My biggest fear

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by thepainwithin, Feb 27, 2011.

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  1. thepainwithin

    thepainwithin Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry it's long. But I just need some place to write. Anyway, read or don't. If you do, thanks for listening. It means more than you know.

    My biggest fear is the police. Even when I am not doing anything wrong, or even when I get pulled over for a 6 over and I know it's a petty little traffic ticket that I'm probably going to get out of. Every single time I see flashing lights behind me, pulling someone over or even on TV my heart drops (and when it's on TV I have to change the channel, it is so hard for me to watch cop dramas and I absolutely refuse to watch Cops).

    I admit I have been arrested for marijuana. I was depressed and suicidal before the arrest but going through the system and the way I was treated in it was the icing on the cake. The first time I had ever encountered a cop we were smoking and driving. I freely admitted everything in the car was mine so my friend couldn't get in trouble. He admitted to the alcohol because it was on his breath and the cop said I wouldn't get an MIP since he admitted to it. When I was taken to the station for booking the officer told me I had 2 options, I could either give a blood sample or I could refuse and it would get me 8 points on my license. I didn't want to lose my license so I consented, after all I was being cooperative and not putting up a fight or arguing so I figured the cop would go easy on me. And not to mention I have a deathly fear of needles from past blood drawls that went wrong ("oh sorry I can't seem to find the vein, I'm going to have to make another puncture" etc..). Oh and I also got the MIP which the cop said I wouldn't get.

    Boy was I wrong. 2 weeks later I get a letter in the mail that my license has been suspended because I have 8+ points (2 from a wreck, 1 from a ticket and 8 from the arrest which the cop said wouldn't be going on my license). This was where it started... I thought cops were on our side, but they lied to an otherwise law abiding citizen just to get a conviction, they absolutely lied to me. Then I go to court and the system makes me feel even worse about myself... the judge who sentenced me looked me square in the eyes and said "son if you continue to smoke weed you will be nothing more than a heroin addict on the street looking for nothing but your next hit. Do you want to be a dope fiend? Because that is all you will ever amount to". I thought the judges were supposed to care about us and be supportive and say stuff like I'm giving you probation because I believe it will help and you can recover, not if you don't do probation you're going to be a heroin addict. I've never so much as popped pills, or done cocaine let alone try needle drugs (I'M SCARED TO DEATH OF NEEDLES).

    This whole encounter made me hate. It made me angry at the system, at police officers, at judges, at the law and at America. It made me want to hurt them and take revenge. But most of all... it made me want to keep smoking more.

    Well needless to say, I was being responsible and getting a sober driver home from a party who got pulled over and I panicked and got arrested again. I said I didn't want to talk to the cop when he started questioning us about "dope" and that means I'm automatically guilty. He confiscated my phone for 2 weeks and put me in a holding cell with no blankets or pillows and let the cold air conditioning blow on me all night. He pulled me out of the holding cell at 2 am and said "OK, you want a lawyer? Call one" and he handed me a yellow pages (at 2 AM). What I should have said was "That's your job to provide me one, better get goin' not many lawyers are up at this hour" and handed the book back to him. But I didn't. I let him get a smirk on his face and I said "never mind". xxxxxxxxxxxxx, Michigan cuffed me way too tight. He could tell I was in obvious pain and asked what was wrong, when I said the cuffs were too tight he chuckled and said "oh", I had bruises on my wrists for the next 2 weeks. After court my P.O. asked me why I was back on probation again. I said "because cigarettes and alcohol are more dangerous and addictive than weed so I choose to smoke weed". She said "Ya but after a certain age you can drink and smoke cigarettes". This is why I hate this country. They trust me to take a bullet but I can't have a beer with my dad before 20. They say they care about my health and well being yet cigarettes and alcohol and both legal, yet more addictive and deadly than pot. So I said "I guess I messed up". What I should've said was "Because I'm conscious about my body and my health. Weed isn't dangerous and it's been proven. I don't like to drink but I like to relax and smoke a joint every now and then which is so much healthier than relaxing with nicotine or going out and getting smashed and ruining my liver. Weed also has made me so many friends. It's brought us all together and we don't do coke, or ecstasy or heroin, hell hardly any of us smoke cigarettes. We chill out at each others houses and smoke some weed on a Friday or Saturday and just watch cartoons. It's also made me a deeper more philosophical thinker. I'm in touch with my spiritual side. It's also never brought me any problems. The court looks at me like I'm a messed up drug fiend with so many problems when the reality is... my problems don't start until I get arrested and the system tells me I have problems". God... if only.

    I am afraid of the police. My biggest fear isn't dying alone anymore. It's getting arrested, or having to deal with police. They have assault rifles, batons, pepper spray, non lethal explosives, hand guns, hand cuffs, mini tanks to ram down doors and worst of all... they are given the authority to use them by the government. I have no rights when I get pulled over. They expect me to be submissive and let them walk all over me, and the second I get an attitude they come down with the full extent of their power and go above the law to bully me to show me that they are the boss.xxxx lied to me again. Go figure another cop lies to me. When I was in the holding cell he comes up to breathalyze me. Having learned that cops lie from the first time I was arrested when I was cooperating, I asked him 4 times if they could use the breathalyser on me in court and all 4 times he said "No". And guess what they used against me in court???????????

    The problem is, more people haven't been arrested then have. Most people have never had problems with the law so they think the police are our friends and that if someone says a cop is lying or abusing their authority that is in our heads and we are just bitter because we got arrested. Afterall, we are nothing but low life criminals who have done something to break the law so we are obviously just mad at the cop, right? Cops abuse their authority every day. They have quotas to fill to arrest and ticket citizens they are supposed to be protecting and serving even though quotas are illegal. They are all ex-military given authority by the government to use deadly force when necessary, even when it doesn't call for it and most of the time they walk from an otherwise would be murder charge because the people who review their cases are ex-cops who personally know them. I watched a video of a guy go to 30+ police stations and ask how to file a complaint against a police officer, he never used names and he never stated he was going to yet every single time the cop said "I'm sorry but unless you tell ME the problem I can't help you because I have to decide if you have a case or not", often he was arrested, told to leave and several times he was searched, handcuffed or chased off the premises. When in reality, every single station is supposed to have a form you can fill out which is to be submitted to a review board. Every complaint is attached to an officers file, so of course the person at the front desk isn't going to let their good friend get any complaints on their file.

    Is this not scary to you? Is there anyone out there who believes we have a problem? We're never going to be able to do anything about it. Never. And this horrifies me.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 27, 2011
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I just wanted you know i read your post and i too fear the police as a child they caused great harm to my family and they harmed my twin terrible and she took t hem to court but of course nothing was done to them they treated mytwin worse then garbage. So i do u nderstand your fear i do. But on the other hand there are some cops that actually care and show compassion and understanding not many but some. I am sorry you are so afraid hugs to you
  3. Androgyny

    Androgyny Well-Known Member

    The cops are just sentinels to uphold the government's vision of how things "should" be and to assert their power on the rest of us. Anyone who honestly believes that they are there to protect us from the "bad people" is pretty naive. I'm sure my opinions have already gotten my IP flagged, so a quick shoutout to the ASIO pricks probably monitoring me, Hey-ya! Why don't you follow someone who actually poses a threat to people's SAFETY?

    That aside, yeah, you have every reason not to trust them. The truth of why they exist is reason enough, without even considering all the horror stories of the abuse of their powers...
  4. marsb

    marsb Member

    I am sorry for your fear. My suggestion would be to lay low for awhile. Try to remember not all officers are the same.
  5. Androgyny

    Androgyny Well-Known Member

    Yeah, some are mislead samaritans as opposed to being clueless, macho, xxxx who toe the line because they don't have the intellectual capacity to question it, as well as merely enjoying feeling like a "big man"... Okay, I'll shut up now...

    No offense to anyone. OPINION!
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 27, 2011
  6. thepainwithin

    thepainwithin Well-Known Member

    Ya, I know they aren't all bad, at least that's what people tell me, and I'm sorry if my post sounds pretty whiny, I'm just trying to blow off some steam.

    I am just absolutely aw-struck that these 2 I have dealt with would treat someone who has never even dealt with the law like a flat out criminal. I was watching American Dad the other day when Stan wanted to get his childhood back so he started hanging out with Steve, and there's one scene in the episode that absolutely epitomizes the generational gap in views on law enforcement by todays parents and children. Stan, Steve and his friends are egging someones house and they hear cop sirens and Steve yells "Run!" and Stan looks confused and goes "Guys, we have no need to fear, the cops are our friends" and 1 second later Stan is tackled by 4 police, beaten with a baton, pepper sprayed in the eyes and handcuffed.

    I guess it's guilt before innocence in any case.

    I just can't stop thinking about that judge who told me I would be nothing more than a heroin addict on the street if I continue to smoke pot. Funny side story, my Lawyer, who is very good friends with that judge, told me that his son is an absolute hopeless drug addict who uses heroin and smokes meth. I guess he thinks that just because he is a bad parent and can't control his son that I'm going to start using needle drugs because my parents are unfit too... Oh and it's also funny how he hasn't issued an arrest warrant for his son yet even though the Honorable Judge Dennis N. Powers of the Novi 52-1 is a "person of the law".
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