My Brother

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by total eclipse, Oct 28, 2010.

  1. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Tomorrow is the date my brother left us i don't know how long he lied alone noone cared enough not even his own children or wife to go check on him i was right there in the town he lived and yet i did not know where or how to get a hold of him i would have taken him home with me if i known. He was to take his grandchildren out for halloween he loved his grandchildren he loved doing things with them he was excited about his daugthers upcoming wedding all looked fine but no it was not i hate halloween now this time of year only brings sadness i just think how much he is missing now how his grandson would have loved him so i just wish he called me i was not a good sister i ran along time ago away from them all i ran and looked after me now he gone no hope now i miss him and will always have that guilt of not caring enough

    Heavy Heart«

    I wish my heart
    wasn't so heavy
    so full of pain
    I wish my heart
    could feel emotion again
    This heart has endured
    more than it can take
    of sadness, despair
    of peoples selfish ways
    A heart that only wanted
    a family a true home
    A heart that suffered greatly
    now just wants to be alone
    A heavy heart that can barely beat
    that can barely keep me alive
    This heart wants nothing more
    now, it just cannot survive
    It is to full of excruciating pain
    Why god why!
    Did you have to leave that way.
    Your suicide
    not only killed you that day.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 28, 2010
  2. confusedgirl

    confusedgirl Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry for you loss hun it must be very hard for you at this time, I hope you have lots of caring people around to help you get thru this time, much love and take care of yourself xxx
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am also so sorry for your loss...he must have been someone who could not get close to ppl, because if he truly knew you, he would have known the gift he had...and having run away, we all have to do what we have to in life...all my caring, J
  4. dartofabaris

    dartofabaris Well-Known Member

    im sorry for your loss violet, and i agree with sadeyes, had he known about how much you cared, he wouldnt have. I think we should tell or show the ones we care most about, how much they really mean to us, that makes each of us feel good and genuine.

  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    It was i who ran away from them all i did not want contact with anyone and isolated from my past i should have as you said let him know i would of helped i did not reach out to him i thought his family would do that i was wrong dam it i was so wrong
  6. dartofabaris

    dartofabaris Well-Known Member

    dont be so hard on yourself, you ran away cause you were feeling miserable and tortured, its certainly not your burden to bear. Each of us are responsible for our own agency and qualia, independently.

    here take my boat out for a sail -->:kris:
    if you get sea sick, blow a :sax ; it helps with the tummy.
  7. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    violet sending you big *hugs* for tomorrow and every day....
    don't be too hard on yourself are a lovely caring person..
    you did the best you could at the time...that's all any of us can do..:hug: :flowers:
  8. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    Violet :hug:
  9. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i miss you i have no right to i was never there for you
    dam this world dam the people who made you feel unwanted unworthy dam all of them
    i am sorry i was one i didn't mean to abandon you imsorry. another year bro i am still here i am trying so hard to stay strong.
  10. assek

    assek Well-Known Member

    i am so sorry violet, im thinking of you during this difficult time.

    i know this is really hard, but you really really MUST NOT blame yourself, okay ? we all have responsibility for our own lives, and sometimes we have to look out for OURSELVES .

    hugs hugs hugs
  11. Landlocked blues

    Landlocked blues Well-Known Member

    Im so sorry Violet. This must be so hard on you but please dont blame yourself. As has already been said, we all have control over our own lives. If your brother was that sad, nothing anybody could have done to stop him.
    Sending you big hugs :hug:
  12. 41021

    41021 Banned Member


    tried to post on your wall yesterday, there was no place for visitor messages :no: i didn't have enough energy to search the forums to see if you had posted.

    I was thinking of you all day, wishing i could somehow find a way to reach out to you, let you know you were not alone :console:

    This morning, found this thread so i'm posting here instead.

    How are you holding up?

    Hope you keep talking sweetheart. My head tells me it's the right thing to do, somehow necessary, despite my own inability to communicate.

    You generously offer so much of yourself to your sf family, who are suffering and in pain, even through your own trials and nightmares. Let your sf family be here for you. I suspect that ache has to find it's way out, emotions/feelings/thoughts need some release...and human beings need to somehow connect with one another.

    Guilt doesn't belong to you love. Honest. ***hugs***
    Totally understand your anger and it is appropriate. xxx

    just know i'm thinking about you, sending you hugs and love--hopes for a better day, a brighter tomorrow...and please know, you are not alone.
  13. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    hey violet im sorry you lost your brother,but you had to get away to make you the good person you are,and im sure your brother had he been strong enough would have got away too,and im sure hes looking down on you with blessing,you are a fantastic person,dont blame yourself for this.i also hope you and your daughter are keeping well
  14. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    thanks everyone so hard not to blame oneself but i know he would not want that he wouldnot intentionally harm anyone he was too sad formany years i just could not for some reason go back i became a different persona to survive i should not have left them all but i know nowthat was wrong so i have in my own ways made amends by getting the rest help i am just tired so tired and i do appreciate all the kindness shown here i will try not isolate but it is hard like kali says hard to communicate really. the depth of sadness. let the tears come right let them flow move on somehow i always do how does one forgive oneself how does one let go of the dam past one i ran from now i have to face sorry thank you again i mean it i will be okay as i do hope and pray all of you will find that strength inside to hold on for better days I know my bro would want that for me. take care
  15. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    hun just saw this post sorry. i know how much this hurts you i know how much it has taken out of oyu and that it feel s like it will never get any better.

    you need to really rad and hear the words int he other posts. peopele know us better than we know ourselves. they seet he stuff we dont let oursleves see. you are a good person. hun you were in a lot of paion yourself. you were trying to find stability for yourself at the same time. that isnt a fault. it isnt a reason to blame what happend onyour self. please hun dont be so hard on yourself. no one could of done any better. any different.. but the blame has no regard for thuings like that. and it will t ake up and hold itself deep inside tyou. please listen ..... it was not your fault or the fault of anything you did or dint do. it want a choice you made.

    you love your brother. that is very important. you talk about him and what hapened. so many just hide suicide away. but you honor your brothers pain and struggles by telling others and trying to help others from waht happened. that my friend is a tremendous way to show your brother that you love him and you are definitly helping him and all others that sufer with this demon.

    please stop the pain. dont let it grow. you have done and always do the best you can for others. that is who you really are. we see it and know it and im sure your brother knows that too.

    luv ya :arms:
  16. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    thanks Carla i am trying so hard to let go of the pain and sadness it just so unreal all of it today i will focus on my grandaughter i will keep me busy today thanks
  17. Leo

    Leo New Member

    The emotions you felt, and the pain you had to dealt with is the same ones I had to feel. My best friend who was a bother if not my soul barer, took a leap of hope with no footing to stand on. I still wonder to this very day why he never phoned, why ne never told or even shared the burden he had to carry. I found myself alongside loving friends carrying his last lifeless remains to the sanctuary he would have been dreaming of, only to be covered in flowers and tears of love. I wish he was here today to tell me all will be okay. I am sorry you to had to feel this way.
  18. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i am sorry you lost your brother i don't know why these things happen i just know how much pain there is now how much guilt. I am sure your brother is still with you helping your get through these tough times in your heart and in my heart they will always remain always.:sigh: