My big brother...

Discussion in 'Domestic Abuse' started by Morbid, Jan 13, 2008.

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  1. Morbid

    Morbid New Member

    It all started almost four years ago, my big brother started to treat me badly but at a tolerable level – he only insulted me a bit and ignored me. It progressed but it became far worse after the death of our father. For you see, I was my dad’s favourite and my brother was ignored. My brother channelled his anger after our dad on me. It turned from the odd verbal abuse and shoving to frequent physical attacks (left minor bruises and marks but he didn’t use his full strength) and constant verbal abuse and treating me below an animal.

    This has been going on for one and a half years. I’ve complained to my mother, but she can’t control him. I pleaded my brother to be nicer to me and constantly tried to explain how I feel but the jerk thinks his behaviour is justified for me being ‘weird’ and ‘fat’ and for just for generally deserving it. I complained to teachers, after complaining for four months and writing a diary of his actions – the school sent social services around to talk to my brother.

    That only stopped him from suffocating me and punching me hard, but he still hits me with bottles, kicks or drops shoes at me, pushes me, blocks my way to anywhere in the house, bursts into my bedroom and refuses to leave, searches through my stuff, hits me with his ‘pimp cane’, pokes at my rolls of fat, slaps me rarely, yells at me, puts me down every sentence he talks to me, spreads rumours, unplugs my internet connection, locks me in the bathroom, bursts in the bathroom when I’m in *when mum is out*, he’s hit me twice with a belt, steals my food from Christmas stockings, insults my friends, always argues, thinks he’s always right, admires Adolf Hitler and Hannibal Lecter *I am being serious*, insults and makes me apologise for my flaws like ‘being a man’ *I am a girl, btw* ‘Being a fat b****’, ‘Being a coward’ and ‘being socially inept and retarded’. This has gone a bit off-topic in a way, I shouldn’t have mentioned Hilter and Lecter.

    But I’m stuck at the moment, nothing is stopping my brother. I’m stuck in this house constantly being bullied and it won’t stop. Yeah, sure it flares and rests but it is always there. I’ve been considering suicide and running away but I know I’m too much of a coward to do it. But I don’t want to go into care, because it’s my aspiration to become a Medical Researcher – you get kicked out of care in England at age 17. You have to A-levels before you go to university and you do A-levels at college from 16-18 but to do a-levels after being kicked out of care; you have to live in a bedsit working part-time to pay for a damp room in dank conditions.

    Relatives won’t take me. Let’s call one my aunts Wendy, she is too poor to look after me as she’s taking her son through a law-conversion degree. Let’s call another of my aunties Catherine, she lives in the south and is a toxic wife (please google the term if you don’t know what it means, you don’t have to though) she wouldn’t take another child on as she is so selfish. My mum’s side completely ignores her, partly because they are just mean and also my mum is severely bipolar.

    I pity the person who has to read these 573 words.

    Shortened Version:

    1.) My 15 year old brother (I am a fourteen year old girl) bullies me constantly – he throws things at me, hits me with bottles and his ‘pimp cane’, blocks my way whenever I go past him, constantly puts me down for everything about me, spreads rumours, insults my ‘friends’, unplugs my internet connection when I don’t placate him, pushes me against walls when he feels like it, argues all the time, pushes the bathroom wall so hard it crumbles when I’m having a bath (He hates the noise I make in the bath which is actually small), slaps and insults me when I snack and steals and searches through my stuff.

    2.) He is out of control, social services nor my mum can sort him out.

    3.) I don’t want to go to care.

    4.) Care, suicide, putting up with the bullying, or running away are my only options. No relatives would take me on.

    5.) I am so desperate now, the bullying is becoming unbearable – I know it’s weak but I’m a weak person who can’t handle stress and takes things personally. I am a whiny cow.
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Sorry to hear about your mean and nasty brother morbid. He should be treating you nicely like an older brother should. I don't know what you can really do in this situation. Maybe file a complaint against him? He's treating you like his abused girlfriend.
  3. Panther

    Panther Well-Known Member

    he sounds like a nasty bit of work, how much have social services actually tried to do? If you live anywhere near Leeds send him my way..well kidding there but if you want me to try and give social services a kick up the arse, then I will.

    calling yourself weak and a whiny cow in this situation is not right and not true.

    LILICHIPIE Well-Known Member

    First of all, that must be SOOO hard, I do feel for you.
    this way of behaving is no way acceptable and you dont have to feel wrong about it. Pardon me, but he sounds like a psycho person to me, this is NO WAY normal to treat somebody like that, especially if hes your subling ( sorry to be harsh but i was pretty stuck at ur description)

    wheres your dad in all of this? i know your bro is jealous of you becase of ur dad affection, BUT its your dad job to protect you and to educate his kids.
    talk to him. i know sounds scary because hes the cause of the bully, but thats NOT acceptable

    Id defenitely talk to a counsellor at school that could be a mediator betweeen ur dad and you. she could talk to him, if u dont feel at ease.

    in anyway, dont do anhything. wont solve this problem. talk to us!
    and Welcome to SF btw, we re here to listen. I hope you ll find great help in your journey
  5. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    Morbid -

    Have you ever tried calling the police? I know it sounds extreme but I don't know what else to tell you.
  6. Falcon0006

    Falcon0006 Well-Known Member

    Calling the police is the action I'd take, I too had a horrible brother, who would constantley degrade me but I never took the full action. Now he's better, but im worse because of it, and I've never really grown up from it. You shouldn't have to deal with it, and you know you'd be better of without him, so what's the harm in doing anything to get rid of him. He needs to somehow see the error of his ways.

    My brother now socially blames me for his past problems, as he say's I let him get out of control..
  7. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your brother needs to learn, the hard way, if possible, that he cannot abuse and bully you. It's against the law. If he were to treat a stranger on the street the way he's treating you he'd be arrested for assault. I'd get the law on your side, pronto!
  8. Asari Attar

    Asari Attar Active Member

    Your brother's behavior is completely inappropriate. I don't care what his relation to you is. The fact that he is your brother makes it that much worse. If social service is doing nothing get the police involved.

    A few things you might want to do:
    If he's leaving visible marks take pictures.
    Continue the journal if you've stopped it.
    Make sure other people know what's going on.

    Also don't give up. If you give up he's won. Keep at it until either he learns that is behavior is inappropriate or he's dumb enough to do something in front of someone who will stand by you. He needs help. You need to get a degree, make a life for yourself, and be able to enjoy those moments of true happiness that come so rarely but are so precious when they do.

    :hug: :hug: :hug:
  9. Crying All Time

    Crying All Time Well-Known Member

    Try to go to your aunt Wendy. Help her with money, you could maybe do some minor work at weekends to help her get by, I think she will let you be with her if you talked to her nicely and tell her whats going on. You should try. If it doens't work, we will find another solution. But please don't think about suicide. I tried to kill myself 3 times and you can't imagine pain that I have but I'm still struggling even though I don't have any reason to live.Take care
  10. weegee

    weegee Active Member

    social services are horible in england. but if you keep at them(pester them daily) you will get a responce that you can live with.
  11. Moosey

    Moosey Member

    You've been taking this on for a long time, and you know what? You've done really well, kept a good head on your shoulders, and you haven't forgotten your dreams or given up on them! Strength right there if ever I have seen strength, and I have.

    It is also a very strong thing to talk about this, even on an anonymous level; folks going through this kind of thing either don't talk about it or rationalize the behavior of the abuser. You are doing neither, it is equally commendable and admirable that you address this as you do.

    Before attempting anything, you decided to reach out again. Not being the first time, this again demonstrates a great strength inside of you.

    I have read every single word of your post here, and I have seen no weakness of any kind at any point.

    If you maintain this, and I know you can, you will no doubt beat this.

    In life, we are not given tests we cannot pass.

    Please don't forget how well you have handled this thus far, and continue to handle it.

    It is not the least bit in question whether or not your brother's actions are appropriate, it is not even a question of whether anything should be done. It is a fact that it should be changed, it is a fact that it is all inappropriate.

    The only coward though, is the one targeting only those he feels to be weaker than himself.

    While you fight someone you feel stronger than yourself, don't give up. Please don't give up. If you want to talk more, feel free to send me a PM.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 18, 2008
  12. Melmoth the Wanderer

    Melmoth the Wanderer Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear the adults in your life aren't doing much in this situation. I'm proud of you for telling them. Even though they let you down, you did the right thing.

    Don't blame yourself for what your brother is doing. His jealousy is his problem, not yours. He's using you to make himself feel more adequate and important. He feels powerful when he makes you suffer. He needs to see a therapist to learn to deal with his emotions, but I don't want you to worry about him right now. Right now, the most important thing is for you to end or alleviate this situation.

    First, know that you don't deserve to be treated like this. You're a good person who has as much claim to life as anyone else. I felt such sorrow when you called yourself a "whiney cow." I myself am overweight, but I've learned to see the beauty and strength of my body. It's hard when everyone on TV and in magazines is wafer-thin, but when I tried it, it was unpleasant at best (eg: I almost fainted in public a few times; I thought about food 24/7; I was hungry 24/7; etc). Besides, cows are beautiful creatures who never bother anyone. They provide us with a myriad of products while needing very little in return. Manatees are called "sea cows", and they're many people's (and my) favorite animal. If your brother ever calls you a cow again, he's inadvertently complimenting you. :smile:

    Sorry to babble on. I'll try to be a bit more succinct from now on. I'll put the rest of this in list form to make it shorter.

    1.) Avoid hitting your brother back, even if he deserves it. My older sister and I fought physically and verbally for much of our childhoods, but it only made things worse.
    2.) If you feel safe enough and are up to it, firmly and calmly tell him "Stop it" every time he starts to abuse you, then leave the room or ignore him. I've done this myself and had it done to me, and it works (sometimes it takes a while, but it does).
    3.) So that you won't have to be alone with your brother, find something you're interested in and join an organization or volunteer somewhere. If you know of a place you like to be, plan to go there when your brother is giving you a hard time. For example, during my high school years (between the ages of 14 and 18), I spent every Saturday at the public library or at a Goodwill-type store as a volunteer. I did this in order to avoid my father's raging tantrums as he cleaned the house (he obviously hated cleaning, but he did it every week anyway. My mother and sister went out on Saturdays, so I was left alone with him). Although this was only one day a week, I was amazed at how much better I felt overall.
    4.) You might also consider taking self-defense classes. I took boxing and martial arts for a few years, and I found that I could stand up for myself more often because I could physically fight back if need be. I pretty much made an ass out of myself the whole time I went to these classes, but no one really noticed because they were too concentrated on the exercises or their own mistakes.

    PM me if you ever want to talk, and make sure to let us know how you're doing. :hug:
  13. aurorita_1788

    aurorita_1788 Well-Known Member

    YOU ARE NOT A WHINY COW. I have to deal almost the same issue with my brother. He did pinch me and left me a black eye (they had to make me an x ray of the skull, but they didn't. you should press charges against him. I know, you deep down you love him, because he's your brother and you understand that he's hurt because of your dad passed away. NOBODY has the right to hurt you, tough. I give you that advice, because I went trough the same thing myself. I hope you understand that you're a strong, brave girl. I adrmire you, and I hope you have everything you deserve in life, wich is being very happy.
  14. jjillylilly

    jjillylilly New Member

    I had two like him. One's in prison now, for murder. The other calls me "Satans Daughter". I'm old now, away from both of them but there are scars of all kinds.
    I don't know the number for the Hotline in your area but if you got on the phone now (at a friends house might be better) you could probably find it. Try asking for a "Womans Shelter" or "domestic Abuse hotline"...maybe rape/abuse one too. When you get someone don't sugar coat it or try to protect him.
    Please, care enough about yourself to protect yourself. Do you have friends with understanding parents, a school counselor or a good teacher?
    I shouldn't really be giving you specific advice but I'm worried. Please find a way to FIGHT, not directly maybe but by protecting yourself.

    P.S. "Whiny Cow" indeed. Even worse than "Satans Daughter". HE calls you that, right? Shit. I may have to go to the 'rant" section now.
  15. SmilePretty

    SmilePretty Staff Alumni

    this is basically the same exact situation for me right now except for the social services thing. my brother threw a glass plate at me a few weeks ago and now i have a hairline fracture on my elbow.
  16. silver_mist343

    silver_mist343 Well-Known Member

    sry but just wanted to say that morbid mentioned the death of her father somewhere in her message
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