And she may have killed me too. I dont know right now, but she may have killed two birds with one stone because Ive been catapulted into having constant suicidal thoughts. And all Ive been doing is having nightmares about her. I feel partially responsible because I couldnt really find the words to save her, and I was usually dumping all my problems on her too. But I was under the assumption that we helped each other for years and would encourage each other. She was better than me. Beautiful, young, energetic at times, full of life at times, but she was about as bipolar as anyone i knew. She has severe mood swings. She was 7 months pregnant and lost her baby. Couple weeks later her parents found her dead in their home from a self inflicted shotgun wound to the face. I talked with her mom and she told me she was so disfigured they had to give the police a picture of her to identify and confirm the body. Her mom has been going around to each of her friends, calling, emailing or writing us blaming that we were a bad influence on her. That somehow we made her sadder and suicidal. One of the most painful things Im trying to deal with is that she wrote something about me in her suicide note and her mom refuse to tell me what is was or let me read it. All her mom tells me is that "it was a nice goodbye, and about 4 lines." But I understand, I cant imagine what she is going through and she has my deepest sympathy. I see her in almost every dream. Like reaching out to me, bleeding perfusely, grossly disfigured, asking for help, or crawling towards me. Each dream is worse than the last. Part of me is upset at her for telling me for years to never give up hope, and be strong, and we made a promise to each other that if she didnt give up, I wouldnt. And here she is, she gave up. I dont blame her for escaping misery. I dont think its the coward way out like most do. Actually I think its the most profound decision anyone could ever make, and takes alot of courage to pull that trigger, or whatever other methods there are of committing suicide. I worry though, about where she is now. What is her fate. Maybe my dreams are telling me something. That she ended up somewhere worse because of her action. I can hear her crying. I can see her out of the corner of my eye, day and night. Seems like I see a faint reflection in my car window, or tv, or bathroom mirror, or the bay doors at work. Like a ghost or something. Is she reaching for help, or reaching out to save me. To take me where she is, maybe to place where pain and misery doesnt exist. I dont know. I miss her. I thought she was an angel. She kept me alive. She helped me, and gave me a reason to want to live, even installed hope in me. But now all that has been taken away. I dont have her to lean on anymore. She was everything I admired all the way down to her asian roots, her high morals, and compassion for everyone. She could not have left me at a worse time. She could not have left this world in a worse time. At a time when we need more people like her with such a pure heart and a sweet soul. She gave so much of herself to help others even though she was afflicted. I miss you so much. Im so sorry this world is the way it is. So many people loved you. I just want you to be here with me. I could never say this to you in life because I never wanted to breach our friendship, but I was inlove with you. I couldn't help it. How could I not fall for a angel. Maybe if I was a better man you'd still be alive. Maybe if I was handsome enough, or wasnt overweight and ugly, I could have had enough courage to tell you. Given you the love you really wanted instead of the ones that hurt you and ran from their responsibility. Barely 20 years old and had so much to live for. I wish I could read what you said to me in that moment. God why were you left alone. Why didnt you call me or someone, anyone. I guess in life sometimes you misery exceeds your ability to cope. Is it really suicide when the pain is so severe that it kills you. Like a fatal wound that puts you into shock or causes you to bleed to death. The same thing happens to us mentally. You lose your ability to hold on to hope, and sanity, and reality and rationale slips away. And the only thing left is to end the pain. I love you JooJoo. Ill never forget you or all the times you made me laugh or smile in my darkest hours. Remember when I told you that life is beautiful sometimes, and tragic sometimes, but its both all the time? Doesnt seem so beautiful without you now. I may join you one day. I hope you dont mind. I never minded when you always pinched me when i made a stupid joke. It made me realize I wasnt dreaming. That someone beautiful and sweet like you, was real. I miss you forever.