God... This feels like such a.... Anyway, I wrote this and something went wrong with the forum. I guess it's my fault for being born on the arse end of the planet as former prime minister once so coloufully put it... Anyway... this is my emo rant (no offense to actual emos) This feels totally selfish and like total attention whoring, but here we go. My honest feelings. I feel like screaing into the etyher, because no-one will fukcing listen to me or take me seriously. It's like saying things will get better is enough. Well, no, it fucking isn't. I'm on anti-depressants and it's not enough. I still don't want to hang around. I don't kinow if this will get posted as I don't know what this forum's rules are, but I'm at the point of desperation where I don't read much. I just want SOMEONE to convince me to stay without platitudes. I'm don't really want to die, but I just can't see life getting any better. I'm tired of this (metaphorical) pain in my heart that destroys me day by day. Maybe this is just venting and I'm assuming it'll be viewed with suspicion by a cynical world that is used to seeing this from those seeking attention... but that's it. We'd rather view someone with suspicion and watch them fall by the wayside than look like a trusting fool. Which co-incidentally, I feel like I have been all along. This feels almost like a suicide note, but it also feels like histrionics presented to strangers. I'm not even sure of anthing any more. I'm clouded by desperation. Yeah, I'm pretty fucking drunk and I expect no response or responses calling me a pathetic attention *****... but maybe I am, and that's what I deserve. I've had a pretty unpleasant life and I've been feeling like leaving it for 22 years now. It's pretty fucking cowardly that I've stayed for as long as I have, but there are people who SEEM to care who keep guilt tripping me into staying. As it is, right now, I'm at the point of giving up giving up completely. Anti-depressants aren't working and there are various irons in the fire... But none of it makes me feel any better. I have blood running down my arm because I've sliced myself up again. I hope it's enough to stop the desperation take hold. People probably won't understand, but it seems to balance me. At least for a while. Before the tears and guilt choke me and I just want to go. My life has not been pleasant and now the love of my life have smashed what was left of me to nothing. Yeah, I know. Oh so emo. Fucking teenage shit. Except I haven't been a teen for a baker's dozen of years. So I must be trapped in arrested development. Well, if that's so... maybe I just ain't right and need to leave anyway. I DON'T WANT TO DIE. I HATE to feel this way. I'm tired of it and fuck, I'm trying so... so... fucking hard to get beyond it, but I'm nearly going to give up. Do you know the last time I could face life sober? A month ago. Before I destroyed my love and my heart. Yeah, dramatic. Abuse me, add to my load. Push me over the edge. The imp of the perverse BEGS for it. I have such a vibrant personality. I can light fires under those who never knew they even had kindling, but I feel so useless unto myself. I'm only here for others. I'm trying to find my own reason, but I can't find it. I just don't want to feel so sad, lonely and hollow. Thanks for reading this, to those who have. I'll probably wimp out and end up outliving the lot of you, but a day probably won't pass without suicide ideation... This is the first time I've cut myself in months. But I give up. I give up on pride. I give up on my body. I give up on everything. I just want to feel okay or nothing. I'm scared. Sorry. I'll let these words stand only out of some kind of desperation. Thanks for hearing me if you even have. X Why is that in bold? I don't know. It just happened. I'm drunk, all over the place and my arm is stinging a bit from the razor. Can't believe I just wrote that. Anyway. Hope you are all well. Thanks for reading.