my bf broke up with me because he can't deal with me

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by selly, Oct 9, 2013.

  1. selly

    selly Active Member

    tl;dr. i haven't posted here in awhile and if i had've maybe none of this would've gotten so bad...

    my bf broke up with me last night after a few days of serious ups and downs. i've been having a really difficult time the past few months and did some things to hurt his trust because of my depression clouding my judgement. i've started therapy to try and help me cope better with my problems and i have been making progress but not fast enough i guess.*

    we had a few fights which resulted in me losing control, feeling suicidal and self-harming. we tried to fix things but it wasn't working and it culminated in a huge blow up the night before last.*

    when we finally got to talking about it he told me that he doesn't think i should live here anymore and that he needs to just be my friend because what's going in is not fair to either of us and we need to work on ourselves. he says he will still support me and we will see one another, that he still believes in a future with me somewhat, but he can't make me any promises or commitments right now.*

    i know he is right that we need to work on ourselves and i should definitely move back in with my grandma but i'm having a very hard time with the "just friends" aspect of the whole thing. i've been told this before by exes who promised they would be there for me as a friend if i needed it and then end up pulling away because their ultimate issue is not wanting to deal with my depression. he's told me that if i truly love him i won't think this way because i know that it will be better in the long run, but i do love him to the best of my abilities and i don't know that anything will get better. i want to believe it but my mind doesn't fully let me.

    i have no real support system except my family and one friend and my anxiety makes it very difficult for me to reach out for help. i need people who will be there for me always, through ups and downs,*to help me build my self-esteem. i feel like my bf is abandoning me, and i know he's telling me otherwise, but it's making my depression worse and i already find it difficult to be motivated to help myself.*

    i'm not trying to place pressure on him and i definitely am going to take a step back but i feel like if he really cared he would understand how terrified i am of this setting me back or causing me to do something stupid because my frame of mind is now extra messed up. i don't care enough about myself most of the time to do what i need to do and right now i need the motivation of outside things to help until i can build my self-esteem to a point where i feel i deserve for things to get better. i don't have much in my life that makes me feel happiness and i need to find those things but right now himself as a person and being loved by him is definitely one of them.*

    this is just proving to me that i can't be close to anyone, and that no matter what i do, people are always going to run away because i drag them down with me. why would i want to reach out to anyone else? why should i keep talking to him about anything? why should i bother trying to fix anything, i already don't want to try and live and life keeps showing me more and more that i don't.

    i'm just so incredibly lost right now .
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 9, 2013
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    He is right hun i know you don't want to hear that but you need to put all your energy into getting YOU more stable He cannot do that for you and he may feel lost too not being able to help you. Use your doctor ok use your therapist and get strong first show him that you can do the work to get yourself to the point you do not have to be dependent on anyone
  3. selly

    selly Active Member

    i know he is right, i just don't know how i am going to find the self-worth and strength to do what i need to do to help myself without his help to remind me that there are reasons for me to keep going. as i said, there are not many other people i have to do so.

    i feel as if i still have failed even when i have tried and being broken up with when i just started going to therapy feels like i'm failing again even though i'm doing my best that i can right now. i can't afford to pay for a therapist at the moment so i can only go when free appointments are available and i just want some sort of reward i guess for what i'm doing which is supposed to be feeling better about myself but what i've done to better myself has instead has turned into me feeling way worse.
  4. lulumoon

    lulumoon Active Member

    Hi sorry to hear you are going through this. I am in a similar situation I have severe depression. Last week my bf of 7 years ended our relationship. I then discovered he has been seeing someone else for the last year. I am devestaed. I know you dont want to hear it gets better with time because it really hurts right now. I am in the right now too. I have lost my confidencey self worth and I feel suicidal. Each day I wake up I remember how much pain I am in. I don't know if I can csrey on. If u want to chat u xan always pm me.
  5. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Selly - it might be an idea to take the advice on board. Concentrate on yourself more - using the support system here of peers who understand various aspects and also if you can possible get a chance - talk it over with the one friend you say you have.

    lulumoon - my advice to you would be to also concentrate on yourself - the ex-bf of yours sounds like someone that you don't need in your life. Grief is ok - it's not a crime. Yet only you can truly turn your life back in time.

    For both of you - it is not an easy road back to some sense of reality, but it is achievable if you are willing to take the steps you need to in order to give it another try. There's a good old-fashioned saying that is useful for life - If at first you don't succeed, try, try, and try again. Life will always end with death, so maybe try looking at this as the start of a new chapter. The only way is up when you're at the bottom, so take it one hour/day at a time - but each passing hour/day will bring the chance of new challenges. Best of luck if you do decide to give life another try :)
  6. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    If he can't be there for you and support you through whatever you're going through, then he's not worth you caring about him. Someone who truly loves you wouldn't back out on you because of your mental illnesses, especially if you're trying to get help for them, and you deserve someone like that.