My best friend shot herself

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Multiple Man, Nov 12, 2006.

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  1. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    And she may have killed me too. I dont know right now, but she may have killed two birds with one stone because Ive been catapulted into having constant suicidal thoughts. And all Ive been doing is having nightmares about her. I feel partially responsible because I couldnt really find the words to save her, and I was usually dumping all my problems on her too. But I was under the assumption that we helped each other for years and would encourage each other. She was better than me. Beautiful, young, energetic at times, full of life at times, but she was about as bipolar as anyone i knew. She has severe mood swings. She was 7 months pregnant and lost her baby. Couple weeks later her parents found her dead in their home from a self inflicted shotgun wound to the face. I talked with her mom and she told me she was so disfigured they had to give the police a picture of her to identify and confirm the body.

    Her mom has been going around to each of her friends, calling, emailing or writing us blaming that we were a bad influence on her. That somehow we made her sadder and suicidal. One of the most painful things Im trying to deal with is that she wrote something about me in her suicide note and her mom refuse to tell me what is was or let me read it. All her mom tells me is that "it was a nice goodbye, and about 4 lines." But I understand, I cant imagine what she is going through and she has my deepest sympathy.

    I see her in almost every dream. Like reaching out to me, bleeding perfusely, grossly disfigured, asking for help, or crawling towards me. Each dream is worse than the last. Part of me is upset at her for telling me for years to never give up hope, and be strong, and we made a promise to each other that if she didnt give up, I wouldnt. And here she is, she gave up. I dont blame her for escaping misery. I dont think its the coward way out like most do. Actually I think its the most profound decision anyone could ever make, and takes alot of courage to pull that trigger, or whatever other methods there are of committing suicide. I worry though, about where she is now. What is her fate. Maybe my dreams are telling me something. That she ended up somewhere worse because of her action. I can hear her crying. I can see her out of the corner of my eye, day and night. Seems like I see a faint reflection in my car window, or tv, or bathroom mirror, or the bay doors at work. Like a ghost or something. Is she reaching for help, or reaching out to save me. To take me where she is, maybe to place where pain and misery doesnt exist. I dont know. I miss her. I thought she was an angel. She kept me alive. She helped me, and gave me a reason to want to live, even installed hope in me. But now all that has been taken away. I dont have her to lean on anymore. She was everything I admired all the way down to her asian roots, her high morals, and compassion for everyone. She could not have left me at a worse time. She could not have left this world in a worse time. At a time when we need more people like her with such a pure heart and a sweet soul. She gave so much of herself to help others even though she was afflicted.

    I miss you so much. Im so sorry this world is the way it is. So many people loved you. I just want you to be here with me. I could never say this to you in life because I never wanted to breach our friendship, but I was inlove with you. I couldn't help it. How could I not fall for a angel. Maybe if I was a better man you'd still be alive. Maybe if I was handsome enough, or wasnt overweight and ugly, I could have had enough courage to tell you. Given you the love you really wanted instead of the ones that hurt you and ran from their responsibility. Barely 20 years old and had so much to live for. I wish I could read what you said to me in that moment. God why were you left alone. Why didnt you call me or someone, anyone. I guess in life sometimes you misery exceeds your ability to cope. Is it really suicide when the pain is so severe that it kills you. Like a fatal wound that puts you into shock or causes you to bleed to death. The same thing happens to us mentally. You lose your ability to hold on to hope, and sanity, and reality and rationale slips away. And the only thing left is to end the pain.

    I love you JooJoo. Ill never forget you or all the times you made me laugh or smile in my darkest hours. Remember when I told you that life is beautiful sometimes, and tragic sometimes, but its both all the time? Doesnt seem so beautiful without you now. I may join you one day. I hope you dont mind. I never minded when you always pinched me when i made a stupid joke. It made me realize I wasnt dreaming. That someone beautiful and sweet like you, was real. I miss you forever. :(
  2. deathwalking

    deathwalking Well-Known Member

    beautifully written.
  3. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    That is one of the most beautifully written posts I've ever seen. Man, that is quite...whew. :sad:
  4. Multiple Man, do you have a spiritual path or religion ?
    If so, it might be very beneficial to make offerings for your friend right now.

    You mentioned that she is Asian:
    Last edited: Nov 13, 2006
  5. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    No, I dont. No spiritual path, not really religious, but I do believe in God. And she wasnt a buddist. Theres nothing I can offer her in life, im wondering what can be offered to me in death.
  6. immure

    immure Account Closed

    i would suggest u try to clean up ur feelings on the matter so tha if she is trien to reach u u can more clearly hear her for her and not ur tanted version of u. she might be trapped. she might really need u. i shouldn t. just don t dismiss everything for what every would have u there IS more to it then would have everyone. just look at the fruits to disern what u must. i pay for her soul. may the angels retreive her and carry her delicately home. the matters of things outside this world can not be overroad by disbelief.
  7. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    My my that is very well written. I do not know what else to say. I hope you can find the answer you are looking for.
  8. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am profoundly sorry for your friend's death.:sad: I have no answers or 'cures' for you and how you're feeling now other than to say "I care and I'll help hold you up if you don't feel strong".:smile: Reach out to me/us. Someone is always here and will listen to you or be a shoulder you can cry on.

  9. Luliby

    Luliby Staff Alumni

    I am sorry for your loss. I am very sorry. I understand grief as I have experienced it in many ways.. just this last week I found out a friend of mine passed away. ::sigh:: Sometimes it feels like death is intentionally standing around me, striking down anyone I love or care about. It makes me afraid to trust, to love, to be friends with anyone.

    Sometimes, when we loose a loved one, our grief is complicated by regrets. Do you deny that you did the best you could at the time? That if she had called you you would have encouraged her to live. That you would have done almost anything to save her? If you could go back in time would you change what happened? ... of course you would.

    you are not repsonsible for her death. you cannot change the past. it's not your fault. her mother, striken with grief, needed sometargets and someone to blame.. it happens. But you are not the reason she died.

    When we loose a loved one we can sometimes be at our most vulnerable. It's as if someone has paved the way for us, holding a torch for us to follow. And our desire to be with them may convince us that we will be reunited in death. There is no such assurance. And, she would want you to live on. She said as much many many times.

    Perhaps there is life on the other side of death, perhaps not. Perhaps things do get better, perhaps not. But what I do know is you are here, living, now. that death is a terrible ripping apart and a trauma to everyone you know.. perhaps even to everyone you will know. your life journey still continues. Who knows what your path will bring you to.. maybe a family. you won't know if you don't hold on. Live your life. We are all certain to die one day, don't be in such a rush. take it one step at a time.

    Again, I am sorry for your loss.
  10. Erika

    Erika Account Closed

    Looking at it spiritually: i think she needs prayers. Im not sure if you've heard about the void? Meaning she might be in a worse place where she needs paryers, she may also be earth bounded. That is of course if you blv in all that.
  11. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    I really dont need this.... Maybe she is in a worse place but I really dont want to think about it. If God is so merciful he would forgive her. Thats the only thing I want and can believe right now.
  12. Dan

    Dan Account Closed

    do you feel guilt over her death?
  13. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Yes, astounding guilt.
  14. Dan

    Dan Account Closed

    are you angry with her?
  15. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    I love her too much to be angry at her now. More angry at myself and the people around her who could have done more. Everyday Im asking myself what if? Im trying my best to understand. But forgiveness isnt going to bring her back.
  16. live

    live Antiquitie's Friend

    Hey, I was wondering if maybe your dreams weren't about her being in a worse place as a wish that you could have stopped this from happening?
    Anyway, my heart goes out to you. I wish you the best. When I read stories like yours, I wonder how my friends would feel if I killed myself, and it slows me down sometimes.
  17. Dan

    Dan Account Closed

    I think if I were in your position I would be angry with her for leaving me behind.
  18. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I believe that God is so merciful, beyond our comprehension, that He understood her pain and forgave her. That's what I believe. I also believe He can offer you solace in your loss. Just talk to Him, tell Him anything you want. I believe He'll understand. Again, I am so very sorry for your loss and your pain. I can only offer you my shoulder and my compassion. I am here for you if you need me.

    love and hugs,

  19. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    live, I can't explain the nightmares. Theyre still quite frequent. I try to take my mind off of her but I cant really. Yes I wish it was something I could do. I wish I could give my life and soul just to ensure she is where she truly belongs. Somewhere happy and peaceful. Im afraid of going to sleep, drifting off, walking towards a door and opening it to see her with half her face gone. Waking up to these panic attacks. Its draining.

    Yeah "live" think about what it takes out of the people who care about you and what it does to them. You dont just kill yourself, your kill parts of yourself that are in other people. And it leaves holes way bigger than bullet wounds.

    Dan, I cant bring myself to be angry. It hurts so bad cos i was inlove with her but she never knew. She left alot of people who loved her immesely behind. Sad, yes. But angry. No. I forgive her. But she made such a careless and foolish mistake on so many levels. There was like a 2-3 week descent she probably went through and noone caught her and pulled her back to reality and hope.

    least, I cant imagine she being anywhere else but heaven(if there is such a place.) I dont think these dreams have any meaning other than to haunt me and make me feel guilty. I can still feel her pinching me. I can still feel her hugging me. Just too young. Too beautiful. And too much to live for.
  20. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Hey you up there in heaven. Im still fighting the good fight. You didnt do me any favors though. Im pretty sure you like where you are now better than being here. Is it everything you thought it would be? Maybe better. I miss you. I might even join you soon. Oh, no missy, youve lost your option and ability to tell me to live and be strong. And no im not stronger than you so you cant play that card. You know I always imagined if you did do it, you'd take pills or slit your wrist, but you went all out huh? Once you pulled the trigger there was no coming back. No waking up in a hospital getting your stomach pumped or your wrists wrapped. Im sorry. Where do I go from here. Oh, I guess I can tell you this now. I love you... No. Not just as friends. I mean, really, um....I love you.
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