My brother raped me wen i was younger...

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by sugar&spice, Apr 22, 2008.

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  1. sugar&spice

    sugar&spice Guest

    i felt so upset when i finaly relised that wot my brother was doin was rong...... wen i say it like that it sounds like i enjoyed it.... i didnt i believed it was normal until i was about 12 when i relised that it was rong..... when i told my counsellor..... i neva told any1 how i felt the first tym he did it 2 me........ until now.. i feel i need 2 gt it out now....

    i was 7 wen it 1st happened... i dno if anyone has ever herd of pokemon... wel i loved that game - until the day it happend... we had a tent in our back garden so my eldest sister could practice stayin outside b4 she went campin with school...

    i was swappin pokemmon cards with my brother in the tent on my own... i trusted him... n then he siad to me " if u play a game with me il give u all my pokemon cards" he had loads so i said fine... i dindt no wot game he wanted 2 play..... n then he got naked... n i 4t he was jokin.... he told me dat if any1 found out that they wouldnt beleive me becuase i was a little gal n he was a big man... so i beleived him.. that day he stole my innocence... after he finsihed havin sex with me i was in shock i dindt understand wot jus happened... i was sore down below... n it hurt me wot eva i did....... my mum just thought i had an infection......

    for the nx 2 yrs he did it another 5 times.. after that i jus felt that he was right. that no one would trust me n that i wouldnt be belived.... n funny enough he is right...... i told my mum when i was 13 that he raped me once... i could only tel her thst he did it the once... n she said ok il support u... bout 10 weeks later she said "i no u made it up... craig wouldnt do that to any1"....

    that day i lost faith that no one would beleive me.... for the next 3 yrs i tried forgettin it... and then i started colege... n the corz im on - health and social care - talks about abused children... not jus sexually but mentally n physically... it triggered it all off again... i started havin flashbacks... n i couldnt brethe wheneva someone mentioned sexually abuse... my brother by this time had ran away frmo home about 4 yrs ago... but i was always scared that he was goin 2 come bk for more... im still scared becuase i dont no when he is going to visit... i try n stay as far from him as possible... i find it so hard to deal with... i no many ppl who have gone through rape who jus keep fighting... i feel so weak for not being able to carry on fighting... my counellor has been brillaitn but soon its time 2 move on becuase ive turned 18 so im gettin referred to adult psychriatry n im meetin a new person who i will have to talk bout to again... ijus need help i cant do this anymore... i jus feel as if im to blame... i dont no if anyone else feels that.. as if its their fault? i feel that i should have been able to stop him or scream or shouted... or ran in n told my mum str8 away... yet i didnt............. he hurt me in many more ways than peple fink....... i jus feel so frusrated... yet i feel so much better for being able 2 say it now....

    anyways sorry if u think im weak n pathetic... coz ano i am...
     
  2. Hazel

    Hazel SF & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    I really feel for you, for the years of suffering you had to endure at the hands of your brother.
    Firstly let me say you are NOT weak or pathetic, you are NOT to blame, you did nothing wrong.
    I'm very glad you have found Sf and felt able to share this with us and I'm sure you will find the help and support you need here.
    I understand that it will be difficult initially moving to an new counsellor but she will understand how you are feeling and I'm sure she will take things slowly and give you a settling in period, tell her how anxious you are about it, she won't mind and it will help you cope.
    Keep talking to us, we are here for you.

    Hazel xx
     
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