So I do think I've been given sorta an option for forgiveness for all of this, from someone I've let down before..

    I've just got to rest now and think about how to go about this, to finally be at peace again..
    I think the only way to force yourself to die is if you've reconciled your conflicts one way or another, or had a very, very severe push...
    Last time I tried to do anything, I was unable to force myself to until finding a way to justify it...
    When I tried, I was at complete peace about it, and even a little happy..

    This gives me a way to be like that again, so at least it will be a lot less painful this way, I already know whats coming.
    I've managed to get most things holding me back out of my way already, there's only one left, so I'd say I'm doing pretty good now, which is why I'm not too mad at them. Maybe they saw this in advance, and knew it would be better anyway.

    Though I suppose I am pretty angry with myself for letting something stupid like that stop me.. I just couldn't handle the thought of it.. It's the only fear I never managed to get myself past.. Hell, I used to be terrified of knives and blood...
     
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