I am not quite sure how should I feel toward my dad. I mean it's complicated because I am between my feelings and my thoughts. At this point I am pretty sure my dad is sick. He locks himself in his room everyday to cry and I can't help to hate him for it, to be like "Hey, you're way too old to victimize yourself to get other's attention". He literally really needs his parents attention and my attention and my mom's. I get that he's sick and sad and that he feels like a complete failure. I get that he's disappointed and stuff but he had so much time to fix those things. He had time and opportunities to help himself and he spent his whole life complaining about how much of a failure he is instead of actually doing something to change that. And now that the things he believed were rewards for his lack of effort (his job, his marriage, me) are wrecked he doesn't know what to do with himself because losing these things showed him once again that he did nothing in almost sixty years. I am glad though that now that I have failed doing what he wanted me to do he doesn't exactly care about me too much, not really. He had a daughter and he thought all his problems were going to be solved by this little child who was so happy and loved him so much and all that shit, and now that I was not what he wanted he's mad because I was the last thing he hoped he could keep. But now I am just another daily reminder that he is a failure and that his whole life was a waste of time. I just don't think it's fair that he's mad at me for not magically solving all his problems. What the fuck was he expecting anyway? Didn't he think about me growing up and becoming the "I hate my parents" teen cliche? Didn't he think that maybe drinking away his misery when things seemed to stop working (when I stopped being a kid) would only make every single thing around him even worse? He acts like a kid all the time, he goes from being a toddler to a 16 year old. If he died right now I would just like ignore he ever existed and pretend that when I was born my dad left my mom. It's complicated to want him to die so bad but then understand that he's got the same problems that I do and that he's sick. But then I think that many other people have these problems and they don't freak out like he does, they keep going and work harder for the people they love and for themselves even when they feel weak. My mom keeps saying "despite of everything he's still your dad". But, well, that doesn't make any difference. Most of the things he's done for me were things he did expecting me to love him more and make him feel less alone and not such a failure anyway. I don't care a lot about if he was nice to me when I was 6 years old because back then I was a kid who didn't do anything at all, and now that the shit got real and he has to deal with problems around him he just starts to cry and drink. What he did then isn't what he's doing now so I don't really think about stop having hateful feelings toward him. Maybe after he dies, just because I'd be grateful he's no longer alive.