my dad and i

[AnxiousBoy]

Ok, here's the situation.
It was a weekend. festival in my town, all people, including me, drunk. Later I met a girl that took me to the party. Dancing, and screwing around.
blah blah blah. the scene came down on me and couple of people in my apartment on 5 pills of xanax mixed with alcohol. I got pissed off on music so i shut down my computer and than the bad scene started. All people got mad at me and ran away. I felt so alone and hated in the moment.I started crying. I wanted to talk to them so I went to that bar where they all gone to speek with them. They were all like at me.
When I came back home my father was there, and noticed i used his pills for fun. He strated throwing my cellphone and things round the house. I got really mad.
Damn I beat my dad up in that moment... damn he is in mid 50s.
Than I went to sleep, I woke up and remembered wtf I did, so I ran away, drove a bike to the river, lay on the grass to relax. but nothing works fine now.
Im home now and can't sleep. I don't know who to talk to cause actually I have no real friend to share my feelings.I can't even say nothing to my dad. I'm so empty with no emotions. I can't cry, can't smile, can't talk. All day I am thinking about suicide.
I know the main problem is in alcohol and drugs, and that I should talk to my dad, but i have no courage. I really don't need any help. maybe all I need is a few consolation words.

Thats the scene from the weekend. But its not the first time I feel depressed. Its basically all the time. Dad and mom arguing most of the time about some "stupid things", and all I do is not saying anything. I just go out and get drunk, like that is the solution. I now its not.
Outside home, I have no friends, I can't talk to people, I'm scared and paranoid.
EDIT: I can talk to people but its all just rubbish like: "how was your day/school", "whats up", stupid jokes....

All I need is a person that can listen to my problems and say something to me, hug me, comfort me.
Now I'm watching Alice in Chains and Radiohead videos on youtube and despair. :sad:
Just wanted to share this with someone, although I don't even know you guys.

Peace.

 

[AnxiousBoy]

well, maybe this isn't the right place for the thread. sorry.... i'm new here.

 

[pinkpetals33]

I don't understand,,,,,,,,


You were upset at the people at the party for being out of control and you also used your father's pills?

How old are you?

 

[AnxiousBoy]

i am 24. I'm finishing college in this time, but i feel like I'm much younger and not ready to cope with the world.
i wasn't upset until they all got mad at me and left me alone in that state. i made a big scene. i have alcohol and drug problems. i admit it. been drinking every weekend since I was 16. amphetamines come in from time to time.

about my dad... he's really depressed. we don't have regular father/son relationship. regular? whats regular in this world. anyway he never talks, he's always into his business , mom had cancer few years ago, and her nerves are tiny.

 

[pinkpetals33]

i am 24. I'm finishing college in this time, but i feel like I'm much younger and not ready to cope with the world.
i wasn't upset until they all got mad at me and left me alone in that state. i made a big scene. i have alcohol and drug problems. i admit it. been drinking every weekend since I was 16. amphetamines come in from time to time.

about my dad... he's really depressed. we don't have regular father/son relationship. regular? whats regular in this world. anyway he never talks, he's always into his business , mom had cancer few years ago, and her nerves are tiny.

what are you studying?

what do you mean by "cope" with the "world?" what are you afraid of?

why did they all get mad at you?

Did father become depressed since mother's cancer?

how are you dealing with it?

that's really hard when alcohol and drugs alter you and then you wake up the next morning wondering why that all happened?

 

[gentlelady]

You are fine with your thread. Sometimes it takes a little time for people to answer. Please be patient with us. I am sorry to hear about the problems you had last night. I do think you need to speak with your dad. If you need help with your issues with drugs and alcohol, now would be a good time to seek it. Maybe you could also look into some help for your depression. Life doesn't have to be this way. I hope we are able to give you the support you need. Please take care and stay safe. :hug:

 

[AnxiousBoy]

i'm studying electrical engineering, computers and telecommunications!
cope with the world: socialize, meeting new people, finding a girlfriend (not just for sex), i'm afraid of living the rest of my life alone.
there was one girl that god mad at me cause i turned of the music, and they all went out... that doesn't really matter....
father started to use anti depressives few years ago. mothers cancer, both of his parents died in the war, years without a job.... many things got him f**** up.

i am not dealing with it. when theres argue in the house i run outside to drink some beer. sometimes im trying to calm things down, but that isn't helping so im back on the drinkin stage.

main thing is i beat up my father and now i feel like shit. but i got so angry cause he broke my gramophone and a cellphone.

 

[middleofnowhere]

Depression is bad whatever your age. I'm your father's age, and have been depressed for at least 7 years. I know it has affected my son and daughter, your age. My daughter is depressed some of the time, not connected that I know of with my depression. We are both seeing the same counselor and I've been meeting weekly with a psychotherapist weekly for two years and monthly with a psychiatrist to stay on top of my meds.

I don't know what resources are available to you, but you might be able to find someone who could get together with you and your father and help you share what your problems are. That could be a start.

You would find some relief by apologizing to your father and by forgiving yourself for the things that are hurting you. You just can't keep going with all of the stuff that are eating you up inside. You can find help for your drinking problem and for your drug use.

Is it an option to move out of your parents' home?

I hope you can find solutions to your numerous problems.

Jim

 

[AnxiousBoy]

option to move out? i can't imagine living alone. im thinkin of creating my own personal commune with the family. sort things out. you think its a smart decision?
but i think that wouldn't last long.

thanks everyone for the kind words.

 

[Stranger1]

My brother decided one day he was going to beat my father up. He had a handle to something in his hand. My dad told him hang on a minute and he went in the house, and came back out with his billyclub. He then proceeding to whooping my brothers ass. My dad was a retired MP.

 

[pinkpetals33]

option to move out? i can't imagine living alone. im thinkin of creating my own personal commune with the family. sort things out. you think its a smart decision?
but i think that wouldn't last long.

thanks everyone for the kind words.

I noticed that you are from Croatia. Is their cultural expectations to stay with the family?

So you said you started drinking on the weekened since 16......what triggers your drinking?

Why could you not imagine living alone? Imagine having your own space to roam around free.......play music......act goofy and decorate that reflects your own style and personality. I mean, have you ever wondered what it would be like?

 

[Forget It]

My brother decided one day he was going to beat my father up. He had a handle to something in his hand. My dad told him hang on a minute and he went in the house, and came back out with his billyclub. He then proceeding to whooping my brothers ass. My dad was a retired MP.

I guess you're brother should have waited until he was asleep.

 

[AnxiousBoy]

i just talked to my father. we made peace. i made a decision to move to my grandmothers home and study to finish this college. My dad is relieved and i think he feels so much better. I am too.

@pinkpetals33:
No its not expectation to stay in family at my age. Lots of my colleges already have families on their own, but also lots of them are like me finishing college.
I just started drinking for fun... i guess i met bad company.

i guess i'm not feeling suicidal any more

 

[pinkpetals33]

i just talked to my father. we made peace. i made a decision to move to my grandmothers home and study to finish this college. My dad is relieved and i think he feels so much better. I am too.

@pinkpetals33:
No its not expectation to stay in family at my age. Lots of my colleges already have families on their own, but also lots of them are like me finishing college.
I just started drinking for fun... i guess i met bad company.

i guess i'm not feeling suicidal any more

Do you and grandmother get along?

that is nice that you will get to start a new beginning.

You say that you are not feeling suicidal....does that mean you will start taking control of your drinking and pill habits? Curious....

 

[AnxiousBoy]

yes, me and my grandmother get along. i lived there for 5 years when i attended college. i have 5 exams till the end, and i moved back to my parents home.
im gonna try to finish the school, and try to get rid of those nasty habits yes.

talking to my dad really helped both of us. we cried out a river, i just hope smiling will come soon.