my dad refuses to tell me if has cancer.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Monoka, May 4, 2011.

  1. Monoka

    Monoka Well-Known Member

    My dad possibly has cancer-i dont know. i found some appointment letters around his house so not hidden buy when i tried to ask him about it he just blanked me. they were from GP's and cancer units in local hospitals.

    he has had crap health all my life and never wants to admit how bad it is sometimes, any ideas how i can start a conversation without him just putting up the steel fence? :(
    Last edited by a moderator: May 4, 2011
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Been here, worn the t-shirt!
    unhappily, dad finally admitted cancer and that he had months to live :sad:
    Get him talking!
    you need to know if only to make the most of the time he has left.
    Maybe his cancer is treatable, much of it is.
    But he will need support because the treatments are pretty horrendous.

    And :hug: for you, cos its never easy when its cancer.

    ps: if you need to talk drop me a pm
  3. black_rose_99

    black_rose_99 Well-Known Member

    Do you need to know? Couldn't you just make the most of the time he has left anyway, live each day to the fullest etc?

    I'm really sorry for what you're going through Monoka. I imagine he's probably doing the dad thing and just trying not to worry you. Perhaps let him know that you can handle the information whichever way it falls - maybe he feels like he's burdening you by telling you? Of course I'm only assuming. He might also be scared and that could be stopping him from talking about. Let him know you're there for him, and that you'd like to talk to him about the appointment letters you've seen if and when he is ready, and then let him come to you when he's ready to talk. Try not to be angry and confrontational.

    Good luck and loads of hugs!
  4. Butterfly

    Butterfly Resident SF Sims Enthusiast Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I am so sorry to hear this hun. It is a very tricky situation. Just let him know that you are always there to support him. Perhaps if you explained that you had found the letters and say that you would accompany him so he doesn't have to go through this alone might get him to open up slightly. He is probably very, very scared at the minute and doesn't know who to turn to and probably doesn't want to hurt anyone. People going through this tend to be in denial of their illness. Just let him know you will always be there for him and remind him that he doesn't have to go through this alone.

    Big hugs :hug: and if you need someone to talk to you can PM me if you would like.

    All the best xxxx
  5. Monoka

    Monoka Well-Known Member

    Thanks for listening.

    Thing is i dont know if he has or not or even weather the letters are old ones. i guess im just scared it might be current- i just dont know. as i said he had had crap health ie, broken back, knee replacement, depression and constant pain relief making him high. and over the past few years has been bounced between GPs and hospitals due to memory issues and confussion, we were finally told it was altzheimers... then later that it wasnt. my biggest fear is that the day may come when he asks who i am :'-(

    I may just be being paranoid and making a mountain out of a mole hill, i dont know :-(
  6. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    finding letters from cancer docs is not making mountain out of molehill! how old were the letters, that should give you some idea of how recent.

    my dad had cancer, and we had the reverse..we specifically asked the docs if it was cancer and they said no. when he got discharged i went to collect him with my bro and nurse gave me "antibiotics and to make sure he took them" i opened his discharge letters and there it was in black and white..cancer...the "antibiotics" were chemo drugs. i had to tell my mum. my dad didnt know. i went back to hospital and created merry hell.

    to know or not to know, that is the question. maybe he is trying to protect you, maybe he is trying to come to terms with it before he can admit it to you, just the word cancer (however curable) invokes strong emotions and fear. check the date on letters and then speak with your dad, and tell him you found the letters and IF it is cancer you dont want him to go through treatment alone. a lot of cancers are treatable so its not necessarily last rites time, but cancer is a scary word and all reason can go out the window for a while. i wish you well...but whatever you decide to do, make the most of what time you think you may have. :hug: