My Confession...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SweetVitriol, Jan 11, 2008.

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  1. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    I guess this is my confession to people I do not know..I just need to get this off my chest as it is slowly eating away at me and I do not know how much longer I can keep this up..
    Nearly four months ago I broke down at work and was signed off sick..The guilt and anger slowly subsided but in it's place was left a void..An emptiness like I had never experienced before.At first I filled it with sleeping pills and solitude, but as the weeks drew on I realised that something had changed..Not being at work removed a large chunk of my identity..
    I know that this may sound strange to you but as a nurse I have dedicated years to my training and practice, so not being there rips my heart apart..

    I have tried the "One day at a time" method of handling my depression and as I write this I am still trying to hang on, hoping that my life will return to some semblance of normality..But sitting in my desk are a stockpile of meds which I know will be enough to end everything and I am running out of reasons not to take them..I no longer feel guilty at leaving my family behind and in my heart I know that I have stayed here as long as I can..I cannot cope with this world anymore.

    I just needed to confess to someone that I am sorry..Sorry for all the anquish I shall cause, sorry that I cannot exist in this world and sorry for those who will have to clear up my mess afterwards..

    This is my confession..I wanted someone to hear it before I go and I thank you for allowing me to.
  2. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    You're definitely in a bad state. I am too. PM me if you feel like talking. If I don't get back to you right away, I definitely will in a couple hours. I'm gonna take a nap...
  3. Reki

    Reki Well-Known Member

    It sounds rough, if you'd like, maybe you could tell everyone what it is that's bothering you, what's causing it? It might feel like it's too much to put into words or that no one wants to hear about your life but that's exactly what we're here for and that's exactly what we want to hear :). You sound like an intelligent woman, (I know men can be nurses as well so if that's the case I apologise) it would be a shame for you to go filled with your sorrows all bottled up. It might make you feel better, if only a little.
  4. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    I wish I could articulate what I am feeling, but words fail me..
    It is 4 am and despite the sleeping pills and anti-depressants I am still wide awake so maybe this is not the best time to try and put this into perspective..All I know is that I do not belong here...Nothing makes sense anymore.
    I shudder at the cruel and unjust world I live in..That I cannot look another person in the eye and feel anything..Not even love. After years of caring for others I finally realise that I do not care whether I live or die. Just writing that makes me feel so inhuman.

    I cannot cry anymore..I cannot even summon the anger that has preserved me for so long. I just feel like an empty shell, a burnt out husk of a human being that has no right to be here.

    My post was a confession, nothing more..I thank those who have offered me support in these dark days and hope that they can find the strength and will I am so sorely lacking..

    This site has given me solence and for that I thank you all..
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    After all those years of caring for others, it is your turn. You need to be cared for. what was the cause of your breakdown? was it work related? I know it is difficult watching people you physically care for sometimes not pull through. You are trained not to get emotionally attached, but there are those patients that pull at your heartstrings anyway. Is there a chance you can go back to work? Set a goal for yourself and strive to attain it. maybe that can give you a purpose to survive. :hug:
  6. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    It is not the patients who pass away who trouble me..It is the system which denigrates them to nothing more that statistics and figures...I accept that death is as natural as being born but the way the system treats these people is shameful..And I no longer want to be seen as part of that system..

    I understand when you say that it is my turn to be cared for but I cannot accept that..For all these years I have relied on no one and now does not seem like the time to start be relient on others..As for returning to work, I have tried twice now and both times I broke down within an hour of being on the unit, causing embaressment to my workmates and to my self...

    I know I have done amazing things in this life..I have touched thousands of peoples lives and given others the strength to carry on even when all hope seemed lost..But I have stayed as long as I can..I have given all I can give..
  7. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    After 3 days with no sleep I feel at my wits end..
    I've just returned from an occupational health appointment at work and I managed to convince them to allow me to return to my unit on a 2 day week..And all I can think about is getting the meds to complete my cocktail..

    I have finally managed to get my affairs in order and have given away most of my possessions excluding those I have specified in my will..The acquaintencies I have made have been severed and all that remains now is to grab enough pills once I return to work next week..

    The most frightening part of all this is just how calm I feel..It is like I have some degree of peace at last...
  8. justgettinby

    justgettinby Well-Known Member

    I know that it isn't what you want to hear, but think about the lives that you will be affecting if you do this. You said you had a family. And I'm sure they, along with the rest of your family and friends, would be devastated if you kill yourself. You could be destroying not only your life but theirs. It's hard to live for other people, but that's what I am doing. And once you accept that killing yourself would be too selfish an act, you can begin looking for additional reasons to live.
  9. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    I have lived for others for so long now..I feel like I have given all I can to my family, my patients and the acquaintencies I have made, there is nothing left to give...The tank is empty.

    For the first time in my life I am going to be selfish...
  10. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    Still sleep won't find me..I feel like I am buzzing like a fridge..
  11. Shogun

    Shogun Well-Known Member

    I wished I had the right words to say, because you don't deserve to suffer like this, but I'm useless with words and in situations like these at times. But I have to say something because I have read the entire thread and feel touched by your story.

    What I will say is I understand that you feel at peace now that you have made your decision, I'm in that same place myself. You've given away your possessions, but that doesn't mean you have to go through with anything, possessions are easily replaced, a life isn't. I think you have given more than your fair share to helping people, I think there's a different road to explore rather than suicide, another profession perhaps? I don't think people realise how much working in the medical profession can take out of someone, I know I can never understand that myself. Have you tried counselling? We're all human and all need it at times.

    Just trying to help...
  12. ggg456

    ggg456 Guest

    Sweet Vitriol-

    I hear you. You have lived for others too long. You've cared and cared and like you say, the tank is empty. A lot of women I know are nurses, my girlfriend's mother's "home" is her work- she prefers it there rather than in her house.

    I hear your feelings about the system that you don't want to be a part of.

    Do you feel that anyone loves you, or cares or has even listened to you?

    What frightens you about relying on someone for the very natural need for some comfort and respite from your feelings of depression and despair? There are doctors and therapists who will listen to you. If you don't like the ones in the system then there are counsellors working outside of it.

    There are ways of feeling better, of stepping out of the intensity that you're in; perhaps talking about your work with the help of a theraputic relationship with a counsellor, without resorting to killing yourself. I do however, hear how much you feel this is the only option available to you at this point and that you are seriously considering killing yourself. There are options available to you other than suicide, although this might seem a bit far fetched at the moment given how low you're feeling.

    Last edited: Jan 15, 2008
  13. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    Firstly I want to thank all the members who have read and replied to this thread..By knowing there are others out who can relate to what I am going through makes it slightly easier (Although I feel so much pain for all of you)

    In answer to the above, yes I have tried councilling, both personal and work related but with each session I find more ammunition to beat myself up with...Right now I cannot stand to be around myself..The only time I feel of any worth is when I am caring for others and in that respect this site has preserved me..To all of you whom I have talked to, I thank you..

    I finally collapsed in the small hours of this morning into a restless sleep..The dreams I have scare me..I have never been one to remember dreams but in the past months I have been having vivid technocolour dreams which leave me in tears when I wake..I want to blot them out but they keep coming back.The sleeping pills no longer work and I fear sleep more than I loathe myself..

    I long to feel peace in my soul and I know the only way I can find that is either to become an overmedicated zombie or through ending this painful existance...I no longer feel the guilt that I used to have about leaving my family behind, I know that staying would cause more pain for them than my departure and even the guilt of the asking my father to bury his youngest no longer seems enough to stop this.

    My life is becoming a landslide and I am buried beneath it.
  14. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    How to kill a living thing.
    Neglect it
    Criticise it to it's face
    Say how it kills the light
    Traps all the rubbish
    Bores you with it's green

    Hardens the heart
    Cut it down close
    To the root as possible

    Forget it
    For a week or a month
    Return with an axe
    Split it with one blow
    Insert a stone

    To keep the wound wide open

    - Eibhlin Nic Eochaidh -​
  15. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    Back from my 3 day escape and decided to stop taking my meds..I don't see the point as I know it is going to end..and besides, I think they are contributing to my moods..I had to laugh as when I went to renew my prescription, the Dr gave me a shed load of temazepam (!) All the more to add to the supply..

    Things started getting scary whilst away when I got stoned...The voices started getting louder..none of them said anything nasty but they were there..For a day all I could hear was a multitude behind my eyes and now I am scared..On Monday I return to work on reduced hours and all I can think about is getting them damn pills..
  16. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    That's a beautiful poem by Eibhlin, I surely know how that feels. I don't have much to say that other people haven't already said, except you are not alone in this pain. Can you hang on for just a bit longer? It's the depression that lies to us when it says everyone would be "better off" without us. I find no other way to put it, but it is most definitely a lie. Please call your therapist. Tell him/her the truth. Don't sugar coat it, tell them what you have planned. I know you are tired, but keep fighting. Keep fighting.
  17. An Angel in Black

    An Angel in Black Well-Known Member

    Youre an incredible person, and youre the kind of person i want to be. Ive always tried to help people, but most of the time i fail to help anyone. I also have never relied on anyone, but lately ive grown so far away from my family i lone for someone to be with me, to love me. but all those years helping people, i remember you cheered me on as well, which is something i can never repay you back for. i dont think ive ever been treated so kind as to have someone actually listen to me when i talk. your heart is big, and youre loved for that. youre loved by the people that look forward everyday to seeing your smiling face, your loved by everyone on this forum, and youre loved by many others as well. i know this may be a little selfish, but id love to get to be one of your better friends...?
  18. forlorn

    forlorn Staff Alumni

    Relief is a feeling you have to be alive to feel, so no relief in death then. I think your mind is tricking into believing you want death, your resources for dealing with pain have been surpassed and you just want relief from the pain. Its hard to tell someone to keep on going, keep on believing, when you dont believe it yourself but nurses do a great job. You do a rewarding Job. Real happiness is giving, you have the chance to help others and others are worth living for.

    I hope and pray i helped you
  19. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    Thank you Forlorn,Black and Dazzle...Yours words always help and as always the people in the forum are also helping...

    Something written above stuck a chord..The line about my resources for coping being surpassed..I guess that would explain the absence of any feelings but still I no longer wish to be part of this machine..I just do not recognise the world around me nor the people who populate it..

    All I have ever asked for is the right to live a good life but even that seems to be impossible in this modern world...I live in a society that has the most CCTV cameras, thugish police that will not hesitate to use the boot or the baton...And now I am told that to protest within a Km of Parliament, the seat of our democracy I have to have police permission..It is like 1984 only late (Something English travellers will appreciate as the hallmark of our society)
    Last week I was manhandled by the cops again whilst protesting near Downing St and it was then that I realised I lived in a world that cared more about profilts than people..Little numbers that do not exist beyond flashing pixels on a screen matter more than a human being..That city fatcats making those imaginary figures dance for their masters earn more in a bonus than I will make from 50yrs of practicing as a staff nurse..but it doesn't mattere anymore..

    All I have to do is stay calm..listen to the voices and keep my mask high..
    If I can make it through the next couple of days I will be one step closer to my goal...
  20. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    I am sorry..I am rambling..

    "And all these moments will be lost, in time
    Like tears in the rain..."
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