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My Cognitive-Distorted Life

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I dont even know if this is the right forum to post on. There is something in my life that I've dealt with since my childhood and Im not even really sure what it is. When I was a kid, I use to taunt my mom a lot. I use to push her and push her and push her, and tell her she didnt love me when she got mad. I would throw all of the things I loved and break them, smash toys, and feel Terrible after, but felt an overwhelming sense of control while breaking them. As I got older into my early teens, my parents divorced. I didnt give a crap really because my dad was verbally abusive and a control freak at the time before he turned into mister stoner peaceful hippie man, so I was happy for my mom. At the same time she started to date again right away, which made me so jealous of her boyfriends that they would take her away from me so I started to act out again. Id stay up all night, cry, draw on the walls, blast music and try to choke myself and do stupid things so that I wouldnt have to go to school and be made fun of by my rich, snobbish junior high counterparts.Then my dad stole custody of me and my sisters, and I had to be raised by him all over again all throughout my teens and I went through an identity crisis. I wanted to be a boy, I hated my looks which I still do, I dont even know how to dress feminine or look sexy. Im not gay nor a lesbian, I love men. I just dont know how to be a woman hence, grown up now.

Ever since then I've somehow relied on other people to feel achievable to feel like I can accomplish things or feel good about myself. The problem with that is, I am always let down. The first love of my life, I pushed him and pushed him and pushed him because I was so insecure that I was ugly and that he would ultimately find a woman from his country to marry ANYHOW in the end, so I tried testing his love over and over to which he sent me away to my parents house practically in a package with a break up email message.
I was in depression for a year after that. I refuse meds. All meds. I dont smoke, nor drink, nor do drugs, nor eat a lot. Im afraid of these things. I dont like toxins. But i stayed in bed a lot, for a year, I endured sciatica and my body became so skinny and my face became gaunt. I tried dating another guy again, only to turn out his mother hated me for no reason and I had to break it off due to the distance. I have another boyfriend now, but I have my insecurities with him as well. I gained the lost weight back and am healthy now but I dont feel any better about myself, im 5 ft 5 1/2 and weigh 127 lbs but I dont care.

I just feel so terrible about myself. I think I am the ugliest thing alive, I hate my face, Im 26 and already showing signs of aging (fine lines and dark circles) I hate my body, I dont feel like being fake by going to tanning salons and getting fake nails and stupid pretentious sh!t done to my body to impress others. I always look at other beautiful hot girls and compare myself to them. Its worse that my new boyfriend is also foreign and I feel Ill never live up to, nor compare to his women and family. I feel like nothing but white trash. Sure, I do good things in life. I always help others when they need it, I go to work when they need someone extra. I hate my job as well because customers are so fake, they are rude to me and act like I am at their mercy. I have an associates degree but that doesnt get me anything but a minimum wage job. I am working towards a bachelors but its for psychology and heck, Im the one that needs a psychologist. I dont care about those things. Im 26 anyways and I feel like an idiot, I havent gotten my degree until now and I dont even own a car or a lisense. I am so disconnected from my family as well. I talk to my mom once in a while but then when I talk to her all i do is complain about my looks or stupid things. I havent called my father in over 7 months and I feel I dont care to. All i think about is pessimistic thoughts. I think about how the world is full of hate, about the war in Iraq, about Saddam's hanging, about the soldiers and civilians lost, about how food is too expensive, about how FAKE people are... its making me CRAZY! And at work I always have to hide everything in behind a smiling face.

I dont have any outlet. As I noted i dont drink or smoke or have any self destructive behavior, nor do I want prescriptive drugs. I had a friend I use to chat to online and he ALWAYS listened to me and gave advice and I FELT SO happy talking to him, it was as if he was my counselor and best friend but he dissapeared somehow due to a internet loss and now I feel more lonely than ever. I try to talk to my bf but he says Im not depressed and im afraid if i tell him all of this , it will just push him away like my ex, and he will think im nuts. I dont want to commit suicide although sometimes I fantacize about it although im too chicken to even touch a knife or a gun, but I just want to become like those other girls I saw dancing at a new years party last night, smiling, confident, happy, and loving their family and friends. I feel I have nothing. Even if i have a bf and family. Nothing.


Active Member
Poor Atlas, forever holding the heavens on his back.

I think that the biggest thing that could help you is to not focus on the things that you can't change. I think it would alleviate a lot of stress if you were able to stop worrying about things that you have no control over. I think there's much more you can do for the world if you can find your place in it. Getting rid of that added stress may slow the aging process too! :biggrin:

Captain Obvious tells me that you have very very very very low self-esteem. You may be more affectionate-needy than more girls and thats not really a bad thing. I think the fact that you've had boyfriends should prove to you that you are attractive. You can't compare yourself to other people fairly because you can never be them. You will be more attractive if you have confidence in your appearance, trust me. You can't be a celebrity chimera either, no matter what you will never look the way you want to. You can only look like yourself, and for some people that will be more beautiful than Miss Universe.

Don't worry about not having your liscense or degree yet. I don't have mine either yet and its not very uncommon. If your job is really that unbearable, start looking around for something better. Ask friends if they know of any openings where they work.

I've only read this post of yours and I find you very admirable. I can see that you really want to make the world a better place but before you can do that you have to make a better you for the world, first. You are a shining example that there is still good left in these dark times. Because of that, I already know that you are beautiful without having to see a picture of you. Never quit being you and it will work out. :clap:
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