My brother's wife stole my razor? Panic attack ensued.

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by happyville, Jan 3, 2011.

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  1. happyville

    happyville Well-Known Member

    she came into my room to talk to me the other night - which is downright unusual, mind - and sat on my bed, next to my headboard, where i kept my razor blade. she's always assuming things about me, and considering i've bled through a few wrist-warmers without realizing it, or the wrist-warmers went up while i was playing with the dogs or doing chores, and she was always, always looking, no matter what i did, every time i moved to straighten out my wrist-warmer she constantly looked - of course she would think i was harming myself, because she came into my room to talk to me about depression. i haven't let anyone in on the fact i'm depressed at all, and in a way, some of my depression is eased because of the eating disorder and self-harming - i feel a lot more in control lately, and it's made me feel a lot better.

    but i was desperate to self-harm last night, and nearly ripped my room apart looking for that damn blade - i hadn't been crying beforehand but i started crying then, sobbing, really. i even pulled off my mattresses despite my chronic back pain to see if the razor fell underneath the bed because i always put the razor on my bookshelf above the bed. i took down every book i have, took every harry potter book out of its harry potter box set, etc. i looked everywhere and couldn't find it - which makes me think that if she didn't take it while she was talking to me, at one point, someone did.

    so cue panic/anxiety attack. horrible chest pains, hyperventilating, felt dizzy and sick, like i was about to really lose my head. i called a friend and asked her to drive with me to town, because i was so focused on getting more blades. going to town both helped and made it worse - it helped, because i felt like i was doing something about it, but it made it worse because it was sunday night and a lot of the stores were closed, so i had that awful feeling i'd had back in my room - if i could just put my hands on the razor again, i'd feel better.

    we went to a hardware store five minutes before it closed, and i found what i was looking for - a $3 pack containing 10 of them.

    i just felt... so much better, even while i was coming up with excuses as to why i was only purchasing razors from a store that specialized in cars, considering i had a seat cover in my backseat in need of exchanging for a better one.

    we eventually went to the grocery store for more important shopping endeavors, but i was exhausted. in a good way, though. after all that trouble and desperation the urge to harm myself had left me.

    but... yeah. i had no idea i was that dependent on self-harming to make me feel better. i had no idea how bad i was.
  2. plshelpme

    plshelpme Well-Known Member

    your brother's wife seems to to her...
  3. ~Young-Violet~

    ~Young-Violet~ Banned Member

    Hello HappyVille,

    Many people depend on Self Harming as a way to cope so you are not alone, when you think about hurting yourself could you distrack yourself from it? Maybe call a friend do something you enjoy, how does that sound? Try to keep yourself bust until your mind gets of hurting yourself :hug: Maybe hide your razors as well in a lockable box thats helped me before.
    God luck take care.
  4. My husband used to take my razors. He soon found out that I would have a panic attack which in turn would cause me to find or buy new razors. Then I would cut. The problem was I would cut worse due to the anxiety. He now leaves my blades alone, they're my security blanket.
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