My dad committed suicide

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by ashla86, Apr 1, 2007.

  1. ashla86

    ashla86 Active Member

    My dad committed suicide when I was six years old. Of course I didn't know at time that he had committed suicide. I didn't find out until I was twelve years old how he had died. I knew where he had died though. We had a garage in our back yard with an attic in it. He hung himself up there. I was told that he had been up in the attic and since the floors had been weak he had fallen through them and had died.
    I remember the night perfectly. I was watching TV on the floor with my sister who was a year older it was probably about 7 at night, December 3rd 1992. My dads best friend ran into the living room yelling about something, we couldn't really understand him. So my mom tried to calm him down to see what the problem was. It sort of goes blank there but all I remember is a lot of people were at my house all of a sudden crying. My grandparents took my sister and aside and told us that my dad died. The kitchen window faced the backyard where the garage was so we could see flashlights and hear voices of people back there looking for him. My mom kept looking out the window and muttering "Oh god I don't want to look back there, but I can't help it."

    I went through a violent stage after that. I was so angry that my dad died. I had to go into therapy. When I was twelve and found out how he had actually died I was angry again.

    I can't help but still be angry at him even though I have had thoughts. Every time I think about it and what my mom went through I get angry and then I use that thought whenever I think that I want to commit suicide. Sometimes I wonder if it's because he did it that I have the thoughts. I want to forgive him for it too because now I am going through the same thing but my anger at him gets in the way of forgiveness. I know I need to let go of the anger and forgive but I can't. I don't know why though, it should be easy when I have had the thoughts.
  2. MrDepressed

    MrDepressed Guest

    I am sorry to hear that you went through this... I dont think you need to let go of the anger, you have a right to feel it, just a matter of how you focus it... I hope that you continue to post with us here and be part of our community over a long term.. best of hopes to you.