My Confession...

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mortdesinos

Well-Known Member
#21
I have lived for others for so long now..I feel like I have given all I can to my family, my patients and the acquaintencies I have made, there is nothing left to give...The tank is empty.

For the first time in my life I am going to be selfish...
No matter how much time and energy you have given to others instead of yourself, it's not too late to put yourself first. Don't put anyone on a pedestal. You're just as deserving as everyone else. Depression is taking away what is driving you to move forward. It's not you that's the problem, it's mental illness. Keep fighting it. Sometimes going through the wrath of despair is part of life, but there is more. Keep riding the waves until you feel you are getting control of your life.
 
#23
its alright. all the world is as it is and forever shall be... at least for the span of our lives.

if you cannot accept the world around you dont be afriad to take the appropriate steps what ever they may lead to

emptiness is so much more berable than cumulative suffering.


if you are even able to find some superficial medium of any sort then you have my envy.

just know that for some of us taking steps means only to struggle in quicksand we were born doomed to a fate and we suffer it till we sink.

if medication can save you take it. dont forsake a single loving hand if it streaches out to you... if not for youre self than for those who are too ugly and stupid and boring to be of interest to others.

there are those who were cast out even before they left the womb.

they tried to give us a false hope and it only served to dismember what defences we could have had. and now that we are aware of them in our later years those of us who are among our age will not accept us unless we are faceless and distant.... left to wallow in our own pain til we go mad.
 
#24
i suppose i will share a poem aswell
even though it pains me more to write such things.... to think these feeling are what lays at the bottom of my heart, only confirms my fate and its foreshadowing...

i call this: Soul Scars

in a time when all meaning was lost before hope
not even rest could be found in the hang mans rope

nothing would change
no corrected tears

with all things estragned
just forsaken years

Tracing the scars
like a blind mans braille

so many to feel for just for one word... "Fail"
 

SweetVitriol

Antiquitie's Friend
#25
<Mod Edit - Abacus21 - quotes deleted post>
Flatearth..I am flattered (!) by your post but I cannot accept your offer.. The choice to leave this world is mine and mine alone..I cannot take responcibility for another any more..
This does not mean that I do not care...I need this more than you can possibly imagine.. I has taken years to reach this point where I am ready to leave my family but I cannot have your death on my concience.

You haven't told me your story..Why do you want to tie your life to someone you have never met? Why do you care if this stranger lives or dies?

If you want to talk to me hon, drop me a PM but I cannot change my plans..
 
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SweetVitriol

Antiquitie's Friend
#26
Well I return to work on reduced hours today..For the first time in months I am gonna slip on my scrubs and do what I do best....And at last I have access to the meds cupboard..
It is hard to express what I am feeling...Fear, Anxiety, stomach cramping doubts..Spent most of last night listening to the voices and they are still humming away in the background as I write...

By tonight I will know if I am set on this path I created..

The Cure

Not the laying on of hands,
Healing bones and hearts,
Not flowers, protease inhibitiors,pills for the pain,
Not a prayer for the dying,
For you, for us,
Not crying yet.

Tonight only the clock,
Each condensed second one tiny grain,
In one thousand parts
of rain.

Nick Drake
 

Hazel

SF & Antiquitie's Friend
Staff Alumni
#27
SweetVitriol, I feel your pain, I hear the anguish in your words, you go back to work today, you will be wearing scrubs, does this mean you work in theatre or Intensive care? Neither of these units will have many oral drugs, does this mean you are going to steal IV or IM drugs?
Surely these will be very closely monitored especially if you are considering controlled drugs. What I am saying is apart from the damage these will do to you, do you really want to blemish your career in this way? This is not the answer SweetVitriol, be honest with occupational health, tell them how you really feel, get the help you so need.
 

SweetVitriol

Antiquitie's Friend
#28
SweetVitriol, I feel your pain, I hear the anguish in your words, you go back to work today, you will be wearing scrubs, does this mean you work in theatre or Intensive care? Neither of these units will have many oral drugs, does this mean you are going to steal IV or IM drugs?
Surely these will be very closely monitored especially if you are considering controlled drugs. What I am saying is apart from the damage these will do to you, do you really want to blemish your career in this way? This is not the answer SweetVitriol, be honest with occupational health, tell them how you really feel, get the help you so need.
Hazel...I thank you for your concerns..Having just returned from my first day back at work I still feel so confused..As much as I love my job and my patients, I still feel so set on this course...

To answer your questions, I work in an ITU setting specialising in cardiac surgery recovery, so we have plenty of script-only meds which do not fall under the controlled drugs heading, mostly in IV/IM form but also in oral...And even if I was able to obtain controlled drugs, the effect on my career (Should I fail) will be just the same as if I used the meds I have now (As they are prescription only and I have stolen them, then attempted suicide which is enough alone to get me stuck off the register)...

I have no reason to think I will fail Hazel..I know my pharmacology and physiology so well that I defy this to fail...But it is not a course I take lightly..Since my first attempt aged eleven I have known that I do not belong in this world...It is alien to me, as are most of it's inhabitants...It is devoid of emotion, bereft of worth and lacking in merit..

It is the world WE helped to form..We sat idly by as the few ruled the many..And now I choose to opt out..

Today I obtained the final piece of my method...All that remains now is the tying of loose ends and the final words to those I love..I know that I have to hang on for a little while longer to achieve my goals, but at least the people I leave behind will understand.
 

Hazel

SF & Antiquitie's Friend
Staff Alumni
#29
How did you feel when at work today SweetVitriol, did you have any sense of satisfaction as you went about your routine?
You say.......
I still feel so confused..As much as I love my job and my patients, I still feel so set on this course...
I'm glad you are still confused, somewhere deep within you there is still a tiny part of you that believes there is more than one way forward, don't try to block this thought, give it a chance. Think of the patients you have nursed, the ones you have resuscitated, those who are grateful that thanks to you and the rest of the team they are alive!
I have to hang on for a little while longer to achieve my goals
While you are hanging on, try to think of a way to makes things a little better, is there one small thing you could change for the better?
 

SweetVitriol

Antiquitie's Friend
#30
Hazel...Of course I take pride in my job..From the way you write,I assume you have been in the profession too..So you should know the satisfaction of a job well done and another life saved...But I am not that life...I do not ask to be saved..I do not ask to be resussed.

This is not my NHS anymore...No longer are patients treated as individuals and humans...They are statistics, beds blocked, money in the bank..The move towards an american health model has made the system into a mockery and I do not wish to be part of it...

Their first thoughts are cost, budgets and overheads...Mine are of privacy, dignity and respect..

My morals and ethics do not belong in this time Hazel and I am willing to conceed that..But one of the many lessons I learnt from nursing is that a persons body belongs to no one but that person..It is theirs to do with as they choose and this is the direction that I have chosen.
 

Daze&Confused

Antiquitie's Friend
#31
I never care if someone lives or dies, i'm not even sure why i come here.
Perhasp trying to help on here god will forgive me. I'm having trouble understanding why you would leave a life that touches so many. You obviously care deeply about your patients, and the fact that you were protesting (something i never do) at downing street means you care about the world you live in. We need more caring people in the world,not less.
I know i'm ready to go,i care for nothing and no one, my life and my death will go unnoticed. And that's as it should be, but dammit, you can make such a difference in this shit hole. The world is filled with spiteful,greedy people who would never throw their pointless selfiish lives away. You can't help change the world if you're dead.

Hope you feel better, and sorry if i offended you.
 

SweetVitriol

Antiquitie's Friend
#32
No offence taken..

I do not know where you live Daze..But around here you notice that the people who would make really great parents, usually do not have children..The majority of the "breeders" are the shallow, vacuous TV and celeb obscessed sheep who have no concept of the world they live in.. There are times where I feel persecuted for living a child free, alternative lifestyle but when I look at the society I am living in, I cannot help but shudder..

Life is cheap now.. Violence is glorified both in word and deed..Wars are waged for no more reason than economics. We sit in our little boxes, complying as they strip us of our rights and then we thank them..

I know that is a bit of a sweeping generalisation and there are others who feel this way, but I choose not to stay..I decide what I do to this body, in this life..My life...

No one can overide that..Not the Dr's, not the psychs nor the shrinks..

If this world will be a poorer place for my passing, I am sorry..But I look around me and see the future will be no better than my past. I see ignorance, intolerance and bigotry on the horizon not empathy, understanding and unity..And I have no desire to be part of that society

I do not mean to sound curt, I have no reason to offend..And if I did I apologise..But this is my confessional and I have sinned oh so many times..
 

Daze&Confused

Antiquitie's Friend
#33
They say no man, or women(gawd i hate political correctness) is an island,except for Hugh grant who's Ibiza. Be your own society, i live in london, and yes it is a cold unfeeling place in parts, but if everyone who hated the world for its apathy killed themselves, who would be left?
It's your life and your choice, i hope you stay and chat for awhile, the people here are far more adept at explaining things. Hope you find hope, if that's even english.

May the best of your past be the worst of your future.(I hate empty platitudes):tongue:
 

SweetVitriol

Antiquitie's Friend
#34
It was English Dazed..And I thank you..

I think H.G.Wells put it better than I ever could..


"This is but the beginning of a beginning,
And all that is, and all that has been
Is but the twilight of the dawn."
 

SweetVitriol

Antiquitie's Friend
#35
Another sleepless night depite the Temazepam..I feel as if my brain no longer requires sleep and I am destined to hear the dawn chorus on a daily basis.

The numbness has returned once more and the lack of emotions is beginning to wear thin now..It feels like someone has stolen my soul...
 

SweetVitriol

Antiquitie's Friend
#36
Choose


The single clenched fist, lifted and ready
Or the open asking hand, held out and waiting,
Choose:
For we meet by one or the other.

Carl Sandburg​
 

SweetVitriol

Antiquitie's Friend
#37
I have no idea why I am writing this, I guess I just need to vent a lot of emotions that have come up over the weekend I spent with my partner..So excuse the vitriol and tears if you will...

Things have got very strange in the past weeks snce I stopped taking all my meds..The swings have become rapid and the highs even higher...If I manage a couple of hours sleep it is a major achievement..Even the Temazepam doesn't touch me anymore which given it is our pre-med of choice at work, I find slightly worrying..The voices seem to have lulled since previous posts and they still waft to and fro, my personal running commentry of all the reasons I should not live & why I am so unworthy of my life.But I have to say, I do agree with most of what they say now..
Even my return to work (Which made me feel like I had regained a huge chunk of my identity) left me with so much paranoia.
It was the first time in four months I had been back(Barring my two abortive attempts which lasted a total of three hours) the first time I had been in a room full of people and the first time that my fear returned with vengence..I questioned my own abilities as a nurse..Every action I sat there and feared that I had made a mistake..Simple things like a bleeding post op patient became a minefield, by the end of the shift I was still recapping my actions and for hours afterwards I lay awake until I phoned in to set my mind at rest..Even then I could not sleep..
Let me try to put this into perspective.. Before, whatever you want to call my little "episode", I was one of the hotshots of my unit..If a sick or bleeding post op patient wheeled in from a major operation, I would virtually volunteer to take them..I took so much pride in my work, in the way my patient, even though they were at death's door looked immaculate and were always pain free..But now I spend so much time fretting that I have missed something or listening to the running commentry on how I should just quit and admit I am a f**king failure..Now I cannot bear to be in that recovery room..I just want to hide from all the bullshit in this world and admit that I cannot change it..That this is not my place nor my time..And that I have stomached as much as I can..

(Breathes deeply)​

Sorry...

So I ran away..To my partners.

Now even with a woman whom I love and adore, I can still pull on the masks and hide so much from her...And the reason I guess is that I honestly do not know what lies beneath anymore..They keep telling me what will happen if she ever saw the real me, if she ever saw how I lie paralysed by fear at what lies ahead or who bangs his head against walls just to feel something and to vent the fury that sometimes burns in my breast..She is so unique..When we met she wouldn't look me in the eye and now she is opening up like a flower..

For the first couple of days we didn't talk much..We just enjoyed being with each other and for the first time, we both managed to sleep..


On the Monday night, she put on a documentry by Stephen Fry, which documented his battle with bi-polar and interviewed others who suffered from the same disorder..I do not know when the tears started to flow but they wouldn't stop (I never did see the second part) ..She held me there for an hour until I could speak.
After a long time we finally discussed what is happening....She knew that I have had suicidal thoughts and intend to act on them but we just needed to clear the air and be more honest with each other..I told her what I wanted her to have once I left (She finally understood why I was pushing for her to keep hold of my art collection) and she told me that she had come to terms with my choice although she did not want me to leave..All she asked was that we have some time together..

I have never seen such strength in a human being than I saw that night..We sat and talked (When we could) about so much...Of what needed to be done & what I needed her to understand before I act..

Not once did she back down from supporting me, understanding my reasons.She does not support the fact that I have to do this, she only supports me...I find her understanding more humbling than my own scorn..And I fear for her when I go.

I am going to leave her my logon name and password so hopefully she will find the strength to read my posts and this thread ..I only want her to know what was going through my head...Of how I was feeling when I made the decision to go..I understand that some members may not agree to this so I am offering prior notice and if you do not wish to have your posts read, please delete them..I shall feel no ill will towards you..
I also realise that she will need the love and support that this forum offers so I ask you now, as a man in need...Please help her come to terms with what must be..Give her the strength to carry on and move forwards..I know this a lot to ask of you all but I have no one else I trust with this task..You are the only people I can turn to.
 

Daze&Confused

Antiquitie's Friend
#38
Good grief,i dont know if i want to hug you to make you feel better or beat you over the head to knock some sense into you. You have a women whom you love and i'm assuming loves you. A job that you use to love before all the self doubt. I know you said your mind could never be changed, that you hated the world the way it is, and didn't have the energy to change it. What's it gonna take to make you stay? If not for her, your patients, the world, and the people in it who need you.

Would you stay for a beer? :D
 
#40
I'm sorry to hear such pain in your posts - it is so sad that you feel you have gotten to the point where you can no longer bare to be in this world. It seems you have been worn down by society and caring so much that you have left little for yourself. Without sounding egotistical i am guilty of the same. Within my friends and family i seem to have the knack of hitting the nail on the head when i am offering advice and amazingly despite my apathy, at encouraging them to solve on problem or another. However some problems just cannot be fixed straight away, it takes time and ultimately the intentions of that person. But most of the time i forget this and i become absolutely exhausted trying to cope with all the emotions put upon me. Prehaps this is the same for you, prehaps you care so utterly that you are no longer feeling/seeing the little successes that you do accomplish.
I work for the NHS, and it deeply saddens me at the way things are too, it is largely about economics, true. But from what i have learnt society and medical knowledge is a lot different from when it was first established. In the past sometimes it was simply a case of 'wait and see' whereas now people have higher expectations, and yes this does have implications on economics as we now have MRI scans etc etc but it also mean more people live longer and better lives. Clinical governance and evidence based practice are to me brilliant new ideas but they have yet to be fully incorporated, so incident reports etc actually have no real impact and do seem like unnecessary paperwork. The reason for this?? I believe it is because the managers haven't been on the wards - they don't realise what is actually happening or the amount of stress staff are under. The new guy (forget his name) that was brought in to help solve the NHS problems wanted it to be run more like a business, being logically minded myself i think this is a brilliant idea, however it was impossible for him to it sort out because of the vast array of services and PCTs AND the variety of individuals working in the NHS etc etc. Its impossible to even give a template as every hospital has different needs etc. In my opinion there are less health professionals than managers nowadays. I can understand how disappointed you are with the system, today's world of work is high pressured - working for statistics and not necessarily the patient. I am glad my work allows me longer with patients as many are elderly and simply want to chat about the past which they no longer are able to with drs etc.
I do not work within the NHS in a critical ward like you do, i work in outpatients but many of my friends are nurses and they often complain of lack of appropriate staffing etc. Despite this i still have enormous faith in the NHS, and i am ready to fight for it. Is there anyway you can transfer to another ward, that although patients need care it is less critical care? An area where you get to spend time with the patients more?

I understand your feelings about society as a whole, i agree it is going downhill in many ways but i would like to say - don't let one perspective tarnish your view of the rest of england. Personally being from up north i couldn't live in london - prehaps you need a relocation? People do care, i know i will sometimes say i feel they don't, but every so often i do get a real glimpes of good faith. I know in london you don't say hello or goodbye or thankyou to shopkeepers or bus drivers (stereotypically) but even these simple things i hear daily where i live. In the news you rarely see the good things, it is all war and terroism and it can be frigtening but i feel no more that it was in the cold war or during the vietnam war etc - the media is just better at reporting it all now due to technology etc. What we need is more education in my opinion. It is our choice whether to implement development as positive or negative, and sometimes it is overwhelming but i believe every tiny thing counts.
There are days when a complete stranger has smiled at me, or we have jokenly exchanged a few words and this has kept my faith alive. Your friend is one example of the good people there are in the world - because it is there, you just have to look for it. Sometimes when i get really depressed, and look down from my window at the meaningless people running to and from meaningless tasks (which is what i think when i'm down), i have to get back to nature. Sounds stupid doesn't it, but a walk down the river (not the Thames! lol) or a trip to the beach away from everything really shows me the beauty in the world that i had forgotten.
Sorry, i've written too much, i don't mean to be sickly nieve about life but there is hope. I will pray that you find it.
All my love - SS
 
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