My Children's Reaction

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by YorkMorgan, Aug 28, 2014.

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  1. YorkMorgan

    YorkMorgan Member

    You could say simply because I am thinking of other people, that is all the more reason to stay alive. Sadly, that is not the case. Telling my story may be therapeutic for me, but it doesn't help my situation for others to know. Selfish and Stubborn, I know...

    My biggest concern is what will happen to my 2 young sons. One is 3 1/2 and the other 1 1/2. I have not seen them as much as I would like due to the circumstances in my life, but I want to know what will happen. Will their mother one day tell them why and how I killed myself. Will they even remember me. Will the event be too traumatic to their mother that she might kill herself, or erase my name from the pages of history. While it doe's bother me to be leaving my children behind, maybe grasping how the next 16+ years of their lives will be.
     
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi YorkMorgan. I do not normally, or pretty much ever respond to people's posts here. But I feel its important to respond to this. When people are feeling suicidal it is common that we think our loved ones will somehow get over it. Or we may wonder how or if they will be impacted to a great degree. Somehow with suicide it augments the loss. What people are left with is greater pain than with normal death. I say this not to cause you more pain. But because it is something that people usually do not realize. When death chooses us the pain for our loved ones is horrible and often insurmountable. When we choose death, the pain for the loved ones is what I described to a whole other level.

    So I think your concerns are actually well founded. My response is based on all the people I have known who are survivors of family members who suicided. Even when the person was not living under the same roof. The impact was an ever enduring nightmare for them. I wish I could tell you what you want to hear. But I can only say what I have heard from many people here. And yes, it does cause the survivors to often become suicidal themselves. btw, glad you are here. Its a good place to have joined.
     
  3. jell

    jell Well-Known Member

    I just want to say i have 4 children and got very unwell when my daughter was born 11 years ago i tried to keep it together and it all fell apart, i tried to hold on and fell from a great height. so thats the start of the journey of my suicidal actions once again and this time i had a 9, 4, 2 year old boys and newborn daughter. when my daughter was two i ended up being in hospital that was 2005 feb and i didn't come out until 2011 july so you can see how bad i felt about my relationship with my children, they lived with there dad and my eldest my parents. the youngest with his parents from 8 months till 18 months then her dad. i also worried how it would affect them. there father wasn't the kind of person to keep quiet about my attempts and sh. I still struggle and sometimes think it would be better for my kids if i wasn't here.Ok that was then can i tell you what they are like now............

    My eldest is 20 the next 16 today then 13 and 11. they are kind compassionate understanding and like to help others, my eldest has got engaged, i talk to all my children, my 13 year old decided he wanted to live with me. I have said to each one of them they can ask me anything and appropriate to there age i tell them what they want to know. I encourage them to love life and follow there dreams, I've explained what drugs can do, how alcohol can affect people and how its not good to keep things inside but better to talk about there issues.

    When they were younger I was frightened they would go off the rails, hate me, and think i deserted them as i didn't love them enough. My eldest recently said to me........"mum you have always been my constant" this made me cry as i thought how could i be his constant when i have attempted suicide, sh and left them when they were young.

    I only wanted to tell you this as you are in pain I see that, if you do commit suicide your children will be upset, i have lost ppl and the devastating effect it has on others is crazy and never goes away I hope you find the strength to keep going but i just wanted to tell you my story to show that even though the shit i have put on my kids i couldn't have hoped for more, they are typical kids but less judgemental, more compassionate and they all are so happy when they see me i have a relationship with them that i couldn't ever have dreamed of even if i had been with them physically 100 % of their lives, sending you hugs.
     
  4. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    There are many people on here that mention the suicide of a parent- even one they never really knew - as a reason they themselves are suicidal depressed. The only thing your children would know of you is that you killed yourself and their own imaginations would fill in the reason why soon after you had children you decided it to kill yourself - the scars similar to but more traumatic than divorce or leaving them - basically that you would rather die then be around them.

    Sorry if that sounds harsh - but it will take very little reading for you to discover the truth of this. You might find it more helpful to talk about why you think suicide is your best option than look for reassurance that it will not harm others because it most certainly will harm others. What is going in in your life that is causes your pain right now?
     
  5. YorkMorgan

    YorkMorgan Member

    I want to commit suicide because my family is all that I ever wanted. I've compromised my entire life, and then compromised even more once we had children. Losing the love of my life and my children is something I never wanted to happen. I would do anything to get them back, and to have my life again. Sadly, that doesn't seem like it is going to happen...

    If anyone could help me get that back, I would be indebted to you
     
  6. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    I wonder if you wouldn't be open to the possibility of one day, meeting a new woman, making her your wife, and starting another family? Perhaps it all seems so impossible now... But that might be something that helps with what you're suffering over. And no matter what happens with the mother of your children, in terms of any reconciliation, you still have the tremendous opportunity to play an enormously influential role in their lives. Would that not be enough? A very unfair question, I know... But if you decide to go, then you'll never know (about the family). You'd eliminate any chance you have at rekindling the romance & regaining your stature. Or beginning anew... Sorry, that's the best I can do!
     
  7. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Your children are always going to be yours. Even if you're not with their mother anymore, those kids still need you.

    A friend that I've known for years lost his mother due to suicide when he was around 9 years old. That loss continues to hurt him tremendously today. It's one of the main reasons he's suicidal now, that he's been in therapy off and on for over 20 years. Time passes, but he said the pain never really eases or lets up. He feels he wasn't enough to make his mother want to stay, or that he was possibly the reason she committed in the first place.
     
  8. YorkMorgan

    YorkMorgan Member

    Do you think if I presented her with an engagement ring, she would say yes? The last time we talked, she said something that really resonated with me.

    "I'm too old for this. I can't be playing games anymore"
     
  9. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Can you explain more of what happened? You've said you lost your family, but we don't know much of the situation. If you'd rather not post here, feel free to PM me. Without knowing more of the details, I'm not sure how to answer what you posted about the engagement ring.
     
  10. YorkMorgan

    YorkMorgan Member

    It's a rather long story, but I'll try to summarize it the best I can.

    We broke up on June 15th in the middle of the night. I had just put our oldest son to bed on the couch, and was on my computer. My ex had gone to bed early because she had work the next morning, and she wasn't feeling well. For whatever reason, I got this strange feeling in my gut as though something was wrong. So I went into the bedroom to check on her and noticed that her phone was blinking. Since it was 11:32 in the middle of the night, I felt obligated to check it. There was a past incident in which it made me insecure, so that was my justification.

    All it text said was "?"

    There were no previous text's saved, so I couldn't get the rest of the conversation. I took her phone and went back into the living room an attempted to make contact with this person, but nothing worked. So, I woke her up and asked her what was going on, and of course she immediately denied it and wasn't sure who or what it was, so I continued to press the issue. After a few minutes of me gradually getting more aggravated and my voice getting louder, she told me it was a "friend" she met at work, and they've only been talking a few days. I asked her if they were just friends, why she was talking to him in the middle of the night, and then deleted all the texts. Getting more information about that was not going to happen, so I sort of lost it.

    I took the phone and threatened to cut it in half if she didn't tell me, and I of course didn't do that, but called him and left a message. The message was basically "I don't know who you are, but stay away unless you want to do this the hard way". We were standing in the kitchen and she told me I had no right to react this way and that I was crazy if she wasn't allowed to have friends at work, and that I was over reacting. I then replied with "You mean over react like I did when you kissed my brother" to which she said "That was different" and I slapped her. Not hard but not soft. I didn't even leave a mark. But later on she said that when I slapped her it was like a light bulb went off.

    She went downstairs to her mothers apartment and stayed there that night, and in that apartment with the kids for the next month. In that time, she continued to talk to this guy at work, they began a "relationship" and had sex, which she told me about willingly around the time I told her I had found a new job, and a new place to live. She told me that he wasn't talking to her for unknown reasons, and that he had a OK Cupid profile and was talking to other girls. So in a deep despair, I asked a friend to help me find him on there, and to make contact with him.

    She did so, and they talked. He told her that he didn't want to be involved in any of this drama and he wasn't sure why he kept getting dragged back into this. I can't take his word for anything considering the most recent of events, but I have to assume he may of been telling the truth, and was just using her to get laid. My ex was very upset that I interfered with her "new love life" so I tried to make amends on that front. Because it didn't help her cause, she was not happy with me. Fast forward two weeks later, and I was getting ready to move. I packed up my furniture and knocked on the door to her mothers house to see my oldest son. After some time and effort of knocking, she came to the door and told me to leave. She called the cops and lied claiming I threatened to kick the door in and hurt her if she didn't let me see the kids. That is the furthest thing from the truth.

    So the cops told me to go file a PFA and recommended the same to the grandmother. I went down to the court house in which I found my ex there doing the same thing. The court granted her the PFA on August 5th, with a trial on the 14th. On the 14th, after spending a large amount of money on a lawyer, I was able to see my kids again, and get the PFA reduced to text only and a 2 month continuation. In that time, I found out she was talking to another guy, and was doing so regularly almost every minute of every day. Of course I didn't say anything about that. Until recently.

    Like previously, she said I didn't know who it was, and have my facts wrong, and its just a friend that makes her laugh in this time of sorrow. I then found out yesterday she was talking to that first guy that caused all of these problems again, and it put me where I am now. So, I'm not leaving out too many facts that might change the opinion of this situation, but I just want my family back. She is the one woman I searched for my entire life, and made a family with her. I want her back, but I can't compromise not having my family
     
  11. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    One thing that stood out in what you posted was the part where you said something about her kissing your brother. If that occurred, no wonder you felt suspicious

    Just going on instinct... I'd say you had good reasons not to trust her. Chances are, if you were to get back together with her, the same thing would continue to happen. A relationship has to have trust, and could you really trust her? If you can't trust her, there's no point in presenting her with an engagement ring.

    You can still be a part of your kids' lives. You'll have rights when it comes to them. But you deserve a relationship built on trust.
     
  12. YorkMorgan

    YorkMorgan Member

    Well the ring is bought, and I am about 6 hours away from my fate. If she says yes, which I doubt, I'll have been given a chance to make everything right. When she says no, I'll probably pawn the ring, and move my time table up to tomorrow.
     
  13. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Please let us know how things went.
     
  14. YorkMorgan

    YorkMorgan Member

    She gave me the cold shoulder. <mod edit - methods>
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 29, 2014
  15. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    Unfortunately I saw the unedited post a few minutes ago. I don't have a right to butt in and try to talk tough. The thing is, people here care about your fate, YorkMorgan. But attempts to offer assessment and advice online usually don't work too well. I think you should seek help from a professional. You are of course welcome to post, and what you say will be valued by readers. But suicidal emotions are too big to deal with alone, or over a computer connection.

    Best wishes to you. You always deserve the best in life.

    :butterfly4:
     
  16. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    YorkMorgan, I hope you will continue to post here. This has been a very important resource and place for many who feel suicidal. Of course if you can seek help that would be great. You would say that to someone else,I am sure. But I hope you continue to post here. I do, I do. Please keep trying. please keep writing here. I care
     
  17. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    I know it's not easy when you've spent a lengthy period of time with one person (enough time to have children at that). My view is, however, a little less sympathetic over the situation, given that you've said you raised your hand to her in a heated exchange over her kissing your brother. Can you blame her for wanting to protect herself from someone she never thought would do such a thing (if you'd never done it before)? Has it changed her view of you? Of course it has. So you're not likely to make amends in that way, something like that stays with people (there is a sub forum with "Abuse" in it - worth a read through to see how people react to various levels of varying types of abuse and how it affects them).

    One other thing I would note - is that if a partner had just friends, why would they delete all the messages from their phone? I don't know many people these days who would clear all messages unless they were hiding something. Especially if it takes you getting a little heated to get any answer from her about it (not that you have a right to know every detail of her life, but it wouldn't help any paranoia/anxiety issues for her to be so guarded and secretive over it). Not only that, if she has kissed your brother its laid seeds of doubt in your mind - and actions speak louder than words.

    The whole combination set up the potential "proposal" to be more susceptible to not being accepted.

    In short, what you've given us is a very one sided perspective about how things are bad for you/what you want but can't get back - when you yourself have done something that in this day and age, would end most relationships - violence is never the answer. Sorry if I don't sound as supportive as the rest, but dwell on it and it will have negative effect on all. You did what you did, it cost you your love of your life. And you cannot tell how your children would react to what you decide to do, should you succeed at suicide you wouldn't ever get to find out. So for the time being, while it does hurt like hell, your best bet is to be the best you can be for your children, be there for them and get a grip/move on with life. Sounds very harsh, I know, but can you honestly expect someone to be accepting of a hand raised in anger towards them? Your kids don't deserve to be without a parent through this because of differences you have with your kids mum. I have a 10 year old cousin going through counselling because my uncle (his dad), took his own life in January.
     
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