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My body's backed me into a corner.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by jadine, Dec 30, 2008.

  1. jadine

    jadine New Member

    I was just diagnosed with a condition called premature ovarian failure. Basically, I'm hitting menopause while I'm still in my twenties.

    This has, naturally, been pretty tough on my self-image. I'm terrified that the lack of estrogen in my body is going to make me look old and ugly. The hot flashes are unbearable, as is the hair loss. I feel disgusting and deformed. The condition puts you at risk for heart and eye problems, too--just to rub salt in the wound. It sort of feels like my body's decaying.

    No one in my life understands. They all think I'm overreacting; they're much more annoyed than sympathetic. I swear, if I hear, "You're lucky you're hitting menopause! You don't have to deal with periods anymore!" one more effing time, I'm going to punch a b****.

    I don't really want to die, but I feel like my body's backed my into a corner. I don't think I can handle living with this condition.

    I think about killing myself almost constantly. I often find myself doing dangerous things. If I need to cross the street, I don't look before I walk. I drink lots of alcohol. Sometimes I just lose it and start cutting, biting, and punching myself. It feels so good to punish my body for doing this to me, but I'm afraid that one day I'll go too far. Deep down, I know I'd rather exist than not exist.

    I want to talk to a psychiatrist about this, but I feel like I can't. I've heard that the first thing they do when they hear about suicidal thoughts is Baker Act you.

    I really don't know what to do. I want to feel better about myself. I want to be normal again.
  2. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    I'm truly sorry about your illness and all you've been through, it must be very tough. And people not recognising how painful emotionally it is for you, making light of it, I hate that, it always makes me personally feel ten times worse when people say stuff like that. It's good you found this forum though because there's always someone willing to talk. It helps to talk sometimes, even if it doesn't directly solve the problem. It sounds like you want to see a psychiatrist and get help, I think you should, they only put you in hospital if you have an immediate plan usually. Otherwise they ask you if you want to go in voluntarily or be treated as an outpatient. I really think you should see a doctor. Like you said, you don't really want to die. But the situation you're is probably too much for you to cope with alone right now.
    Thinking of you :hug:
  3. jadine

    jadine New Member

    Thank you so much. I really needed that. :) You're right; I don't think I can deal with this on my own. I think I will make an appointment with a psychiatrist.
  4. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    You also have this forum as an outlet for the problems and dilemma's life throw's at you. Your not alone.