she came into my room to talk to me the other night - which is downright unusual, mind - and sat on my bed, next to my headboard, where i kept my razor blade. she's always assuming things about me, and considering i've bled through a few wrist-warmers without realizing it, or the wrist-warmers went up while i was playing with the dogs or doing chores, and she was always, always looking, no matter what i did, every time i moved to straighten out my wrist-warmer she constantly looked - of course she would think i was harming myself, because she came into my room to talk to me about depression. i haven't let anyone in on the fact i'm depressed at all, and in a way, some of my depression is eased because of the eating disorder and self-harming - i feel a lot more in control lately, and it's made me feel a lot better. but i was desperate to self-harm last night, and nearly ripped my room apart looking for that damn blade - i hadn't been crying beforehand but i started crying then, sobbing, really. i even pulled off my mattresses despite my chronic back pain to see if the razor fell underneath the bed because i always put the razor on my bookshelf above the bed. i took down every book i have, took every harry potter book out of its harry potter box set, etc. i looked everywhere and couldn't find it - which makes me think that if she didn't take it while she was talking to me, at one point, someone did. so cue panic/anxiety attack. horrible chest pains, hyperventilating, felt dizzy and sick, like i was about to really lose my head. i called a friend and asked her to drive with me to town, because i was so focused on getting more blades. going to town both helped and made it worse - it helped, because i felt like i was doing something about it, but it made it worse because it was sunday night and a lot of the stores were closed, so i had that awful feeling i'd had back in my room - if i could just put my hands on the razor again, i'd feel better. we went to a hardware store five minutes before it closed, and i found what i was looking for - a $3 pack containing 10 of them. i just felt... so much better, even while i was coming up with excuses as to why i was only purchasing razors from a store that specialized in cars, considering i had a seat cover in my backseat in need of exchanging for a better one. we eventually went to the grocery store for more important shopping endeavors, but i was exhausted. in a good way, though. after all that trouble and desperation the urge to harm myself had left me. but... yeah. i had no idea i was that dependent on self-harming to make me feel better. i had no idea how bad i was.