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MY dad comes back

Discussion in 'Domestic Abuse' started by A Box of Chocolates, May 10, 2008.

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  1. A Box of Chocolates

    A Box of Chocolates Active Member

    I am 15 and haven't talked to my dad since I was 11. He was on meth and was very abusive in every way. I use to spend weekends with him and would get abused psychically and mentally constantly. His words are what drove my confidence and self esteem to the low level it is at. This year my mom has lost income and is struggling for a way to make money. My dad about a year ago told us he was getting better. So far I haven't seen him since he was on meth. He admits he uses cannabis regurally and grows it. This doesn't bother me because I too use it. I somehow can't accept him back into my life without being scared or feeling awkward around him even when hes on the phone. I feel like I'm holding my mom back from financial security by saying I would rather her not move us near him. I don't know what I should do? Shut up and live 3 more years around him (he is possibly better with drug use and mental health) or avoid him?

    I told my mom that she would probably be happier without having her ex husband supporting her and having another one of your ex's have control over us again (note: us means mom, 12 year old sister, and me) but then again we could be kicked out of our house soon.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 10, 2008
  2. thedeafmusician

    thedeafmusician Staff Alumni

    I'm sorry to hear that this is your current situation... I would be VERY wary. It's entirely justified for you to feel scared and awkward around him. I wouldn't trust him too much... but it may be worth a try. But if he messes it up, I wouldn't bother trying again.

    Just my two cents.

  3. A Box of Chocolates

    A Box of Chocolates Active Member

    That is the problem. I have trouble giving him a chance. Ever since I was young I was forgiving him for things he's done. Now after 4 years I feel like it was too much harm.
  4. That sounds like a terrible catch-22. I wish I could recommend other ways for your mom and you all to cope financially (would be worth checking into I think), other than being "beholden" to someone who's been so abusive in the past! Which is what it boils down to - whether he's "better" or not. And you're absolutely right to be wary considering what you've already gone through - it's not only logical, but instinctual. That much evidence is hard to ignore - and actually shouldn't be ignored at all!

    Not that one is worse than the other when it comes to abuse, but physical abusers do not change easily if at all - even if it seems they have for a time. And being put in the position of having to be "grateful" for his financial help, also inevitably leaves one feeling emotionally and psychologically vulnerable - with the very real potential of having to put up with horrible crap again. It's a terrible position to be in. It doesn't seem to me that there are any "lesser of evils"...

    I really hope that you can find another way, other than letting him back into your lives! :sad:
  5. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    It is really a shame how much meth use there is around here in Redding. My own mother and many of her past "friends" have used it, but in the last 5 years or so she has cleaned up from everything but cigarettes/drinking.

    I won't say that your father deserves a chance (YOU deserved to have a father that was there for you, the blame is definitely on him), but perhaps he can honestly change?

    I can't say though if his abusiveness was due to the methamphetamine use or not..
  6. A Box of Chocolates

    A Box of Chocolates Active Member

    His abuse never was because of meth it's just who he "was". He did drink a lot when I was younger but started meth when I was 10. I feel like even if I did forgive and forget that he would be more like a older friend then a dad. He is considerably younger then my mom (he's 34 she's in her 50's) and never really treated me as a kid. When I was younger he would always tell me to call him by his first name instead of dad and he was almost never around even when I lived with him. At this point I just feel like giving up and going with my mom's choices. After all she probably wouldn't listen anyways.
  7. bb564

    bb564 Guest

    I think it's perfectly understandable that you don't want him to move in near you. I think you need to see him at weekends(with your mother present), for at least a year before you can really trust him again. But he kicked a meth habit, which shows great dedication.

    BTW, you seem like a very thoughtful and decent bloke despite your situation, and it's unfair all this should happen to you.
  8. LSD

    LSD Well-Known Member

    i know..forgiving its not easy
    we are not saying.. go and forgive him
    but yeah Remedy idea isnt' that bad-
    just-- let see what happens
    if he DARRESSS to hurt you.. even once-- even one hair of yours
    just once chance..to see what happens
    proly he has really changed.. and want to do it
    proly woudn't a bad idea if you try it
    now you are bigger
    i'm sure you cna protect yourself more now that you are 15-than when you were 11
    try not to be afraid..
    go step by step-
    "sometimes" people deserve a second chance
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