I love my 16 year old daughter more than anything in this world, and she loves me back equally. But more importantly, her brain is far from fully developed yet and she'll need both her mum and her dad for a good while yet. The problem is that I would prefer to die around nowi(sh).
I truly don't say this lightly, but everyone else in my life (family, friends) will eventually mend. They're all fully brain developed grown ups who will ultimately recover from my demise. My daughter won't, she'll never get over it, it would mess up her life and that would be my fault. She is the huge responsibility that became mine the moment we decided to bring her into this world. So, my little escape plan that helps me get through the worst days is merely a work of fantasy, and recently, as my depression is steadily worsening, where now any problem seems to be a trigger, I'm starting to panic as I realise I don't have a way out.
Please don't tell me to get help, as here in Spain there really isn't an acknowledged problem of depression, not one that warrants any true recognition and infrastructure of available help. I have taken SSRI's for over 10 years as an over-the-counter, head in the sand solution, and now I understand the irreparable implications of their over-use. Furthermore, the chances of my benefitting from all the recent advancements in treating depression (Ketamine, hallucinogenics etc,) are out of my reach.
I had a friend who recently left her children (14 and 20) and she loved them truly and deeply. Reflecting on this, I am forced to admit to myself that as much as I believe I am hitting rock bottom, there is still a deeper place, another level of pain that supersedes even the love for your children. The thought that I could very possibly go there terrifies me so much that I find myself asking for help/advice on a suicide forum. I am grateful that this forum exists.
I truly don't say this lightly, but everyone else in my life (family, friends) will eventually mend. They're all fully brain developed grown ups who will ultimately recover from my demise. My daughter won't, she'll never get over it, it would mess up her life and that would be my fault. She is the huge responsibility that became mine the moment we decided to bring her into this world. So, my little escape plan that helps me get through the worst days is merely a work of fantasy, and recently, as my depression is steadily worsening, where now any problem seems to be a trigger, I'm starting to panic as I realise I don't have a way out.
Please don't tell me to get help, as here in Spain there really isn't an acknowledged problem of depression, not one that warrants any true recognition and infrastructure of available help. I have taken SSRI's for over 10 years as an over-the-counter, head in the sand solution, and now I understand the irreparable implications of their over-use. Furthermore, the chances of my benefitting from all the recent advancements in treating depression (Ketamine, hallucinogenics etc,) are out of my reach.
I had a friend who recently left her children (14 and 20) and she loved them truly and deeply. Reflecting on this, I am forced to admit to myself that as much as I believe I am hitting rock bottom, there is still a deeper place, another level of pain that supersedes even the love for your children. The thought that I could very possibly go there terrifies me so much that I find myself asking for help/advice on a suicide forum. I am grateful that this forum exists.