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My dad grabbing me by the throat.. Vent.

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by feathers, Feb 7, 2012.

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  1. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Worst day of the year so far yesterday... My dad occasionally likes to just lose it and scream at me for various reasons...

    Yesterday he came in and screamed that I had the fire on full blast (it's minus degrees c outside and the house was fucking freezing, can you really blame me for wanting to stay warm?) then he went into the kitchen, the door between the living room and kitchen is broken so you have to wedge it shut, I had done so with my trainers, so then he comes back in and yells no wonder it's cold in here if you just leave this door wide open, you have to wedge it shut with some shoes or something and stop the heat escaping (it had been wedged shut with my shoes until he opened it) then he yelled at me for my shoes lying around, when he'd just told me to use shoes to wedge the door shut.

    Oh and he screamed at me for mine and my BFs coats being on the armchair, saying "they've been there for days" when in actual fact we'd just come in a few hours ago, put them there, and were intending to put them on again to go out to my psych appointment in about half an hour.

    THEN he yelled at us for there being a plate being on the footrest, going THAT'S BEEN THERE SINCE LAST NIGHT HASN'T IT, when my boyfriend had just had his dinner off it like half an hour ago, and we were watching a film so hadn't put it away yet...

    So he told us to tidy up, I put my shoes on the shoe rack downstairs, tidied up and we went upstairs... Then I hear him throwing some of my stuff up the stairs, including my shoes, which I had just put ON THE SHOE RACK, so pretty pissed off by now I go downstairs and start shouting back, what is the problem with my shoes being on the shoe rack?! He screamed at me some more, can't remember what about, and I just got so pissed off and threw my shoes back down onto the shoe rack. He picked them up, still yelling, and went to the front door, opened it, and threw my shoes out into the garden, one into the neighbours garden (pathetic I know).

    So I went to the door straight away, and shoved him out of the way in order to try to get outside to get my shoes back, and he just grabbed me around the throat and forced me back halfway into the living room by my throat, screaming at me to never dare lay my hands on him again. By this point I was hysterical at the fact he'd just grabbed me by the throat and told him to never dare fucking do that again... Honestly I am so tired of his shit... I mean he might be angry that the place is messy (and it wasn't that bad) but firstly he's barely over, he hadn't been over the house for 4 days by this point (lives with his girlfriend) and claims to magically know how long certain things had been in certain places. Also the house being messy doesn't justify violence...

    Usually when he loses it and screams at me I just stand there and completely ignore him because if I even try to explain myself or to reasonably argue back he completely ignores everything I say. But to be honest I am tired of this shit. I am tired of him screaming at me and I am fed up of just standing and taking it because I'm 20 years old and I don't need this. Especially not with my little alters who are so easily freaked out. I mean, I have decided to stay off university this morning because I felt someone inside feeling completely freaked out... Probably his fault... He doesn't seem to understand that grabbing his daughter by the throat is domestic abuse... He also doesn't seem to realise how much damage he can cause... I went upstairs crying hysterical and my boyfriend had to calm me down, which took ages... I was still on the verge of tears when I had to leave for my psych appointment...

    Then my day got even worse because I went to my psych appointment, that I had made because my meds dose is starting to wear off and I was starting to see depressive symptoms again... she refused to put my meds up because she doesn't seem to believe that it is possible for a dose to wear off and seems to think that 450mg should magically work forever.... She also doesn't seem to think that depression can be seperate from DID so she thinks the fact I suffer from severe depression is due to my DID and increasing meds won't help, even though I have shown in the past that meds DO help, that's why I'm on them...

    I have very severe symptoms of bipolar disorder (4 month long severe suicidal depressions, and 3 month long periods of elated moods, grandiosity, no regard for my health - I ended up getting hospitalised with need for a blood transfusion, and even when I had bled a hell of a lot I wouldn't let the guy I was with call an ambulance because I was pretty sure I would be fine - it took me until I had collapsed from blood loss before I'd let him call an ambulance). Stupid thing is I actually told her last time I saw her that I'd had a blood transfusion and how it had resulted from my carelessness during an elated period and yesterday she turns around and says she got in touch with my GP and there had been no record of it whatsoever!! Funny that, apparently I've never had a blood transfusion, wonder what happened that time I woke up in hospital with blood pumping into my hand!!

    So basically when she told me she couldn't put my meds up I got extremely distressed and started crying again, because my depressions are so severe, they get increasing with strength every time I cycle into one, and I barely survived the last one... She says she can't put it up because there's no clinical reason to do so, that I am definitely not bipolar (despite cycling through suicidal depression and ridiculous elation periods). She seems to think you can only have one thing wrong with you and say bipolar has nothing to do with my alters so that must mean I can't have it... So she won't put my meds up because you need a clinical reason to do so... So she refused to put them up and now I'm stuck on an ineffective dose....

    This was a really long rant and I'm sorry it was so wrong I just needed to vent because yesterday was just so stressful... I should be headed to uni right now but I just really don't feel up to it.

    Kaz x
  2. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Feathers -

    I'm so sorry it was such a tough day. And of course, your father doing that would upset you and your alters. Actually, if anyone did that to me I would freak out. I'm not sure what the best thing for you to do is. But maybe on a day when he is in good form talk to him and tell him you don't want him acting like that anymore and not to touch you as you'll call the police.

    Please take care, many hugs. :console:
  3. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords Eρεβος/Νύξ

    Doctors are just plain fucking stupid. If you think you have bipolar, then you should do your best to explain to her specific reasons why you think you have it. If she still won't listen to you, just ignore the bitch. You know what goes on when you leave that office, you know your symptoms...so regardless of what she labels you as, stick to your guns of you're 100% certain about it. My doctor diagnosed me with mixed personality disorder (Borderline - Avoidant), then a month later he changed it to mood disorder NOS, then to dysthymia, then another month later again to mood disorder NOS. Its completely fucking ridiculous, like he thinks a personality disorder can just go away or something? Anyway, I know I have borderline PD despite what he says because I know what goes on with me when I'm at home. He doesn't. Also theres something about women psychiatrists. Every single one I've had I've fucking hated; it's like they think their position of "power" gives them the right to do w/e the fuck they want and treat people like idiots. I've had 5 different psychiatrists and they were all women except one and he's the only nice one that I actually decided to stick with.

    As for your father, if he abuses you again, you really should call the cops. That's totally uncalled for.
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