My Cheery Welcome

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Androgyny, Jan 25, 2011.

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  1. Androgyny

    Androgyny Well-Known Member

    God... This feels like such a....

    Anyway, I wrote this and something went wrong with the forum. I guess it's my fault for being born on the arse end of the planet as former prime minister once so coloufully put it... Anyway... this is my emo rant (no offense to actual emos)

    This feels totally selfish and like total attention whoring, but here we go.
    My honest feelings. I feel like screaing into the etyher, because no-one
    will fukcing listen to me or take me seriously. It's like saying things will
    get better is enough. Well, no, it fucking isn't. I'm on anti-depressants
    and it's not enough. I still don't want to hang around.

    I don't kinow if this will get posted as I don't know what this forum's
    rules are, but I'm at the point of desperation where I don't read much. I
    just want SOMEONE to convince me to stay without platitudes. I'm don't
    really want to die, but I just can't see life getting any better. I'm tired
    of this (metaphorical) pain in my heart that destroys me day by day.

    Maybe this is just venting and I'm assuming it'll be viewed with suspicion
    by a cynical world that is used to seeing this from those seeking
    attention... but that's it. We'd rather view someone with suspicion and
    watch them fall by the wayside than look like a trusting fool. Which
    co-incidentally, I feel like I have been all along.

    This feels almost like a suicide note, but it also feels like histrionics
    presented to strangers. I'm not even sure of anthing any more. I'm clouded
    by desperation. Yeah, I'm pretty fucking drunk and I expect no response or
    responses calling me a pathetic attention *****... but maybe I am, and
    that's what I deserve.

    I've had a pretty unpleasant life and I've been feeling like leaving it for
    22 years now. It's pretty fucking cowardly that I've stayed for as long as I
    have, but there are people who SEEM to care who keep guilt tripping me into

    As it is, right now, I'm at the point of giving up giving up completely.
    Anti-depressants aren't working and there are various irons in the fire...
    But none of it makes me feel any better. I have blood running down my arm
    because I've sliced myself up again. I hope it's enough to stop the
    desperation take hold.

    People probably won't understand, but it seems to balance me. At least for a
    while. Before the tears and guilt choke me and I just want to go. My life
    has not been pleasant and now the love of my life have smashed what was left
    of me to nothing.

    Yeah, I know. Oh so emo. Fucking teenage shit. Except I haven't been a teen
    for a baker's dozen of years. So I must be trapped in arrested development.
    Well, if that's so... maybe I just ain't right and need to leave anyway. I

    I HATE to feel this way. I'm tired of it and fuck, I'm trying so... so...
    fucking hard to get beyond it, but I'm nearly going to give up.

    Do you know the last time I could face life sober? A month ago. Before I
    destroyed my love and my heart. Yeah, dramatic. Abuse me, add to my load.
    Push me over the edge. The imp of the perverse BEGS for it.

    I have such a vibrant personality. I can light fires under those who never
    knew they even had kindling, but I feel so useless unto myself. I'm only
    here for others. I'm trying to find my own reason, but I can't find it. I
    just don't want to feel so sad, lonely and hollow.

    Thanks for reading this, to those who have. I'll probably wimp out and end
    up outliving the lot of you, but a day probably won't pass without suicide
    ideation... This is the first time I've cut myself in months. But I give up.

    I give up on pride. I give up on my body. I give up on everything. I just
    want to feel okay or nothing. I'm scared. Sorry. I'll let these words stand
    only out of some kind of desperation. Thanks for hearing me if you even


    Why is that in bold? I don't know. It just happened. I'm drunk, all over the place and my arm is stinging a bit from the razor. Can't believe I just wrote that. Anyway. Hope you are all well. Thanks for reading.
  2. Ravenwing

    Ravenwing Well-Known Member

    First up, I won't give you platitudes or ego stroking. I don't roll that way. I do truth.

    First up, it has taken a hell of a lot of guts for you to post this. I think sometimes when you are completely smashed, you are less inhibited and able to communicate in ways that you can't when sober. (Not advocating alcohol as an aid to communication by the way).

    People probably won't understand? Bet you they will. You'll be surprised. Carry on talking to us on here and keep posting. It is so helpful. You can always pm me if you feel like you need to chat. But keep talking. The more that you do, the better you will feel. No bull. :hug:
  3. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Don't give up. Stay and tell us what's going on for you? X
  4. Nima

    Nima Well-Known Member

    Hello Androgyny

    Please don't feel this way want to commit Suicide for 22 years of your life you should really get some medecine because you know you don't want to die and leave this earth.

    Please come to me if you need any help
  5. DeAdwOrLD

    DeAdwOrLD Well-Known Member

    I've been alive for 22 years too and have lots of people in my life who would make me feel guilty if they knew I was suicidal. No, actually they would be horrified then make me feel guilty. Even my gf

    I think it is society that makes you feel guilty about wanting to end your life. See, they want you to be alive so they can exploit you, abuse you, make you follow insane conventions like buying things you don't and won't ever need. Then when you say 'enough of shit lemme die already!' they reward you with a look of dismay as if you are the crazy one!

    Liked the post. It was sincere. Remember don't let the bastards grind you down. You'll find a way to appreciate life in your own way
  6. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Im also an upfront person, Im sorry your not feeling good right now but I have to say I liked your post.

    I liked your real words on life. I can agree with you on alot of it, but one thing I cant is that there is nothing that will help.

    You have to find the right things in life that keep you satisfied that keeps you interested.

    Maybe a new med will help better, or a dosage adjustment.

    I just wanted to let you know your not alone, and I hope tomorrow is better than today.
  7. tappa

    tappa Well-Known Member

    You have so much honesty in this post i respect u so much for not holding back. Probably because of the drink and adrenaline and desperation ur feeling right now.
    But im sober, and i can connect with pretty much every word, and i doubt im the only one.
    i no how u feel to hold on for the sake of others, the guilt trip they give u.
    Wat is the most inspirational part is how many times u say u dont want to die. to feel this down and stil b able to reckonise tht want and desire for life is a great achievement in itself. Therefore - there is hope.
    and i hope u do wimp out. because it may seem pathetic and pityful and cowardly now, but in ten years time, u may jus b thankful for ur wimpish-self.
    You want to disappear, end the pain, the torture, the lacklusture life. but i stil want to live.
    and tht combination is possible. cant say i've cracked it myself yet but there are success stories.
    so lets hope we can join em.
    Im sorry the love of ur life has added more woe to ur sadness.
    but whether u believe me or not, im really glad u posted and ur in the right place :)
  8. Androgyny

    Androgyny Well-Known Member

    Heh... Well, almost a month on and I'm back. Not in crisis (not exactly rolling along swimmingly, but...), just been avoiding coming back here out of embarrassment. That and life has been very busy and starting to seem a little better. Just want to respect the replies I got by addressing each of them.

    A person after my own heart.

    Indeed. However, the thing is that I am an extremely open person. I am very honest about how I'm feeling and my opinions at all times. Anyone who knows me knows that if you don't really want to know, don't ask!

    I was drinking that night to essentially knock myself out (as I do too often). When I get down, I have immense difficulty sleeping (when I'm fine I have immense difficulty sleeping), which makes me feel worse, which makes depression much more easy to fall into and it becomes a vicious cycle that leaves me feeling seasick and so miserable I physically ache.

    It does help with communication though. While I am very open, on days when my social anxiety issues flare up, I am VERY aloof and detached; that is, if you're not close to me personally. Funnily enough, some people actually take it for snobbishness, as on better days, I'm extremely warm and friendly.

    They do understand. That was just a flagrant display of black and white thinking. *slaps forehead* Thank you for the kind words and the offer of help.

    Too much to get into now, but I guess I have stayed, and as I am frequently in this kind of zone, I will probably be around these parts from time to time. My story will out. I guess part of the reason I came here is not only because of the bad feelings, but the feeling of guilt that I'm placing way too much pressure on those closest to me.

    Thank you. Still on the anti-depressants, same dose, however... I HAD missed two doses only days before my post, and along with the other events in my life, that event conspired to bring me to one of my lowest emotional points in my entire life. Will DEFINITELY not miss another dose!

    I've been alive for 30 years actually. I first felt suicidal at age 8. I was mercilessly picked on and belittled so harshly by people that year (students AND teachers... it's a LONG story) that that was the first time I decided that I wanted to die. That feeling has never really left me.

    They don't mean to make you feel guilty. They may just not know how to cope with the situation. However, some of them might just surprise ya.

    Well, that's a little cynical. Society, I wouldn't say that, as society is filled with so many different people with different beliefs, aims, philosophies, goals... In a harsh mood, I might say that that is ABSOLUTELY true about governments and the corporate world as a structure; but even within those bounds, there are still human beings who are just trying to live life the best way they can.

    Even those who might seem evil have that behind them, they may have simply been twisted into selfish and harmful thought patterns by the life they've had. They may feel just as bad as well suicidal types, but they are externalising their pain, unlike us.

    I do agree, however, that modern life has evolved in a strange, psychotic manner that is not particularly healthy for our minds and bodies.

    Words to live by, my friend. Thank you for the kind words.

    Thank you.

    Glad to read all these words of understanding from other people. Feeling understood by others is a powerful motivator in digging ones way out of their own hell. And the "nothing will help" thing? More black and white thinking. Bad habit. Hard to catch and correct yourself when you start to REALLY freak out.

    Funny thing is, that I do. I had just lost interest in everything because my mood had removed all my drive to enjoy anything.

    Perhaps. Will discuss this with my doctor at my next appointment. Now that I am back in the cycle of taking them regularly, I am doing better overall, but I'm not totally convinced that it's working completely.

    It was. Ended up catching up with an old friend with some of my best friends and had a thoroughly wonderful evening. I guess there's a lesson there. Don't give up, you never know what lies just around the corner!

    Already addressed much of this above, but rest assured, it still applies here. Thank you for the understanding and respect.

    I know. I am fortunate that I recognised that I didn't want to die, I just didn't want to feel that intense pain anymore.

    It's not even a month on and I am!

    Couldn't agree with you more.

    Honestly, it was one of the biggest factors in bringing me to that dark place. We are talking again and there is still a lot of love there, but we are both going through immense personal difficulties that make it impossible and unwise for us to be in a healthy relationship with anyone, let alone each other.

    Even if we don't end up together again, I know I have a friend who understands me to my soul's core and will always be by my side on my journey through life.

    Thanks again, and I know I found the right place!

    Again to all posters and the admin, I give my heartfelt thanks for your words and the time you gave to read and respond to my cry for help in one of my darkest hours. I wish all the best for you and hope that none of us have to face feelings like mine again, and that if we do, we can keep all these positives in mind.

    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 19, 2011
  9. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Look into seeing your doc and get your meds changed up a bit Have you ever thought about therapy to change your mindset to get you out of the depressive times and keep you out longer
  10. Androgyny

    Androgyny Well-Known Member

    Been attending therapy on and off for about 3 and a half years now, and it HAS had a positive effect on me. I am doing things in my life I would never have felt the strength to in the past. Granted, I'm still far from being a shining example of perfect mental health, but I can definitely see major improvement when I compare my current position to where I was in 2007 when I had my first major breakdown.

    I'm a little scared to fuck with my meds, as the last time I did (not on purpose, I just got caught up in a few social gatherings and was away from home without them for two days) pushed me to the point I got to the day I posted here. Have to see my doc sometime in the next week to sort out my next round, will definitely run it by him and see what he thinks would be an appropriate course of action for me.
  11. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Good to know you are seeing your doc soon and glad to hear you have doing therapy and it has helped
  12. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I like your style of writing. I take the piss out of myself and it makes it a bit easier to read and not as draining as some. Keep up posting.

  13. Androgyny

    Androgyny Well-Known Member

    Thank you. As shallow as it might seem, that little ego stroke does me the world of good. I've always taken great pride in my writing.

    And yeah, when expressing these kind of things I still can't help but throw in a little black humour. Definitely helps me in expressing it (and worse yet, reading it back later...), and feel a bit better about presenting it to others. Always have this little voice in the back of my head reminding me that there is an audience to consider, so I musn't forget the spoonful of sugar! I'd honestly feel pretty guilty if I brought anyone else down.
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