I don't know why I have thought about suicide for the past 20 years. I have tried several times. The attempts were feeble. The closest I ever got was once I took a bunch of pills after a fight with my sister and slept threw an entire day. I also bought a gun once about nine years ago, but I called some one and my mom came and took me to the doctor. The thing is that I am 32 now. I just quit my job and withdrew from a fellowship at Vanderbilt. Nobody likes me. I have never been married. I have had 2 abortions. I can't get out of bed. I just really do not want to live. I dont want to hurt and disappoint my family, but I hurt and disappoint them any way. I can't go anywhere without being harassed, and I am a targeted individual. I wish suicide was legal.