my boring story

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by goneforever, Nov 19, 2013.

  1. goneforever

    goneforever Active Member

    I was born July 10th, 1987 into a family with my mother, father and sister. I have very few childhood memories and they are ones I wish I could forget and erase from my mind. I remember my father beating me over stupid stuff, and my parents getting divorced at a early age which is the one that broke me down mentally. My mother took me and my sister away from him moving from Ontario Canada to Sydney, Nova Scotia.

    I grew up here on my own, my mother and sister never paid much attention to me or tried to interact with me. I needed my father to teach me how to be a man I needed him more than anything but he wanted nothing to do with me. I was induced into sadness at a very early age I started self inflicting at the age of 14. I would go and hide in the bathroom going into the shower with my razor blade cutting all over my body and writing stuff into my body. It gave me a feeling.. a rush.. seeing the blood drip down my body.. the pain it gave me.. it was my escape from my empty shell.. my dark existence.

    A few years later I joined into a neighborhood gang.. they showed me love and I quickly accepted it. but it was not really love it was protection. They turned me into more of a cold hearted being with no shits to give. I was a part of something but it was something that wasn't right. I was selling and using marijuana almost everyday and fighting multiple times a week for them and for myself. fighting made me feel like a man.. and I always thought of my father when I fought because It fueled me it turned me into a monster I wanted to hurt whoever tried to mess with me and pictured his face on this person.

    by the age on 20 i was working off and on and hanging around with the wrong crowd but things were starting to change for me.. i met somebody. I remember the first time we met she had such a gorgeous smile and big beautiful eyes. She started talking to me and we began a friendship very quickly. shortly after we began dating and i was in love. I couldn't believe for the first time in my life i felt like i was loved i felt happy.. it was strange and it was amazing. She gave me chills every time we kissed every time we touched it was like when i first started cutting.. the sensation was something i never could of imagined.

    To make things short i took a beating to get out of the gang for her.. so i could be with her and forget about my past put it all behind me. We were together for 5 years ending this last September. I found out she cheated on me and i took it very badly. I threw her out of my house along with all her stuff and told her she ruined my life that she broke my heart the few pieces that were remaining. I knew it was too good to be true everyone i ever trusted in my life previously betrayed me and this was one i was not expecting. i broke down and could not forgive her.. it was the last time i would ever trust anybody with my heart.. my heart that no longer remains.

    Im now 26 years old.. lost my job.. lost the only thing i had left in my life and im cold, beaten, hurting and tired.. im back to my old ways of wanting to grab the razor and erase all this hate i have for the world and for the people that came into my life. I want to die i want to escape from this all.

    i wish i could give my life too some in need somebody that has a reason too live.. i want to just grab <edit mod total eclipse method> and end it all.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 19, 2013
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi goneforever you story is not boring it is very sad and painful and i am sorry these people who were to care for you abused you. You are grieving the loss of a dream right now but she is not worth you leaving ok do not give anyone that power over you. You deserve peace and happiness and for awhile you had that and you can have it again ok but with someone that deserves your love. I hope you reach out to your doctor ok get some therapy to help you heal to help you move out of the darkness you are in the pain ok and find a new start
    You can do it you can start again you have before i know right now you don't feel like doing anything but give it some time ok and then try again hugs
     
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi goneforever. I too think your story is not boring. I too think its a very painful.. excruciating story. I am sorry you have experienced so much pain. The pain of your father. The greatest way to take back your power and show him he could not steal from you is to find help. Because you deserve help for that very deep wound left by your father. I agree with total eclipse in saying that I hope you do not give your father that power over you. The way to take back the power is to heal those huge wounds. The wounds he put there. Do you think you might be interested in finding a therapist to help you to take back yourself and begin to heal?
     
  4. goneforever

    goneforever Active Member

    no I do not think so.. im just tired want to give up although im already there. this is how it was meant to be.. no happy ending