My boyfriend died. I can't live any longer

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sarah11380, Aug 26, 2015.

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  1. Sarah11380

    Sarah11380 New Member

    I'm 24. My boyfriend passed away recently. He had a failing heart and has been in and out of the hospital for as long as I've known him. I've known him since we were 6 and we've been together since we were 13. 5 months before he died, we moved in to a place together and things were going perfect. I never felt so happy in my life. We were planning to get married as well.

    I feel so lonely now. I can't stop crying and I can't live any longer. I don't believe in heaven or spirituality, I know I won't be able to talk to him. I will never see him again. I have no one to reach out to.

    Everytime I go to bed is when the pain is the worst. He always wrapped his arms around me the same way everynight. Now I have this lonely painful feeling in my chest and I can't sleep at all.

    He was there for me always, when my parents neglected me and he was my shoulder to cry on. I grew up in a abusive family and he was the only one who was there to support me. His family held the funeral but I didn't go. I just couldn't. Because of this, they don't want to talk to me. I didn't go cause it was way too painful, but his mother won't answer my calls.

    I miss him so much. He was everything to me. I have nothing left. I just want to die already. Thinking about suicide gives me a great feeling of relief.

    I'm very scared, I don't know what to do!
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. You very vulnerable at the moment which is understandable given the traumatic experience you have gone through. You are all alone and you think no one understands what you are going through. Wrong, the ones who only understand what you are experiences are the ones who use this forum. Please be reassured you have are no longer alone and we are a very understanding community.

    Take the virtual hand we offer and let us help you through tough time. I can understand, why you did not go to the funeral as you could not face people and perhaps it could have caused more emotional hurt. It's not nice coping on your own. It's going to take time to recover and it could be several months. It will not be overnight.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 27, 2015
  3. Jacknstuff

    Jacknstuff Member

    I'm no counselor, but I can sympathize... That is one of the more heartbreaking things I've heard in a while. I'm so sorry for your loss.

    I could say think about it if the roles were reversed? Would you want to see you love swirling into a depression and suffering from loss?

    Or would you want to see him remember you. And smile at everything wonderful that you two shared? Would you want to see him chase down the both of your dreams as much as his life permitted him to? Would you want to see him move on... Live life. Have a child some day?

    These are horrible things in one way to think of. I can only imagine it hurts to think of it. But calm yourself for just a moment and focus on these questions. If you have to YouTube beginner meditation to get help calming, do that. Or just when you are so tired if crying, that you can't cry anymore, calm yourself.

    And ask yourself.

    If the roles were reversed, what would you want him to do? How would you want him to live.

    And if he didn't do the things you wish he would do, like finding a way back to joy, how would you feel looking in on him? That's probably how he would feel too.

    I don't know if this helps. Or if it only hurts more. All I know is I wish you a mountain of hugs and comfort. And I hope you can calm yourself, and truely and deeply ask yourself, what if the roles were reversed.

    Good luck. And extremely good wishes to you. (hugs)

    A dad
  4. Sarah11380

    Sarah11380 New Member

    Thank you guys. I'm glad to talk to people who understand what I am feeling. The pain has gotten less intense as the days go by but I still can't sleep very much. When I do I see him in my dreams.
  5. Jacknstuff

    Jacknstuff Member

    Your dreams, be the at night or day dreaming, will likely ease over time. Healing differs from one person to the next. But time affects us all. Just give it time. :) That and try getting out with friends sooner than later. The more you seclude yourself, the more you'll want to be secluded. It's a vicious cycle. One best nipped in the bud as soon as possible. Give yourself some time alone. But just be careful that you don't want to be alone ALL the time. That's a sign that you may be past grieving and are stuck wallowing. And wallowing heals no one... :-/
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I am glad you opened up here, I'm glad it helped even if just a bit. im really sorry for your loss :( you're a special person. please hold on :)
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