My dad (I talk about this way too much, it became boring)

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by StillYoung, Aug 11, 2013.

  1. StillYoung

    StillYoung Member

    I am not quite sure how should I feel toward my dad. I mean it's complicated because I am between my feelings and my thoughts. At this point I am pretty sure my dad is sick. He locks himself in his room everyday to cry and I can't help to hate him for it, to be like "Hey, you're way too old to victimize yourself to get other's attention". He literally really needs his parents attention and my attention and my mom's. I get that he's sick and sad and that he feels like a complete failure. I get that he's disappointed and stuff but he had so much time to fix those things. He had time and opportunities to help himself and he spent his whole life complaining about how much of a failure he is instead of actually doing something to change that. And now that the things he believed were rewards for his lack of effort (his job, his marriage, me) are wrecked he doesn't know what to do with himself because losing these things showed him once again that he did nothing in almost sixty years. I am glad though that now that I have failed doing what he wanted me to do he doesn't exactly care about me too much, not really. He had a daughter and he thought all his problems were going to be solved by this little child who was so happy and loved him so much and all that shit, and now that I was not what he wanted he's mad because I was the last thing he hoped he could keep. But now I am just another daily reminder that he is a failure and that his whole life was a waste of time. I just don't think it's fair that he's mad at me for not magically solving all his problems. What the fuck was he expecting anyway? Didn't he think about me growing up and becoming the "I hate my parents" teen cliche? Didn't he think that maybe drinking away his misery when things seemed to stop working (when I stopped being a kid) would only make every single thing around him even worse? He acts like a kid all the time, he goes from being a toddler to a 16 year old. If he died right now I would just like ignore he ever existed and pretend that when I was born my dad left my mom. It's complicated to want him to die so bad but then understand that he's got the same problems that I do and that he's sick. But then I think that many other people have these problems and they don't freak out like he does, they keep going and work harder for the people they love and for themselves even when they feel weak. My mom keeps saying "despite of everything he's still your dad". But, well, that doesn't make any difference. Most of the things he's done for me were things he did expecting me to love him more and make him feel less alone and not such a failure anyway. I don't care a lot about if he was nice to me when I was 6 years old because back then I was a kid who didn't do anything at all, and now that the shit got real and he has to deal with problems around him he just starts to cry and drink. What he did then isn't what he's doing now so I don't really think about stop having hateful feelings toward him. Maybe after he dies, just because I'd be grateful he's no longer alive.
  2. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure I can be overly nice in reply.

    You only get one mother and father... If he's depressed too, why not encourage him to talk like you would with others on this site? Rather than being the rebellious teen - be the supportive teen. Hating your dad will only add to his feelings of failure - and make him even worse on top of that.

    So he drinks - does he drink heavily? Alcoholics Anonymous may be a part of what he needs to seek out. And he isolates himself - could you not try breaking down that barrier and being there for him?

    Rant about his behaviours all you like - you came to this site for support for yourself, and yet it seems like your dad needs some too. He is a person. So he's had time to try to get through the rough spells, it doesn't mean he can "snap out of it" or stop "feeling like a failure". It doesn't even mean that he hasn't tried.

    I ask you this - if you had someone say to you what you think of your dad "Hey, you're way too old to victimize yourself to get other's attention" - how would that make you feel? I'm not sure you'd like to be told you're an attention seeker.....
  3. StillYoung

    StillYoung Member

    We tried to help him, many times but you rejected out help every time. I wouldn't like to be told that but I can't think of anything else when I see him, because he won't even keep this kind of stuff for himself, he throws stuff to get out attention and screams and then gets mad when my mom tells him she's over with worrying about if he drinks or not. I was supportive too and it worked for like a week but then he didn't care. So now I just ignore him because he's acting like a jerk all the time, even with me and that's not fair because I never did anything bad to him, neither did my mom or my grandparents but he needs someone to blame.
    It's not like I just hate him out of nowhere and like nobody's there to help him but himself, he's got plenty of people who want to help him but he decides not to let them help. I don't know why, he just totally ignores everyone's help for so long that nobody cares now (I'm not saying that now he is asking for help, he's just angry because now whenever he does something his parents and my and my mom are like "it's your problem" instead of giving him the attention he had before).
    He went to AA once but he decided not to go again. I don't even know how much does he drink because sometimes he drinks inside his room and I don't even know where did he get the alcohol.
  4. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    It can be frustrating. Very much so. Because the only person that can help him, is himself wanting to change. Being the way he is, is affecting everyone around him (and this needs to be calmly pointed out to him) - if he reacts badly - look at maybe finding a way you and your mum can move out - for your sake.