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My child, my jailer

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#1
I love my 16 year old daughter more than anything in this world, and she loves me back equally. But more importantly, her brain is far from fully developed yet and she'll need both her mum and her dad for a good while yet. The problem is that I would prefer to die around nowi(sh).

I truly don't say this lightly, but everyone else in my life (family, friends) will eventually mend. They're all fully brain developed grown ups who will ultimately recover from my demise. My daughter won't, she'll never get over it, it would mess up her life and that would be my fault. She is the huge responsibility that became mine the moment we decided to bring her into this world. So, my little escape plan that helps me get through the worst days is merely a work of fantasy, and recently, as my depression is steadily worsening, where now any problem seems to be a trigger, I'm starting to panic as I realise I don't have a way out.

Please don't tell me to get help, as here in Spain there really isn't an acknowledged problem of depression, not one that warrants any true recognition and infrastructure of available help. I have taken SSRI's for over 10 years as an over-the-counter, head in the sand solution, and now I understand the irreparable implications of their over-use. Furthermore, the chances of my benefitting from all the recent advancements in treating depression (Ketamine, hallucinogenics etc,) are out of my reach.

I had a friend who recently left her children (14 and 20) and she loved them truly and deeply. Reflecting on this, I am forced to admit to myself that as much as I believe I am hitting rock bottom, there is still a deeper place, another level of pain that supersedes even the love for your children. The thought that I could very possibly go there terrifies me so much that I find myself asking for help/advice on a suicide forum. I am grateful that this forum exists.
 

Lekatt

Love Cats Love All
SF Supporter
#2
Would a babysitter be a possibility? Someone to watch her for a while so you can get some rest. There are some people who have learned to cope with similar situations. Dale Evans wrote a book "Angel Unaware" of her journey with such a child. I can not know how hard such a situation can become, but I can send you prayers and energy. I wish you all the best and will continue to pray. Love
 

Wispiwill

Well-Known Member
#3
I know where you're coming from (at least to an extent). I'm a parent and there have definitely been times when I KNEW that the only reason I couldn't take the way out that I had worked out was because of what it would do to my kid. I found it helped to tell myself it was only for a little while. Just x number of years or however long you think until she'll be ready (or as ready as she'll ever be).

You don't have to hang on for all of her life. Just a short while. You've already done 16 years. You can do a couple more.

I hope that helps (at least a little). Good luck.
 
#4
Sorry that you're going through this LostinSpain

You might want to try the acupressure self-massage, and the dietary recommendations in my signature links.

Acupuncture and tradtitional Chinese herbal medicine are available in Spain, but I wasn't able to find any community-style clinics, which are much less expensive.
 
#5
I had a friend who recently left her children (14 and 20) and she loved them truly and deeply. Reflecting on this, I am forced to admit to myself that as much as I believe I am hitting rock bottom, there is still a deeper place, another level of pain that supersedes even the love for your children
If you need to spend some time away from your child and the responsibilities of being a mother, that would certainly be better than making a suicide attempt.
 

Daphna

Ninja of light
#6
I love my 16 year old daughter more than anything in this world, and she loves me back equally. But more importantly, her brain is far from fully developed yet and she'll need both her mum and her dad for a good while yet. The problem is that I would prefer to die around nowi(sh).

I truly don't say this lightly, but everyone else in my life (family, friends) will eventually mend. They're all fully brain developed grown ups who will ultimately recover from my demise. My daughter won't, she'll never get over it, it would mess up her life and that would be my fault. She is the huge responsibility that became mine the moment we decided to bring her into this world. So, my little escape plan that helps me get through the worst days is merely a work of fantasy, and recently, as my depression is steadily worsening, where now any problem seems to be a trigger, I'm starting to panic as I realise I don't have a way out.

Please don't tell me to get help, as here in Spain there really isn't an acknowledged problem of depression, not one that warrants any true recognition and infrastructure of available help. I have taken SSRI's for over 10 years as an over-the-counter, head in the sand solution, and now I understand the irreparable implications of their over-use. Furthermore, the chances of my benefitting from all the recent advancements in treating depression (Ketamine, hallucinogenics etc,) are out of my reach.

I had a friend who recently left her children (14 and 20) and she loved them truly and deeply. Reflecting on this, I am forced to admit to myself that as much as I believe I am hitting rock bottom, there is still a deeper place, another level of pain that supersedes even the love for your children. The thought that I could very possibly go there terrifies me so much that I find myself asking for help/advice on a suicide forum. I am grateful that this forum exists.
You’re wrong about everyone being able to mend in time. A friend of mine from high school found his dad dead by suicide when you say his brain is developed. He’s traumatized for life. The people you leave behind will always question if it was them. They will blame themselves even if you left a detailed note explaining that it wasn’t. Then the hatred will come. They will view you as selfish because you robbed them of your presence. Especially your family. They’ll wonder why you didn’t turn to them and make it through together. Your daughter will always know that she wasn’t good enough for you to want to exist. She’ll suffer this realization and it will ruin any chance of a normal life for her. This one action can and will destroy everyone you ever cared about and possibly lead them to follow in your footsteps. Is this what you want? I doubt it.

Listen, we live in a world that is hard to understand but it’s not impossible. I’ve discovered that I was spiritually attacked and this is what led to my suicidal thoughts. This explained the heaviness on my being that I thought was depression. Accusing thoughts attacked me everyday in the most malicious of ways. I never questioned why I hated myself so much. It wasn’t me. I didn’t hate myself. I did want inner peace and change. I just didn’t understand my situation. I am alive today to share my experiences with those who suffer just like I did. I needed supernatural help for the spiritual pest that tormented me day in and day out. I got it and now I am free.
I am so grateful that I failed at ending my life. I would have never experienced living if I did. There is another way and death isn’t it. As it is, it’s the Inevitable end of all living. Please consider your options.
 

Daphna

Ninja of light
#7
I love my 16 year old daughter more than anything in this world, and she loves me back equally. But more importantly, her brain is far from fully developed yet and she'll need both her mum and her dad for a good while yet. The problem is that I would prefer to die around nowi(sh).

I truly don't say this lightly, but everyone else in my life (family, friends) will eventually mend. They're all fully brain developed grown ups who will ultimately recover from my demise. My daughter won't, she'll never get over it, it would mess up her life and that would be my fault. She is the huge responsibility that became mine the moment we decided to bring her into this world. So, my little escape plan that helps me get through the worst days is merely a work of fantasy, and recently, as my depression is steadily worsening, where now any problem seems to be a trigger, I'm starting to panic as I realise I don't have a way out.

Please don't tell me to get help, as here in Spain there really isn't an acknowledged problem of depression, not one that warrants any true recognition and infrastructure of available help. I have taken SSRI's for over 10 years as an over-the-counter, head in the sand solution, and now I understand the irreparable implications of their over-use. Furthermore, the chances of my benefitting from all the recent advancements in treating depression (Ketamine, hallucinogenics etc,) are out of my reach.

I had a friend who recently left her children (14 and 20) and she loved them truly and deeply. Reflecting on this, I am forced to admit to myself that as much as I believe I am hitting rock bottom, there is still a deeper place, another level of pain that supersedes even the love for your children. The thought that I could very possibly go there terrifies me so much that I find myself asking for help/advice on a suicide forum. I am grateful that this forum exists.
Also I have three kids. Two girls and a boy and one is a teen. Sometimes we do lose our identity as parents but we can reinvent ourselves once they become independent enough to do so. To know your daughter adores you, and then with the same sentence know that she isn’t enough... it’s heartbreaking. I’m not trying to guilt you, I’m just at a loss of how this could even be. I also don’t judge you, I’ve been through a lot in my life, but feeling the way you do in this situation with your kid; I cannot relate. This is why it’s hard for me to wrap my head around it. I pray that you seek help in prayer. It’s truly the only thing that has worked for me, and others I have met in my congregation.
 
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MosesY

Recovering Alcoholic
SF Supporter
#8
First of all, I care about you deeply and would wonder about you if you disappeared. I wonder about a lot of the people here who never come back. It seems like there is a core group of people here who wish to help others and then there are people whose situation is so bad they just want to end it. With your experience if you find a way to work through it you could help people who really need advice. That would give meaning to your life.

Your daughter gives meaning to your life now. She loves you. Even when her brain is fully developed she still would feel like you abandoned her if you end your life. She would not understand it. To be given life as a gift, an amazing person with mental physical and spiritual facets and then to not want that gift is never understood by those who are left behind. Those people go on with their lives but they always wonder about the one piece that is missing now. When I was growing up we had a neighbor that was a policeman. His wife's name was Joyce. We baby sat their two daughters sometimes and we were good friends with that family. The mother, Joyce, ended her life. I will never forget that. It is 40 years later and I still remember my parents talking about that, the pain experienced by Ron, her husband. Her children were not old enough to fully understand that but they realized soon that their mother would never come home again.

I care about you, I understand the place you are in right now (I have been there myself). But suicide is not really the answer. I believe the answer is to find things you enjoy doing so you can offset the balance with the bad that is your life now. You need some good in your life every day to offset the bad. I want to give you a hug and let you cry on my shoulder and I really wish I could make things better for you.
 
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