tl;dr. i haven't posted here in awhile and if i had've maybe none of this would've gotten so bad... my bf broke up with me last night after a few days of serious ups and downs. i've been having a really difficult time the past few months and did some things to hurt his trust because of my depression clouding my judgement. i've started therapy to try and help me cope better with my problems and i have been making progress but not fast enough i guess.* we had a few fights which resulted in me losing control, feeling suicidal and self-harming. we tried to fix things but it wasn't working and it culminated in a huge blow up the night before last.* when we finally got to talking about it he told me that he doesn't think i should live here anymore and that he needs to just be my friend because what's going in is not fair to either of us and we need to work on ourselves. he says he will still support me and we will see one another, that he still believes in a future with me somewhat, but he can't make me any promises or commitments right now.* i know he is right that we need to work on ourselves and i should definitely move back in with my grandma but i'm having a very hard time with the "just friends" aspect of the whole thing. i've been told this before by exes who promised they would be there for me as a friend if i needed it and then end up pulling away because their ultimate issue is not wanting to deal with my depression. he's told me that if i truly love him i won't think this way because i know that it will be better in the long run, but i do love him to the best of my abilities and i don't know that anything will get better. i want to believe it but my mind doesn't fully let me. i have no real support system except my family and one friend and my anxiety makes it very difficult for me to reach out for help. i need people who will be there for me always, through ups and downs,*to help me build my self-esteem. i feel like my bf is abandoning me, and i know he's telling me otherwise, but it's making my depression worse and i already find it difficult to be motivated to help myself.* i'm not trying to place pressure on him and i definitely am going to take a step back but i feel like if he really cared he would understand how terrified i am of this setting me back or causing me to do something stupid because my frame of mind is now extra messed up. i don't care enough about myself most of the time to do what i need to do and right now i need the motivation of outside things to help until i can build my self-esteem to a point where i feel i deserve for things to get better. i don't have much in my life that makes me feel happiness and i need to find those things but right now himself as a person and being loved by him is definitely one of them.* this is just proving to me that i can't be close to anyone, and that no matter what i do, people are always going to run away because i drag them down with me. why would i want to reach out to anyone else? why should i keep talking to him about anything? why should i bother trying to fix anything, i already don't want to try and live and life keeps showing me more and more that i don't. i'm just so incredibly lost right now .