I was born July 10th, 1987 into a family with my mother, father and sister. I have very few childhood memories and they are ones I wish I could forget and erase from my mind. I remember my father beating me over stupid stuff, and my parents getting divorced at a early age which is the one that broke me down mentally. My mother took me and my sister away from him moving from Ontario Canada to Sydney, Nova Scotia. I grew up here on my own, my mother and sister never paid much attention to me or tried to interact with me. I needed my father to teach me how to be a man I needed him more than anything but he wanted nothing to do with me. I was induced into sadness at a very early age I started self inflicting at the age of 14. I would go and hide in the bathroom going into the shower with my razor blade cutting all over my body and writing stuff into my body. It gave me a feeling.. a rush.. seeing the blood drip down my body.. the pain it gave me.. it was my escape from my empty shell.. my dark existence. A few years later I joined into a neighborhood gang.. they showed me love and I quickly accepted it. but it was not really love it was protection. They turned me into more of a cold hearted being with no shits to give. I was a part of something but it was something that wasn't right. I was selling and using marijuana almost everyday and fighting multiple times a week for them and for myself. fighting made me feel like a man.. and I always thought of my father when I fought because It fueled me it turned me into a monster I wanted to hurt whoever tried to mess with me and pictured his face on this person. by the age on 20 i was working off and on and hanging around with the wrong crowd but things were starting to change for me.. i met somebody. I remember the first time we met she had such a gorgeous smile and big beautiful eyes. She started talking to me and we began a friendship very quickly. shortly after we began dating and i was in love. I couldn't believe for the first time in my life i felt like i was loved i felt happy.. it was strange and it was amazing. She gave me chills every time we kissed every time we touched it was like when i first started cutting.. the sensation was something i never could of imagined. To make things short i took a beating to get out of the gang for her.. so i could be with her and forget about my past put it all behind me. We were together for 5 years ending this last September. I found out she cheated on me and i took it very badly. I threw her out of my house along with all her stuff and told her she ruined my life that she broke my heart the few pieces that were remaining. I knew it was too good to be true everyone i ever trusted in my life previously betrayed me and this was one i was not expecting. i broke down and could not forgive her.. it was the last time i would ever trust anybody with my heart.. my heart that no longer remains. Im now 26 years old.. lost my job.. lost the only thing i had left in my life and im cold, beaten, hurting and tired.. im back to my old ways of wanting to grab the razor and erase all this hate i have for the world and for the people that came into my life. I want to die i want to escape from this all. i wish i could give my life too some in need somebody that has a reason too live.. i want to just grab <edit mod total eclipse method> and end it all.