my best friend

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by Theory, Oct 2, 2008.

  1. Theory

    Theory Well-Known Member

    dunno how to start this so, hmm, ok go;

    Ashley was 25, he was my only friend here in alberta (canada), he used to hang out with me and my jerk of a father. he was part of the volunteer fire departement in ardmore ( same as me Im still wondering if i should just quit ) hes the only one who ever understood how i felt. He stoped me from killing myself twice, my ex once. He crashed his UltraLight saturday 13 sept 08, not long ago, in the field next to his fathers he had just taken offf, it was his first testflight. (ok my hands are shaking... im gonna stop for nosw )
     
  2. Oak

    Oak Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    there are no words that can comfort in such situations therefore i will close saying that my heart is out to you and understand how much of a loss it is.
    please do no quiet the fire dep. you are much needed.

    granny xx
     
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry about you loosing your friend...yrs ago, I lost my best friend and it took a while to understand that he would want me to have a good life, and in his memory, I was able to start back on that road...please accept my condolences and caring, big hugs, J
     
  4. Theory

    Theory Well-Known Member

    Thank you, (takes big breaths) when the incident arrived we could hear it on the scanner at home. It didn’t say who. But it said were and we kinda guessed. It was 1km from were I live. And we weren’t allowed to go there. Bonnyville responded ( they were 22km from there) I watched them go by. Father went to the hall and asked why we weren’t dispatched and he came back and he aid coldly: Ashley crashed his plane, Hes dead’. He went inside and I stood there with the window against a wall ( I was fixing the trim) just stood there for two hours not knowing what to do. I couldn’t let it sink it. Dead. It just didn’t make sense. I was blaming those fucking dispatchers for him. We could of saved him I thought, but no! no ! I hate them!!! Hate them so much. Hate him, hate myself for everything.

    It didn’t make sense and it still doesn’t make sense. I walk to his house and sit on his porch (30 seconds away from my driveway) and cry, just no sounds just tears and cuts. And I just can’t understand this. He was at the meeting two days before it and now… it fucking sucks, life sucks.

    I went to his funeral, 1000+ people. Cold Lake fire, Bonnyville Fire, even Red Deer and Vermillion Fire and us were there! All FD’s stood two lines from the exit and they brought him between us. I couldn't bear it. I didn’t cry I didn’t feel anything. I kept it all inside. Watching. Being a loser. It hurts so much I dunno how to explain this. I just cut and cry and hurt and hate. Then I love less then I could before. I’ve been falling back into darkness over the past weeks. I started weaerng black again. Iring my hair down over my face. Trying to hide. Basically back emo. Fucking sucks! Sorry …

    Doesn’t make any freaking sense.
     
  5. Hurted

    Hurted Well-Known Member

    Im sorry:(

    I can't imagine how hard this was :(

    One big :hug: for you
     
  6. Theory

    Theory Well-Known Member

    I just dunno how to get over thois stupid shit... maybee I could write down a diary...arght! :sad: that's just pointless. I wanted to cut out both wrists yesterday. When i went to do the second one I just kinda went <Well look at the big mess you're gonna' leave behind>.

    And I read Mixedemotions short story in th estory board, that kinda helped also! THANK YOU SM MixedEmotions! :smile:

    I thought well if I die He wouldn't come back. How would mom take it, there must be some kind of love from her, she called me this morning and she was totaly clean so I'm hoping she stays like that. But I know father would just bury me with coldness inside cause he doesn't love me, he hates me. I can see it in his eyes! I have a sister she's in grade, umm damnit, well she's gonna be 11 or 12 (this sucks when i can't even remember her age) oct 5. She lives in quebec with Drunky mom, and i live at the other end of the world over here so far away in Alberta... Awww this sucks.

    Everyone at school hates me, I've beeen bullied ever since grade 4 ffs! I never stood up for myself until this year. Someone had punched me then tried to slam me against my locker, but oooh nooo i wouldn't let him. I pulled out my switchblade (which i sometimes cut myself with) and told him to back the fuck off or he'd get it in his abdomen. Now I feel freaking sorry to have threatened him, it's just stupid.:sad::mad:
     
  7. Hurted

    Hurted Well-Known Member

    I just dunno how to get over thois stupid shit... maybee I could write down a diary...arght! :sad: that's just pointless. I wanted to cut out both wrists yesterday. When i went to do the second one I just kinda went <Well look at the big mess you're gonna' leave behind>.





    Dont do it, please:hug:
    You can PM me.
    And diary could be helpfull!







    And I read Mixedemotions short story in th estory board, that kinda helped also! THANK YOU SM MixedEmotions! :smile:

    I thought well if I die He wouldn't come back. How would mom take it, there must be some kind of love from her, she called me this morning and she was totaly clean so I'm hoping she stays like that. But I know father would just bury me with coldness inside cause he doesn't love me, he hates me. I can see it in his eyes! I have a sister she's in grade, umm damnit, well she's gonna be 11 or 12 (this sucks when i can't even remember her age) oct 5. She lives in quebec with Drunky mom, and i live at the other end of the world over here so far away in Alberta... Awww this sucks.



    Im sorry fot this.
    I hope that things get well soon.




    Everyone at school hates me, I've beeen bullied ever since grade 4 ffs! I never stood up for myself until this year. Someone had punched me then tried to slam me against my locker, but oooh nooo i wouldn't let him. I pulled out my switchblade (which i sometimes cut myself with) and told him to back the fuck off or he'd get it in his abdomen. Now I feel freaking sorry to have threatened him, it's just stupid.:sad::mad:


    It's not stupid, is good!
    Just be carefull that you wont harm anyone! But its great that you dont allow them! I can also relate to you, however, i was mentaly bullied...

    Take care, if you need help, send me some thoughts :hug:
     
  8. Theory

    Theory Well-Known Member

    :mellow: well, (sigh) what do I have to lose? I'll ty diary a bit. but, it'll feel kinda weird...:dry: can't be more f'ed up then this right?:biggrin:
     
  9. Hurted

    Hurted Well-Known Member

    You know what, im gonna start some kind of diary too:)
     
  10. Theory

    Theory Well-Known Member

    coool! that'd be awesome! Express yourself in your own desires buddy! :smile: Thank you for your support :smile:!
     
  11. bluet

    bluet Member

    I try to wite a diary too and before I knew it all my sadness are gone. Maybe you should try it. You can express your feelings. And dont let this tragedy to ruin you life too. Its the past and in order to honor the memory of your friend, you have to take care of yourself.
     
  12. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I'm so sorry for your loss :hug:
     
  13. Theory

    Theory Well-Known Member

    it's back... the pain, the fucking stinging and emptynest inside. the curving butterfly effect telling me somethings wrong. Dunno much how to explain this... everywhere i look, it reminds me. FUCK! it's dam well unfair. huh? WHY IM? mind to tell me? Am i just some looser fucking cursed with this death spell or what? Can't he just fucking knock on my door and smile whilst saying: <<hey buddy, mind if i drop in for a beer?>> Like fuck !Wish he would, i wouldn't be shocked. But nooooooooooo ooh oh oh! he can't, not in this fucking hellish nightmare of a life. Fuck no. Just gotta live with the freakin gpain inside. Burning sensation overheating my stomach making me wanna puke half the time. Wan alie down and never get back up. Nope! DEAD! fucking D.E.A.D!! damnit! Hate this fucking world. HATE IT ALL! HATE HATE HATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    sorry.
     
  14. KDXer

    KDXer Member

    I feel your pain buddy. I lost my best mate in a horrific accident not all that long ago also. It fucking hurts more than words can describe. I can only say I know how you are feeling my friend and I just try to think that they wouldn't want us to be feeling this pain and try to think of the fun times.

    Try and be strong buddy...

    Trev...