My Blinding Bliss

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by asdfghj, Aug 5, 2013.

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  1. asdfghj

    asdfghj New Member

    Hello. I'm new to this and I have never been a part of something like this before... But I do need help. For the last couple of months, life itself has gotten difficult and with each coming day, it just doesn't seem to get any better for me. Suicide is a constant battle for me, and not alot of people truly know me. To everyone out there, I will smile and I will hide. It just kills me because I want to reach out to people, but at the same time I am scared... Scared of how people will view me. To many who know me, I am that strong one... Well, be prepared to read... ALOT..

    My life has been anything but easy. I grew up without a mother, but I always had my grandparents there for me. They practically raised me. My biological mother (whom I do not remember), left my dad's side of the family when I was barely a year old. She tried to kill me and my dad walked in on her and saved my life. From then on, I had an aunt who looked after me in my early years.. My family did not want me growing up without a mother figure in my life, and until later, I had always called her 'mommy' and thought that she was my biological mother. It wasn't until I was 11 years old that she passed away, due to cancer. At the time, it was hard for me to fully grasp losing someone.

    My grandma was always there for me as well. She was always home and she took care of me since I was a baby. After the passing of my mom, my teenage years were spent with my grandma. As for my dad, we were never that close because he did estrange himself from the family for a bit and also hurt because he really loved my biological mother. About 2 years ago, my grandma also passed from cancer. In high school, I was an average student... My grades were not poor, but they weren't exactly 4.0 GPA either. During those times, I missed out on going out with all the other kids at school. I had probably only one friend, and I did not even feel that close to her at times..

    That was my life at home. It's been two years now since I have moved out of the house I grew up in. I moved for college and ever since I moved away, I barely kept in contact with the remaining family. Out on my own, I felt as though I was exploring the world for the first time. I was partying and pretty much making up for my high school years since I had other responsibilities at home. I pledged for a sorority and was out each weekend and putting my studies second. During that time, I would probably only call home every few months and unlike the others around me who would leave home for the weekend, I was out somewhere partying. Needless to say that just after attending 3 semesters, I ended up dropping out of college.

    I felt that I hit rock bottom. I was hopeless and all my dreams of one day entering the medical profession was gone. 4 months ago, after not talking to my family, I get a call at work. That call changed everything. I was asked to go to the coroner's office to go pick up my dad's belongings because he had just died due to a car accident. That forced me to go back and see the rest of my family. The news slapped me in the face and here I am today.

    What I hated the most was that during the time I was out there partying, I had neglected my dad. I barely spoke to him and I didn't show him that I love him. Now looking back, I give anything to undo my actions. My stupidity and foolish mistakes. I ended up quitting the sorority after a couple of months because I am not a sorority person. All the sisterhood and bonding... It was never truly there. I couldn't even manage to make an appearance at my dad's funeral... And I have completely shut myself away from family and friends. All I do now is work my minimum wage job and barely make enough to get by.. But no matter what, I can not go back and face my family after everything that I have done. I know that it sounds foolish... All I really do is run away from every problem that I have had.

    I never thought that so much could happen... And now, I am a lost soul. I know what I need to do and what should be done. But lately, I have just given up. I feel empty and nothing really matters to me like it did. I have tried and failed.. Only because I am scared and a little voice yells at me for being so stupid to take away the life that my dad had fought to save. I don't want to attempt anything anymore; but I guess I just needed to get all this off my chest.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Oh hun please hun don't be so hard on yourself ok Many students do as you have done party feel that freedom and have failed but that is just a part of living ok You learn now that partying and school do not go well. Your father hun i am sorry for your loss Do something hun to commemorate your dad ok You go back to college you have time apply for some grants and reach out to your family. Hun they will be mad perhaps but they will understand Talk to someone you trust ok get some help for you depression get some councilling to get YOU back on track again. Again hun please don't be hard on you ok we all learn from our mistakes Get some councilling some therapy for you to help you now and reach out to your family
  3. listless

    listless Banned Member

    You reminded me of how sensitive I am-an incident at work really pissed me off today and I have difficulty letting things go. When I get in that state I start reaching out to my contacts for some solace. So I know to an extent of what you're talking about. I'm sorry for the loss of your important family members.

    I nearly did the same with my mother, she was basically invisible to me for a long time-I'd visit but loathed to be around her. I never realized the personal hell that she was living in-the biggest of which was loneliness since she had lost her friends and her kids would not see her very often. Anyways, as life got worse for her and myself, I realized-like you, what an ass I've been for not being in her life and fixed that pretty quickly and glad I did. Then life got much better for both of us.

    I happen to be well educated but ended up in work that is below my level, not min wage, but let's say lower-middle class-still there, so I know what you're talking about. It'd be good for you to reach out to others, build a social support network with friends you could trust. Then also focus on getting a good job-even if it requires upgrading your skills. With myself, I have something else I'm working on and I think it'll do well-or I'll just find better work if it doesn't pan out. Unfortunately employment matters a lot in shaping our lives, so the better your job, the better your life.

    As for your loss, I know how you feel...I personally don't feel there's much for me to live for, but there's some experiences I wish to have and things I'm keen on doing before I finally decide to end it, so I think that's what keeps me going. Death is always there if someone really wants why not get the most you can out of life before you decide to end it? That's just my take.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 6, 2013
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