I have no idea why I am writing this, I guess I just need to vent a lot of emotions that have come up over the weekend I spent with my partner..So excuse the vitriol and tears if you will...
Things have got very strange in the past weeks snce I stopped taking all my meds..The swings have become rapid and the highs even higher...If I manage a couple of hours sleep it is a major achievement..Even the Temazepam doesn't touch me anymore which given it is our pre-med of choice at work, I find slightly worrying..The voices seem to have lulled since previous posts and they still waft to and fro, my personal running commentry of all the reasons I should not live & why I am so unworthy of my life.But I have to say, I do agree with most of what they say now..
Even my return to work (Which made me feel like I had regained a huge chunk of my identity) left me with so much paranoia.
It was the first time in four months I had been back(Barring my two abortive attempts which lasted a total of three hours) the first time I had been in a room full of people and the first time that my fear returned with vengence..I questioned my own abilities as a nurse..Every action I sat there and feared that I had made a mistake..Simple things like a bleeding post op patient became a minefield, by the end of the shift I was still recapping my actions and for hours afterwards I lay awake until I phoned in to set my mind at rest..Even then I could not sleep..
Let me try to put this into perspective.. Before, whatever you want to call my little "episode", I was one of the hotshots of my unit..If a sick or bleeding post op patient wheeled in from a major operation, I would virtually volunteer to take them..I took so much pride in my work, in the way my patient, even though they were at death's door looked immaculate and were always pain free..But now I spend so much time fretting that I have missed something or listening to the running commentry on how I should just quit and admit I am a f**king failure..Now I cannot bear to be in that recovery room..I just want to hide from all the bullshit in this world and admit that I cannot change it..That this is not my place nor my time..And that I have stomached as much as I can..
(Breathes deeply)
Sorry...
So I ran away..To my partners.
Now even with a woman whom I love and adore, I can still pull on the masks and hide so much from her...And the reason I guess is that I honestly do not know what lies beneath anymore..They keep telling me what will happen if she ever saw the real me, if she ever saw how I lie paralysed by fear at what lies ahead or who bangs his head against walls just to feel something and to vent the fury that sometimes burns in my breast..She is so unique..When we met she wouldn't look me in the eye and now she is opening up like a flower..
For the first couple of days we didn't talk much..We just enjoyed being with each other and for the first time, we both managed to sleep..
On the Monday night, she put on a documentry by Stephen Fry, which documented his battle with bi-polar and interviewed others who suffered from the same disorder..I do not know when the tears started to flow but they wouldn't stop (I never did see the second part) ..She held me there for an hour until I could speak.
After a long time we finally discussed what is happening....She knew that I have had suicidal thoughts and intend to act on them but we just needed to clear the air and be more honest with each other..I told her what I wanted her to have once I left (She finally understood why I was pushing for her to keep hold of my art collection) and she told me that she had come to terms with my choice although she did not want me to leave..All she asked was that we have some time together..
I have never seen such strength in a human being than I saw that night..We sat and talked (When we could) about so much...Of what needed to be done & what I needed her to understand before I act..
Not once did she back down from supporting me, understanding my reasons.She does not support the fact that I have to do this, she only supports me...I find her understanding more humbling than my own scorn..And I fear for her when I go.
I am going to leave her my logon name and password so hopefully she will find the strength to read my posts and this thread ..I only want her to know what was going through my head...Of how I was feeling when I made the decision to go..I understand that some members may not agree to this so I am offering prior notice and if you do not wish to have your posts read, please delete them..I shall feel no ill will towards you..
I also realise that she will need the love and support that this forum offers so I ask you now, as a man in need...Please help her come to terms with what must be..Give her the strength to carry on and move forwards..I know this a lot to ask of you all but I have no one else I trust with this task..You are the only people I can turn to.